Re-reading that, some might think I’m anti-love but I’m not. I believe that love is one if the greatest things a person is blessed with. To endure and to give love is an amazing yet heartbreaking experience. Everyone deserves to be loved from deep inside their core to their fingertips and to the soles of their feet. Love is powerful and can move mountains but if your being realistic, it can also flood seas and kills dreams. Point being; love fully, wholeheartedly, and most of all love truly. Any heartbreak will be well worth the feeling of joy in the best of times. Parents and family members die, children go to college, girls will move on, and men will have affairs but you’ll never know if your the victim until you’ve loved. Love and live, no one has ever said they don’t love being loved. Unless of course they are ignorant and haven’t found the unwritten wisdom behind it.
Throughout my entire life, I’ve always considered my middle brother to be my best friend. I’ve had friends come and go throughout the years just like anyone else but a sibling can never be replaced. We can tell each other anything and everything without judgment. We quite clearly lead separate lives in separate cities with separate directions but we always have each other.
Yesterday we went on a long overdue spontaneous road trip to the cities. What for? To shop at IKEA! I’ll leave out the nauseating details of a great day with my kid brother but I was reminded of so many happy and positive things in my life while hanging out with him yesterday. He’s so down to earth and is able to ground even the most “strung out on stress” person. There’s a sense of intoxication from being able to laugh and share memories for hours and hours. Music blasting and laughing until we cry makes everything else in the world temporarily disappear. Any doubts about how shitty the slowly creeping days of our existence are moving by, slowly evaporates as soon as we are together. I think we were both reminded that we have each other. Reminiscing about the past and updating the present is proof that the future has so much to offer for both of us.
It’s so easy to build a positive character when you have someone to turn to. I need to remember to live my life in the way that I want to and not let others hold me back. If someone scowls because I’m having the time of the life, I shouldn’t be allowed to let that get to me anymore. I’ve so easily become a mummy among everyone else, putting each person I come in contact with before myself and although that’s my nature; I still deserve to live the way that makes me happy as well. I came to a realization yesterday on why some people may not have a positive outlook about me and I intend to change that. While there are instances that I have no control over, I want people to see me for who I am; for who Nick sees me and knows me as, not the person that you think I am. I’ve pushed myself so far into the back that it was so easy for persons to develop false opinions of me. So, here goes nothing.
Since I’m a North Dakotan resident this voting season, I want to take a second to stress the importance of voting to my fellow Minnesotan people. There are so many important reasons to vote this year among one of the most important is for the presidential seat. But what’s more important on a personal level for so many Minnesotans is the equality of marriage. Love comes in so many different forms and faces. It comes to us through acts of kindness, feelings of doubt, at times when we don’t deserve it, and the most important moments in our lives. To some people marriage may just be a signature on a piece of paper signed 25 years ago but to so many of the people we see everyday that are a part of the LGBT community, marriage is a significant piece of history that wants to be embraced on the deepest level possible. Being able to marry the one person that you feel complete with shouldn’t be given the cold shoulder and shouldn’t be hated by the most bigoted of people. So please, Minnesota; vote NO on November 6th. Even if you don’t know anyone personally and haven’t seen it first hand, please show your support. I CANNOT stand seeing the people that I love and know go through another day knowing that the one thing that people look forward to when planning their lives as little boys and girls can’t be fulfilled because a few thousand people don’t want to support them. Please, VOTE NO. If not for me, do it for the future generation.
I’ve expressed my opinion on gay rights in the past and it still stands. I believe wholeheartedly that anyone regardless of sexual orientation should be entitled to marriage. Marriage is something more than just a boyfriend/girlfriend label. Marriage is something that is so meaningful on such a deep spiritual level for all those involved. This post in particular is in relevance to the religious community. I saw and shared the below photo to FB as I was raised in the Catholic community. Granted, I haven’t been to church in longer than an acceptable amount of time but I’m discovering that my reasoning for choosing not to attend is due to the negative views that the Catholic community has pushed on the younger generation based on the “faith.” I’m not a spokesperson for my religion nor any other but it disgusts me on the deepest level that today’s current religious guru’s insist on being blinded by the current events of the 21st century. In the Catholic church, for example, so many things have changed in the short 22 years that I’ve been around. When to sit and when to stand, which words to say within prayers and which words have been omitted. Those are just a few small things that have evolved. But why? Why is it okay for the church to change what they want based on who? It’s okay for us to eat pork but women can’t take birth control to prevent and unwanted child at the current moment in her life? It’s legitimate for God to put sex offender priests on this Earth but it’s not okay for two men or two women to get married? Catholicism as well as many other religions around the world based off of the Bible only pick and choose what to follow and what to believe. The Bible was constructed over an enormous period of time most of which is irrelevant to the evolving world of which God has created. The Bible was made and constructed by primarily men. The Bible has homosexuality, infidelity, murder, and sex. The Bible is the past and as we’ve learned through schooling all of our life; in order to concur our current future we need to LEARN from our history. I am faithful to the Lord and I turn to him in every aspect of my life. I believe in him just as much as someone who preaches for the belief against my opinions. Show love, support equality, and embrace change!
