July.

Today is a new month and tomorrow is a new week.  I need to get back on the wagon and start making my life worth while.  I’ve been up and down, happy and sad, angry and hurt, broken and joyful.  I need to stop with the erratic self pity on how bad I feel that my life is and just be better at being me.  I need to start looking for a second job to keep up with a few bills, I need to stop burring myself into the computer for hours and instead pick up a book.  I need to work on myself physically, which is probably the hardest part emotionally for me.  I just need to get back on track.  I’ve been so sad, lonely, and distant from everyone because I’m in love with someone but yet, it feels like we shouldn’t be together right now for so many reasons.  What is that? Two people that want to be together, love each other, and are ready to go forward but can’t for so many unspoken reasons.  It almost feels traumatic.  I’m sure there are better words to explain what I feel like I’ve been going through but I can’t find them.  I can’t explain how I feel; I don’t know how I feel.  The only feeling I know I have for sure is love but at the same time I feel that it needs to be kept to myself because I need to work and focus on myself.  I need to be happy with who I am.  I try to fix and help people.  I love too deeply and care too much.  I push everyone else to achieve their dreams and goals; go out of my way to do things for others even if they are unseen and go unnoticed.  It’s time for a change and I need to show myself the same love and gratitude that I present to others.  It’s going to be a long hard road and I know I will have many doubts but I need to try.  I just want to smile again, a real smile.

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