Confusion.

I wish I had the answers to all of my questions.  Why do I feel amazing and in love one day; feel like everything will be okay and am overly happy but than five minutes later, I don’t?  I do love him and a huge chunk of my heart feels like we are supposed to be together.  But at night, when I’m at my parents house alone, I think about the ‘what ifs.’  What if being apart is right?  What if being hurt and depressed is right?  What if we are supposed to be with other people?  I have admitted to myself and him that I do need to grow as an individual, over the years I’ve honestly lost who I am.  I don’t do the things I want; I’ve lost touch with my hobbies and interests.  Part of me wants to be alone and find myself but than part of me wants to be and grow with him.  But which part is my destiny?  I’m tired of going in circles and being confused.  I’m tired of seeing his heart break when I look into his eyes.  I just wish that life were a tish bit easier.  I know that I’ve had a better life and better times than some people but what makes my battered heart any different than yours?  I’m hurt, lost, confused, and upset too.  He’s been doing absolutely amazing lately and been there for me.  He’s my rock and he pushes me to do the things I need and want to do.  So why am I afraid of moving forward with him?  Maybe because history repeats itself; it’s in our blood.  Do you think that sometimes people learn from our history and vow to never let it happen again?  That is the question that I need answered; that is the only thing that is holding me back.  I feel like I’ve jumped so many times, but why can’t I jump now?

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