It’s kind of crazy how a week changes things when you sit down and think about it. Last Tuesday, I woke up just like it was any other day of the week. Nothing special happened, nothing out of the ordinary. Later that afternoon is when I found out about Aron.
Granted, I never spent every waking moment with her and lost touch through the years due to the growing up process but she still held a place in my heart. After hearing about her passing and attending her wake, I realized how much people really mean to me. I’ve never felt neglectful of that action but other than my immediate family and boyfriend; I never paid much attention to those feelings.
I feel like I’ve been going in spurts. Sometime’s everything is normal and then I’ll see or hear something and I’ll suddenly get this flash of sadness rush through my entire body. I begin thinking about her, about her life, about her legacy. Her face is so vivid, she’s laughing. Most of the memories stem back to high school but some of them are after. I almost feel guilty in a sense because I wasn’t as close with her as I could have been. This whole experience of loss really makes me want to appreciate what I have more than I do.
I don’t want to be neglectful of the people in my life anymore. I want people to know that I truly care for them even though I don’t see them every day or year. Even more deeply than I think I’m even capable of comprehending. I put everything on the table when it comes to my close relationships with people. I’d stop my entire world to do something for my family or boyfriend in a heartbeat but I think that we lose sight of that with people we knew; childhood friends, distant relatives, old associates.
I’ve had so many morbid thoughts run through my head the last week; each worse than the one before. What if I lost another classmate, a co-worker, my brothers, or my parents for Gods sake? The list goes on. I’ve been having these dreams about receiving the news. I almost become immobile. I can’t speak or breathe. On the way home from work is the hardest. These overwhelming thoughts and feelings just spreading like a disease through my system. I just couldn’t imagine that feeling of emptiness and pain.
The reason for this blog was to delve into a better world; a better perspective. I’ve always felt and known that I’m a good person. I have morals; I like to think that I treat people well and with respect. However, after going through this process of learning about Aron’s passing; I feel that I need to become a better me. A truly better me. I need to take a step back on reality and really decide what I want to be important in my life.
Over the last 5 or 6 years, if I am being honest; I’ve kind of become an asshole. I don’t verbally throw it in people’s faces or anything, I think I have more sense than that. But myself personally, I go too fast. I don’t have patience, I have terrible road rage. I judge people before I even have time to think about their life. I think poorly of whiny people over social media. I don’t pity or show empathy towards very many people. I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be that old hag that hates everyone. I want to have compassion. I want to feel empathy. I want to truly care or be happy for people on the street and in my news feed.
I’m jealous of where people are in their lives verses mine. The education they’ve received or the family they’ve started. The honeymoon and trips they’ve taken. I get pissed when, what I perceive to be perfectly able people, use their EBT cards in the line ahead of me. I judge way too easily and it’s horrible.
To shorten it up; I’m a bully. Just because I don’t say something out loud doesn’t make me any better of a person. If anyone is being truthful with themselves, I think we’ve all been there. The excuses for this could stem from any possible outlet that you could find. I was bullied growing up, teased in middle school, low self-esteem, blah blah blah. Even though I’ve probably hidden behind that the last few years, it’s really no excuse. I was taught better than that. Growing up, I’ve always been told to stand up for myself, have an opinion, and fight for your right. But I’ve found instead that I’m full of anger, jealousy, and a lacking of any possible self-confidence.
Obviously, I need to work on my self-esteem and learn to love myself both physically and emotionally but I also need to grasp the term of acceptance. I need to accept that I look the way I do because of my actions and choices. I need to accept that metabolism and willpower aren’t my strengths. I need to accept that I didn’t choose to continue my education right after my associate’s degree. I need to accept that my life and my dreams aren’t on the same path as others seem to be.
In addition to that, I need to work on my thoughts. I want to be humble, compassionate, and kind spoken. I want to display empathy and truly mean it, open the doors for people, and smile at strangers. I’m not about to give up my personality and my dry humor but I can be more aware of my surroundings and the people in the landscape that I see every day. Just because an 80-year old man is driving 20 in a 40 doesn’t mean that I need to get irate and curse names at him through my windshield. Just because some women with 7 kids that barely speaks English is getting special privileges because she’s an immigrant doesn’t mean that I have to spit hate between my teeth. And just because ever other girl on Facebook seems to be living out my dream of getting married, going on a honeymoon, making babies, and buying a house doesn’t mean that I need to be resentful towards them.
My time will come but between then and now I need to appreciate what I have, be the person I wish I knew, and learn to love the world again.
You should try it.
Check out this song. I feel that it really resonates with what I’m trying to achieve. I need to be spiritually and emotionally happy if I ever want to live a full and successful life.
I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistake and I am humbled every step of the way.
I want to be a better person. I wanna know the master plan.
Cast you stones, cast your judgment, you don’t make me who I am.