Let Go & Let Life

I’ve written about this a couple times before but I think my viewpoint may be evolving into something a little less stressful.

Finally, at age 25 and a half, I’ve come to the conclusion that nothing is perfect and never will be. My dream life that 12-year old Ori had mapped out will never happen because half of the milestones have already passed and my 12-year old self also had no concept of what the real world was full of.

I’ll give you a glimpse at my 25 year old self according to my 12 year old self:

I’m married to my high school sweetheart. I have a college degree in teaching and am teaching 4th grade English. I have 2 kids and another one the way. I’m going to have 4 kids before I’m 28. We live in a very nice house that I designed on graph paper. We’re a well traveled couple and family. We go to church every Sunday, I’m healthy and very happy.

It’s hard for me to accept that I can’t control the universe (go figure) so I’m trying to be open minded in some areas of my life that I can’t control at the moment. I’m done forcing homeownership onto ourselves. When we are actually, really, realistically financially stable, we’ll look into it. And if a job doesn’t work out, so what. We’ll figure it out.

I am and always will be that girl that wants to be married and have kids. It hasn’t happened yet and I’m to the point where I’m realizing that that’s okay. Emotionally, I’m totally ready. I have been for years but I’m okay that neither have yet happened.

We talk about marriage often and coming up on our 7th year of holy relationship-hood. We aren’t even engaged. I’m not going to lie, it kind of bothers me. Why aren’t we at least engaged?  But this to, is a compromise in a relationship that is full of give and take. I know that we love each other and know we’re going to be together the rest of our lives. Marriage really, is a word. A document.  A piece of paper. A few legal things come along with marriage but the meaning of marriage isn’t any different than the meaning of our relationship.

And honestly, I’m at the point where I’m tired of people asking the question because it’s hard to hear. It’s hard for people to put us in a corner and say “When’s the wedding?” Sure, you think it’s funny but it really isn’t. It’s like rubbing a flashy new toy in the face of your 6 year old best friend. “Look what I have and you don’t.” Stop. It’ll happen when we’re both ready for it to happen. We’ve had some obstacles in the last 7 years that have forced us to re-evaluate things. You don’t see me laughing at you because you got married young, popped out 3 kids, and are divorced before your 2nd wedding anniversary, do you?

Kids, oh kids. I want to be a mommy so much. I can’t even explain how badly I want to be a mother. Instead of trying and hoping and dreaming, I’m going to just let life happen. It’ll be hard for me to do but it’s less stressful. They say when you stop worrying about things, things will come easier to you. When the time is right, it’ll be worth the wait.

With that being said, my 12-year old self of a wish for my 25-year old self really hasn’t been squashed. Just delayed like any flight on a stormy day.

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