Last week was filled to the brim of social interactions, after work happenings and overall glee. To be fair, it was my birthday week BUT I actually had no plans for my birthday to begin with, which was Friday, until a friend asked what I was doing. I was like, nothing, I don’t think? Not because I’m a sourpuss, because I’m not. But because I didn’t want to bother anyone.
Sidebar: I’m totally aware of this, but I sometimes get in these funks where I don’t know who is there for me. Who wants to be a part of my life. Who thinks about me in general. I wouldn’t call this situation a pity party, because trust me, that’s totally different but it’s a legit thought. I feel like I think about what everyone is doing all of the time. My parents, my brothers and the lives they lead, my closest friends, my colleagues. I think about people all. the. damn. time. But (in the most un-pity party of ways, seriously), I doubt I cross the minds of others as much as they cross mine and that’s totally fine. I think I’m wired weirdly in that aspect so I’ve never expected that level of thought from anyone else.
Anyway, with that being said, I just really didn’t want to bug anyone last week. I didn’t want anyone to feel obligated to hang out with me just because it was my birthday. I want people to hang out with me because they WANT to.
This post is getting away from me.. What it came down to was nearly every day last week, I had plans. Which was odd and cool and ‘ight with me.
This week couldn’t have been further from the opposite. I don’t think I’ve said more than 15 words any day after regular business hours this week. Home, work, home, work. I’ve been moving around just as much as last week though. A couple days this week, I’ve put together my IKEA purchases from the weekend and last night I rearranged my garage for some godforsaken reason. What’s different this time around of having a very quiet week, is that I’m okay in my quietness.
I’m finally okay.
For months, I’ve been trying to surround myself with positive energies because I really don’t like to be alone and I have been alone for awhile now. I don’t like loneliness, I don’t like being by myself. That doesn’t mean that I want to go be out and about all the time either. I think what I truly miss, is companionship, and just having someone that I know is there for me, that I’m their #1.
I’m not sure I’ve ever truly been anyone’s #1 even when I was in a long-term relationship but you know what I mean? Everyone has someone that is “most important” in their lives. My mom has my dad. My brothers have their spouses/families. Any friend or co-worker I have in my life is in the same boat; lives outside of whatever friendship we have (which is normal).
I think what I’m realizing is just so much more obvious at this moment in my life. I’m the only one in my world that is in my spot or stage of life. I’m sure this isn’t unique but my over-analyzing self sometimes gets so sad about this. I’m the only person I know that doesn’t have a spouse or children or a BFFL or what have you. I’m here in this world alone.
Again, getting off track. What I’m trying to get at is, I’m finally okay being by myself, I think. Maybe. Right now at least, I am. The quietness hasn’t made me sad or given me the level of anxiety as it has in past. Is this what healing feels like? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want this quietness to last forever. If I had two very quiet, no social life or interaction type weeks in a row, I might fall into another slump but this is progress!
What a difference a week can make.