As sort of a part B to my earlier post, I wanted to mention that I’ve been dreaming of potential aspirations on a deeper level the last few weeks. I’ve always been a dreamer and an achiever but if I’m honest with myself I’ve kind of put my imaginative fantasies on hold for the last few years. A handful actually.
I don’t know when I stopped “pursuing” my goals, it was probably my senior year. My senior year of high school, I had decided to go to college through the post secondary program which was a really awesome move for a 17 year old student. However, due to the lack of guidance from the school counselor, I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going to any relative extent. What’s my major? What do I want to major in? What do I want to be when I grow up? Not a single one of those questions were ever asked. How would I have known that’s what a school counselor was supposed to do if ours in fact was one of the most unintelligent people I’ve ever met? I’m not one to typically blame people for my life choices but I do hold this particular “educator” partly responsible for the lack of guidance as noted in his title. I was the first born in my family so there were no siblings to follow in footsteps of. I was also a relatively new student so I didn’t watch people come and go through high school and hear about future endeavors or achievements. Quite frankly, I knew that once high school was over, you go to college. Simple as that.
I hate to say for a lack of a better term that I resent my high school guidance counselor because in the end, the life and path I chose was my own. I’m sure that I had outlets of resources that I could have dug into further but hadn’t. Seeing that other students in my graduating class did go straight from high school to pursue college with a major in mind made me almost feel cheated. How did they know, where did they obtain this information, and who did they go to for questions?
Whatever the question or resolution may be, I stopped dreaming. I struggled financially through my two years of college obtaining an associates degree. However, I do hold a sense of pride in having said degree but I’m far from satisfied. The reason I didn’t go on from my associates degree was due to two main reasons.
- How the hell would I continue to go to college let alone a University on no financial assistance? I had worked two full time jobs through my first two years and lived with my parents to keep a roof over my head. Now, move to another city, work two full time minimum wage jobs, and keep the bills paid? No way. I fall into that obnoxious tax bracket of my parents make too much to get good student aid yet they make too little to support me through school.
- Fresh out of a two year associates degree at at 19, I still didn’t have a fucking clue what I wanted to do for the rest of my life and at that time thought that I wasn’t going to “waste” anymore money on school if I didn’t have a major. So I dove into the workforce.
I’ve bounced around from profession to profession the last few years, finding things I love and things that I hate. I’ve gone through every field from childcare to the corporation world to government regulations to the newspaper business and everything in between. The extensive knowledge I’ve obtained in the last handful of years is actually quite astonishing. In the most honest expression possible, I’m good at what I do, no matter what it is that I dive into. I am. I have some of the best professional work traits that employers would die for in an employee. I’m extremely competent, I’m an organizational freak, I can take two paragraphs of mixed up lingo and pop out an entire outline of how-to’s within hours, I’m a self-taught Google guru, I’m a teacher, and most of all; I have the patience and determination of an ant trying to get food to the queen. I’m great at what I do but I’m not great at achieving MY dreams anymore. What happened that 16 year old high school girl with aspirations popping from her ears?
This is changing and I feel it to the deepest parts of my core that this is changing quickly. My life has been on hold with no clear sign of a future for the last six years but that’s about to change. Whatever the cost may be, I’m ready.