Ori here, your one and only source into the weird little world of my semi-adventurous life. I really should take the Gossip Girl series for another spin, it’s been a few years and I’m missing that Upper East Side teenage drama. It might take the edge off from the monotonous still-in-a-panini lives we’ve all grown accustomed to. Or I’m just looking for my Dan Humphrey turned Joe Goldberg creep fix. Who knows.
This isn’t off to a great start, my bad.
So, two firsts here.. (Maybe more firsts but for sure two.)
If you’ve been following along over the years, the Pre-Trip Feels post has become a ritual of sorts. And, while I’m sure no one has noticed, because I’m the only freak who psycho-analyzes my own writing, these posts have become more and more anxiety-ridden as the years have progressed. You’d think it’d be the opposite. The more you travel, the more exciting it becomes or the less worrisome. Something like that. There’s even been a trip or two that I haven’t blogged about and to be real transparent, any trip from the last two years wasn’t written in real time; rather transcribed from my scribbles after the fact. Sometimes months after the fact. And it might seem like a non-issue to pretty much everyone, but it has been a problem for me.
I’ve been struggling to write the last couple of years. I haven’t been able to put my finger on what the hang up has been exactly but I do know a couple of things for sure:
- I’ve always held myself to a stupid high standard in everything I do. I set out to blog years ago and hit the ground running with it, finding joy in the practice and using it as an outlet to say what I needed to say or express how I felt.
- But, I also struggle to be a people pleaser and found myself holding back more and more; making sure to avoid certain topics, choosing to censor myself to spare the feelings of people I know would never bother to do the same in return.
- And, because I held myself to this invisible standard, I felt like I owed it to everyone other than myself to out-perform whatever I had previously written. I still put my heart into everything I write but the adventure-specific writing became more of a chore and less of an exciting re-telling.
- Lastly, I think I tried to cleverly use writing as a tool to cry for help but didn’t dare ask for help in the real world. I’ve always written my best when I’m hurt and I think that shows. I never verbalized, even in the written sense, how much I was struggling because I never, even to this day, will post a pain-filled post until I’ve moved through it. It’s not worth diving into more now, just a note of realization present day.
Anyway, that got a tad more serious than I expected it to, ha! I’m not quite sure if there’s a smooth segue here but this escapade I’m about to go on is going to be really stinkin’ cool. (Insert all the excited emojis here, plz.) I do have some anxieties about the first couple days of vaca for reasons I’m not sure I’ll dive into (see point #2 above) but the actual trip that I sorta planned that follows, there are no nerves in sight which is seriously the relief I didn’t know existed. So, #praisebe.
I wonder if it has to do with the fact that I, rather spontaneously if I may, booked the flight after a half dozen cocktails on the patio by myself one August evening.. Or, maybe my inner monologue was stuck on the TikTok sound looping over and over almost as if it was a dare: “Girl, don’t do it. It’s not worth it.” Because, spoiler alert, I did it.
P.S. It wouldn’t be a pre-trip feels post without an annual Bo pic!