Day 4: Airports & Airwaves

AM: As I was doing my morning skincare routine at a bright 4:30 am, I stopped to look at the woman I saw in the mirror and felt so much more joy than I remember feeling before. I sat there for a minute, thinking about all the times I’d looked in this mirror and so many others like it, wondering when the sadness and brokenness would leave. It was like I could see it written all over my face and I constantly tried to figure out how to conceal it and mask it each day. 

It’s still there, I don’t think the shit we go through in life ever really leaves us but eventually, there’s a day, and it might not be everyday, but there is a day when you’ll look in the mirror at your old self as if it were a black and white photograph. The stories are there, the memories even might be still just as vivid.. but so much has changed in the world and on the inside. It’s up to us how we handle that type of evolution. I’ve felt so stagnant for such a long time, in a period of waiting and truthfully, much more emotional than I’d been used to in comparison to the last couple of years.

But every moment has either forced me to grow or to appreciate the blessings I have, even if they aren’t as I prayed for.

This morning I drove myself to the airport for the first time. It doesn’t seem like a thing, millions of people do it daily. But I couldn’t help but feel a ping of loneliness realizing that at the end of the day, I have only myself.

This weekend was such a blast and even amongst all the glitter and glory, I still felt like an outsider. Like, something in me still didn’t quite click right with all of the people I was surrounded by.

This summer, my heart felt broken after having parted ways with an incredible friend. I found myself questioning everything about my life and character, reliving all those moments wondering what it was I’d done wrong.

But, in all those cases above and others like it over the years, I gained so much insight. A friendship reunited taught me to treasure each moment as it is, in the present. To not worry so much about tomorrow but instead be grateful for the right now in the capacity that it is.

Summer camp required me to let my guard down, to literally and figuratively dance like no one was watching. After all, the more genuine we are to ourselves, the less we have to try and fit the mold other people think we should fit into.

And driving myself to the airport really was no big thing but it gives me so much more courage, even in the smallest of ways, to make the big moves in my life for me and not for others. So many decisions I’ve made in life so far always have taken into account how it’ll impact others before I assess how it could impact myself, and that’s embarrassing to admit. It’s been a slow process, but I’m working on accepting the fact that I’m often an afterthought to most, a fifth choice. It becomes more and more clear each day. And, that’s fine. But the time has passed where I constantly put everyone first and fortunately for me, it’s now a black and white photograph.

PM: I arrived in Buffalo, NY this afternoon, home of the wings (yeah, those wings). So naturally, I had to grab a late lunch where it all started in 1964, Anchor Bar. Allegedly, that is. Apparently there is some dispute about the origin story but it sounds like most Buffalonians (Buffalites?) are team Bellissimo. Mrs. B still even has her own parking spot in the lot, even though she passed away decades ago. The wings were tasty and yes, I opted for the most mild/sweet sauce available because my Scandinavian roots don’t know how to handle spice but they were perfect and the view from the bar wasn’t half bad either. The OG AB was decorated with license plates and knick knacks from floor to about as high as a tall dude could reach and the perimeter of the ceiling was adorned with motorcycles from every era and make you could imagine. Check it out sometime, it’s pretty neat!

The evening ended with an impromptu jot over to Niagara Falls (like no biggie). My day will be spent there tomorrow in various ways but I’d heard that the Falls lit up at night are something to be seen so when in Rome, as they say. I’ll elaborate more tomorrow on the Falls because I’m dog tired but on nights like these, seeing something I’d dreamt about since I was a little girl.. it just left me speechless. I really wish I didn’t have to experience everything alone so often. But, c’est la vie, right?

Here’s an assortment of visuals that rounded out my day, in the event you made it this far:

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