Night 5: Finding a silver lining

Well, I wouldn’t want anyone to think that traveling, let alone traveling solo, is all rainbows and blue skies so I figured it’d be fair for me to share a downfall of traveling with Ori.

I won’t dive much into the details because I don’t think they nessisarily matter here but not everything goes according to plan, even for those more organized, like myself. And even when plan A, B, and yes, even C fall through, it’s hard not to feel discouraged and overwhelmed.

I had to slow down last night and rely on someone else when I always make such an effort to only rely on myself. It made me feel like I let myself down, even though I know that’s not really the case. But the need to be self-sufficient and okay alone or strong or independent (or whatever descriptor you want to insert) is only a self-prescribed treatment plan. It’s okay to need a minute and ask for help. It doesn’t make you broken or weak, it doesn’t make me broken or weak. If anything, it can strengthen your spirit, at least it is mine.

I’m finding that this incessant obligation to be so self-reliant is more trauma-based than an actual desire. I’ve learned a lot and grown tremendously from whatever independence I’ve gained over the years but it’s also given me the clarity to realize that I don’t actually enjoy uber-independence or thrive to achieve some ultimate status of it, if that makes sense.

I don’t buy into the modern day feminist movement where women are superior and run the world, it just doesn’t jive with me. And on the opposite side of the spectrum, I don’t require a spouse to survive. I can hold my own. But do I want to? Not really. I’d like to share life and responsibilities with someone again one day.

Woof, this is getting off course..

Twice in the last month, I’ve been reminded of a message the pastor I primarily listen to touched on. It was about the struggles we’re faced with and I was reminded of it this morning after revisiting last night’s feels.

He talks about how sometimes we’re put into situations so that we can grow in our faith. Sometimes, and honestly oftentimes, our prayers aren’t answered in the way we hope. If they were always handed to us on a silver platter, would we rely on Him? There are going to be times in life when stuff doesn’t go according to the plan A or B or C that we outlined. (keyword there: we) And there will be loads of times, maybe even more than not, where we don’t feel His grace around us at all, like we’re doing all the “right” things but everything is going wrong. There’s a reason for it all and it’s fair to say, we may never know the reason on this side of Heaven. That’s gotta be okay.

The specific crap I dealt with last night kind of feels silly now in the grand scheme of things and I don’t know why nothing had panned out as planned. I’m frustrated with myself for not being able to sort through it on my own but I’m also trying to give myself the space to say it’s okay, because it is. And it’s a new day.

Today, I’m thankful for the calm, rational, banterful mind of a friend and the (kinda spotty) cellphone towers in the Vermont mountains. Both of which are silver linings admist an otherwise dimly lit evening.

And this is also meant to serve as a reminder for anyone reading to give yourself some grace too. It’s always and forever okay to take a minute, allow yourself some space, and a moment in time to just pause. The world won’t stop just because you do.

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