Part of me wants to forgive and forget what’s happened over the last couple months, especially the most frequent events. Actually, most of me wants to. I’m trying to be mad, angry, upset at him and I am but it’s not at the top of my “Irritated At Life” list. Granted every day is different and even every hour my mood changes but I don’t like to be angry at people, it’s not my nature to hold grudges even if at times when I wish I could. Although I don’t comprehend on the reasoning of certain events; I don’t want to let it haunt my soul. I just want to accept what happened and get on with my life. Obviously, I’m still in love with him and from what I’m understanding, he is too but that’s the hard part. Yes, I think I’m on the path of forgiveness but than what? There is more than one good reason why we shouldn’t be together but there are also good reasons why we should. Which is the latter? It’s hard to ask for opinions because everyone is biased. I’m just as guilty as the next person; we as a human race tend to complain more than we praise. More so than not ‘many’ times most people know more bad about a person than good due to the lack of human compassion. Unfortunate? Yes. Reality? Yes. A factor in life’s largest decisions? Hard to say.
I look back at my previous posts as a recollection of my past, trying to put myself back in those moments. I try to get upset and angry at what I wrote, to put myself back in that moment of feeling worthless and heartbroken. I succeed but than I find it pointless to dwell on it. I hear a song on the radio and cry because it reminds me of him and than two minutes later when the next song pops on, I think of the good times I could be having with my friends. It’s hard to know what’s right and wrong. Of course everyone wants friends and people to turn to but at the end of the night we also want someone to roll over to for pillow talk. Friends are supposed to be everything but so is love.
Believe me, I know the consequences of attempting to patch things up. I know my family will disapprove initially. They already have but stuck with me through the ups and downs of the last few months and I know they won’t do it much longer. His family will disapprove; they know just as much as mine does. Hurtful and hateful words have been thrown by each party to harm the other and they’ve been successful. Is there a fix to that? Certainly not a scissors and duck tape fix. If anything it’d be a hand-sown quilt by grandma kind of fix; long, precise, full of pricks to the finger, tears, and joy.