We all know that life isn’t fair. It’s one of those things you say to someone going through a hard time. You need to remind every human being on the planet that it’s not fair. Why do we need to remind each other? It’s a depressing but a more than realistic cliche of a saying. Obviously, life isn’t fair.
I don’t have a name for what I’ve been experiencing the last year of my life. I’m sure some would call it depression but I don’t associate well with that term so I just refer to it as a 20-something mid-life crisis. Everyone around me is evolving. Family members, old friends, people I hate, strangers, everyone. Every single person I come in contact with or know about via social media is moving forward in life and I’m stuck. I’ve been stuck. I’ve been running around this constant carousel since I graduated high school. I have dreams and passions but they all seem so literally impossible to reach.
I feel like every decision I’ve made in the last five or so years have been mistakes. My biggest issue with life is money. I moved from Thief River to Grand Forks. I recieved housing assistance there but once I made too much, I was forced to pay out of my ass. So I moved somewhere else in GF. I bought out of that lease and moved back to TR for a year and a half. We bought furniture and material things. Spent money we didn’t have and accumulated bills we didn’t want. I left a financially stable and very secure position at my job in that town. I was set on a great track when I was there. Opportunities like crazy and praise like none I’d ever experienced But I left that because of the things going on in my personal life at the time. I moved back here to Grand Forks and struggled both financially and emotionally. I live in an okay but pay too much for box. All of that furniture we paid off is shit. Broken from wear and tear. Too much moving and I have nothing to show for where I am. Granted, I absolutely love my job and can see myself here and in this field for the rest of my life. I still feel like something is missing. I took a huge cut coming back to Forks and I think that is what is making me loath the people around me moving on with their lives. Deep inside, I truly am happy for the brand new moms, happy newlyweds, and fun Spring break trips. But closer to the surface, I’m envious. I want to get married, I want to be able to afford a wedding, I want to look good in the damn dress. I want a baby, I want a family. I want to go to Disney World, on a cruise, and to Europe. But how am I going to do ANY of that? How? Where did I fuck up?
Sure, I could have continued onto a bachelor degree once I graduated from the Community College, but what would I have done? I didn’t know at the time that I wanted to go into Education or Communications. Maybe my problems started before high school graduation. I didn’t receive the proper guidance on how to approach my future. Who’s to blame for that? Me, my parents, Mr. Radke? Who knows.
I do have to say though, that many great things have happened in the last five years. I met the love of my life. I worked as a Toddler Teacher in a daycare and fell in love with the education world. I gained amazing knowledge in the office realm of things that prepared me for things I never had previously thought about. I pushed through the worst year of my adult life and now I am happy at a job that I absolutely love and am considering taking night classes to get my Communications Degree.
Although, I do get down and have many jealous moments about all of the happy, no-worries people; I know that one day I will be there. I will get to achieve my dreams. Good things come to those who wait. Right?