Loneliness is the most paralyzing feeling I’ve ever experienced. It wouldn’t feel as such, I don’t think, if I knew an “us” in the future were ever a possibility but that bridge has been tattered and burned with no hope in sight. Of which, I’m no longer yearning for. Surround by family for 18 years and a partner for 9 after that. Whatever this is now.. is completely deafening.
Feeling alone in an environment where I’m surrounded with so much love is logically pitiful. Pull yourself out of it, I tell myself. You have so much. So incredibly much.
I can’t breathe sometimes and I can’t talk. I can’t sleep and I can’t wake up. I think to myself that I miss being held and taken care of but I never was held or taken care of so how can I miss it? How can being so alone make you miss things you never had?
Everything I see and touch and am surrounded by seems so bleak and vacant sometimes. My life is filled with so much, to the brim even. Yet so incredibly empty. Most times I can see the green grass on the other side. But then I’m reminded that loneliness is paralyzing.