I have my feelings about the term depression. I don’t like it, I have a negative view upon it and I feel like I have a validated reason which I’m sure is a terrible one. Throughout my high school years, I always encountered friends, “friends,” preppy kids, jocks, and ect complain about how DEPRESSED they were. I think this is where I realized that I’m not a very empathetic person. I was and still get sick and tired of people who continually complain via the web and social network sites about how depressed they are because of this and that. Granted, I do believe and have witnessed first hand what a version of depression is in it’s rawest state and I do/did feel empathy for those people. However, I don’t give a shit if miss prom queen or valedictorian is “depressed.” Get with it hunny, you’re doing just fine. Are you depressed because someone called you a whore when you were caught sleeping with someones boyfriend? Are you depressed because your parents took away your phone when you missed curfew? Or maybe you’re depressed because you didn’t get to start in the season opener of basketball. Poor you. I think that depression is real and it’s hard to shake, it’s hard to deal with, and it’s hard to treat. I also think that depression is an overused term to the extent that the word love is over used. It’s meaning deminshes over time with overuse and misinterpretation. Throughout my life, and primarily recently, I’ve wondered if I’m in some sort of depression. There are many types and I don’t know what I’d call what I feel each day as. I don’t want to die, I don’t want to hide, I don’t want to hate but that’s how I feel that I’m living. I don’t try to make friends, I don’t try to loose weight, I don’t try to get out and enjoy life. I just sit. I do nothing. I’ve been like this for at least two years but more recently I’ve been coming to terms with it and I need to stop pushing it aside and deal with it.
The thing is, I have people that love me. I have my family and my boyfriend in my life as constants. I have an amazing job that I love. I have “things,” I have a vehicle, nice furniture, a decorated apartment. I have two cute kitties. But I don’t have the joy that I see in everyone else. I don’t know how to obtain it and even if I did, I don’t know if I could because I’ve sheltered myself so much lately. I have hate in my system and I can’t stand it. I see people I love and I wish so much that I could just be a piece of what they are. I want to be that person that people can say “she’s such a good person.” But people can’t say that, because I am not. I want to rewind my personality to when I loved myself. What happened? How do I fix this? I don’t want pity and I don’t want lectures; I just want someone to slap me hard and push me into the right direction. Do I need to pray more often and go to church? How can I motivate myself to get healthy and get into shape? How do I find the good in people when I can’t even find it in myself? I hate going out and feel like I can just pick them apart. It’s disgusting and beyond painful for my inner dignity. Fuck. I’m not going to bullshit anyone, especially myself. I do honestly feel that I have become so negative because it seems absolutely impossible to become a healthy person. I read motivating messages all of the time. I keep in contact with a health coach. I know how to become and maintain a good weight, but I can’t obtain the motivation to do so. I need a plan.