“You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad.” –Aldous Huxley

This is so true. Recently, I spilled the beans on something that I was holding on to. I won’t go into specifics because it’s nothing that the world wide web really needs to be in the know about but what has come from it should ring true for people that are struggling with keeping something to yourself or opening up.

Have you ever been faced with a feeling, emotion, or situation that you weren’t okay with but you couldn’t quite put your finger on the “why” part of it? You don’t know why you feel the way you do. Well, you do but you have no logical reasoning as to why. It often comes to you as an instinctive feeling — something in your gut.

Well, me being me, I get that feeling a lot. Sometimes it’s small and I can brush it off. Sometimes it’s not small and I harbor it for weeks, months, years. I’m not a confrontation person. I don’t like arguing. I like getting my way and being right just like everyone else but in the sake of preventing an argument, I’ll be the first to back down.

Over the last year or so, I’ve had a gut instinct, feeling, frustration type of thing going on in my life. I expressed my concerns to a few close people in my life but I couldn’t shake the nagging irritation. I know that other peoples lives are other peoples lives. I encourage people to live the way they want because I would hope that people feel the same towards me. Do what you want, it’s your life. But this feeling, the feeling I couldn’t describe wouldn’t go away.

The longer I held my tongue, the more things piled up. The more things that piled up, the more difficult it would be to explain myself. And guess what, that day came. It came; flameless arguments arose and from what I was hoping, the tidal wave had settled. I got something off my chest by explaining myself to someone that I felt needed to hear it. I didn’t solve any world problems and the individual didn’t understand my why because matter-of-factly, I couldn’t explain my why. I kind of felt that it was just an agree to disagree situation.

Time passed.

Then recently, the issue reappeared three fold. Without diving into specifics that I really don’t feel need to be repeated, I felt like I was literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. To explain myself and answer a question will full honesty or to ignore it and hope it goes away.

Like I said, I don’t like confrontation but in this case, I didn’t feel like ignoring it because it wouldn’t have gone away. And if I would have ignored it, assumptions would arise that would probably be inaccurate or misconstrued. The worst part of this whole shitfest is that I don’t have a logical explanation. It’s just the way I feel. It’s how I’ve interpreted situations over the last year or so. It’s how I’ve responded to certain actions or conversations. It’s just my gut; my instincts kicking in and I’m not going to apologize for that.

“You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you mad.” –Aldous Huxley

The phrase “get your own life” was probably loosely noted but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had hurt someones feelings, so obviously due to the golden rule being in full force, I couldn’t be surprised if my feelings got hurt back. That phrase paired with unspoken knowledge that I’ve probably damaged my relationship with this individual really deeply, hurts my heart.  I didn’t open up to cause them pain but I, 100% feel like the bad guy when all I had been trying to achieve was to shed light on an issue that really was none of my business in the first place.

I didn’t ask to feel negativity towards the issue at hand. I didn’t purposefully seek out being annoyed or irritated at every conversation that came up. I didn’t like to feel as if I was being challenged for no particular reason. I felt as if I always tried to go into this open minded and with another chance in my back pocket but it back fired. If I would have kept my mouth shut, I would have felt two-faced yet I probably wouldn’t have put a huge divide in my life. I know that with time, things should hopefully pass and feelings will be put aside for the sake of relationships but what if it doesn’t?

What if I crossed the line?

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