I’m writing this post long after my trip occurred but I am predating it so that it fits snugly at the end of my series.
As soon as I arrived back to work this past week, I got swept away in the day-to-day of a working girl’s life (get your mind out of the gutter). But I did learn something on this trip and I need to record it for my future-self.
I learned that I am a lot more independent and both mentally and physically stronger than I give myself credit for and I learned that there truly is peace and solitude as described in day two.
Through reflection, I think what I’ve been most scared about is becoming too comfortable with being alone; I’ve been single for roughly a year and a half. There have been a couple of dates here and there, I was seeing a guy for about a month or so last fall, and I had some kind of weird FWB thing with a dude but nothing really stuck. Nothing ever really felt “real” so even during those blips, I still felt alone.
I don’t like feeling alone, I don’t like not having a person, but I’ve been okay lately. I had a blast on this trip up the North Shore. I enjoyed the alone time with myself; I enjoy my own company. I slept when I wanted to, I cried when I needed to, I sang at the top of my lungs without judgement. I moseyed and lingered around as long as I felt whenever I felt, wherever I felt. I did relish in the fact not having to appease someone else.
I know that, by nature, I am a people pleaser and I seem to, without a choice, mold my behaviors or moods into whoever I am surrounded by. I really want to change that because I’m slowly finding out that I’m pretty freaking great. But I know that I always think whoever I’m with is better than me, that their ideas are better than me or that their opinions or feelings or frame of mind is more superior than mine. I always let the other person in my life whether it be a friend, a family member or significant other.. I always let their presence be the dominant one.
I am definitly not dominant by nature but through this trip, I realized that I am just as important as the people that I surround myself with and should give myself more credit for that.
I know that this is becoming ramble but I guess to sum it up.. I’m okay for real. I think I’ve said that before in a previous post but I feel it more and more every day. At the beginning of this trip, I was feeling a level of anxiety that I had never felt before. I was too stressed to think, too busy to plan, and I completely changed my trip the day before I was supposed to leave which is so unlike me. But maybe I’m not the same “me” anymore. A lot has changed.
Now a week+ after this trip, I’m not feeling that same level of anxiety, I’m feeling more peaceful. I had a really really great time, by myself.
With that being said. I am still so afraid that I will be alone for a long long time and a part of me is sad that I don’t have anyone to share memories with on this trip but it’s okay.
I don’t want to rush into finding a relationship, I want it to find me. I don’t need to have a warm body to feel whole. I might want one, but I would rather wait until it’s the right one than to just fill a space in my bed. So, with that being said, this is where I leave you: If you’re reading this or if my future self is, you’re badass and so flipping cool already. I wish you could see what others do. You’re getting to where you need to be in this world and you won’t be alone forever, if that’s your fear. Having a fulfilling life alone will make you a better person when that one awesome dude comes along. You’ll have so much more to offer then than you do now. Love this time, girl.