Man, I wish life would give us all a break. I’m blaming it on 2012. If it’s not one thing going wrong, it’s another. And if it’s not myself or a loved one, it’s someone around me that’s going through something tough. We’ve just encountered the second half of a difficult journey that ever so inconveniently decided to pop up at one of the worst times. Even though I’m scared and worried, I’m holding my head high. Strength is something that I feel I’ve acquired more and more over the course of this year and I need to put it to good use. Everything happens for a reason and all we can do is to let go and let God. I need to keep my heart strong and my perseverance raving for my sake and the ones around me.
I will not let you fall, fail, or give up. I have enough strength and perseverance in my soul for the both of us. One day and one step at a time will get anyone through the worst of times in the lives that we are dealt with.
I have the most honest, raw, beautiful, amazing, incredible brother any girl could ever ask for. Nick GordonFast you are an absolute angel sent from Heaven and it’s an incredible honor that I know you as well as I do. I love you, you are worth it, and you are capable of the most amazing things imaginable.
Life is so hard, love is even harder. This kid is one of the most important people in my life. Actually, he probably tops this list. Love concours all, I am proof and belive in it whole-heartedly.
I love you, Nick.
I love you, Nick.
– Nightgowns – Bunny Hill – Hawks – Rail Road Short Cut – M&K Takeout – Quilts – Painting Fabric – Painting G’mas Toenails – Holly Hocks – Scrabble – Rummy – Swimming – Docks – The Fosters – Fishing with Dad – Uncle Troy – St. Marys – Pow-Wows – Guardian Lions – Guardian Angels – Weird Neighbors – Roll Out Garden – Grandma – Campbells Soup – Daisy Gardens – Crazy Dayz – Ben Franklin – 1 Cent Tootsies – Casino – Sand – Beach – Trading Post – Buoy – Big Waves – Cigarettes – Coffee – Croquet – Dressing Up – Yellow Brick Road – Pollyanna – Santa Claus – Doll Houses – Fire Crackers – Family – Life – Red – Nut Cracker – Vonnie – Donna – Madonna – VHS – Paper Dolls – Angels – Halloween – Bees – Isabella – Skinned Knees – Sidewalk Chalk – Monopoly – Potato Salad – Fudge Frosting – Jed and Joyce – Marvins – Flowers – Swimming – Unc’s Plays – Braids – Mickey Mouse – Wallpapered Doors – Black and White Tile – Dorothy – Smoke – Laughing – Flood – Crab Apples – Everything Happy
Mom, Nick. Logan, Channing, and I went up to Warroad to see Grandma Rita yesterday. I’m so happy that we all were able to go. I love seeing her. Everything on the way there made me think of the best of times, so many memories, so many unforgotten things. I was amazed at what I remembered about every little area of the town. Just being at Grandmas made my entire week, I wish we all didn’t live so far away.
Sorry for the lack of updates as promised. This week has been unbelievably stressful. I’ll spare you the details because I’ll just be on a tangent but to put it simply I’m worn out! By tomorrow at 5PM I will have put in almost 51 hours. For some reason, looking at that number doesn’t seem as drastic as I’ve probably made it sound this week but I haven’t been this overwhelmed in a long time. Even though it’s been a hard week, I do appreciate everyone that has helped at work in all of the ways they were able to. I also feel that I’ve gained Independence through my work and being able to do things that I normally haven’t done or been familiar with.
This is the first time in a long time if not the only time that I’ve truely felt the heaviness of anxiety and hopelessness. I just felt as if there was no end to the tunnel. I’m finally getting caught up now and am able to breathe.
Yesterday when I came home I completely broke down. The second I opened the door I just cried. I couldn’t help it, usually I can handle myself and just cool down but I just felt that I was pushed to my max. I hadn’t eaten or drank anything the entire day except for a slice of pizza at 7PM because Chann said I needed to eat something or I’d get sick.
Speaking of him, he’s been absolutely amazing this week. Tuesday when I was realizing the impact of stress I was going to have and worked a twelve hour day he had supper in the oven, dishes washed, and groceries bought. All without me mentioning or even hinting it! It sounds pretty silly to be so excited about it but it really meant a lot to me.
Just wanted to make a pit stop and let everyone know that I’m still around. My computer took a crap on me early last week so I haven’t been updating my blog. I suppose I could post via my Droid but that’s just a pain in the rear. I’ll try though, because I have a small list of topics I’d like to blog about including partying verses raising a child, the war, fair season, retirement, and Amazon purchases!
|Fun Business in GFunk.|
P.S. Life has been going good the last few weeks and I’m very happy. Let’s keep it up world! :)
I’m going to make this brief because I tend to ramble and it’s like following the yellow brick road. Tomorrow, July 11th will mark four years of courtship. We’ve defiantly been down the darkest of alleys, ran up the steepest hills, and fallen between the slightest of cracks; but through all that stands love. To those who have faced love square in the nose, you know it’s not always easy. Really, it shouldn’t be. Love tests boundaries, those boundaries in turn help you to realize, accept, and understand the true meaning of it. We are far from perfect and have issues just like any other couple but at the end of the day we were never truely ready to give up on the beauty of us. He gives the best hugs. He makes me laugh until I feel like I’m going to piss in my pants. He listens, helps me through everything, and is my strong-hold. He knows what to say and when to say it. He’s him, and I love him. <3
Today is a new month and tomorrow is a new week. I need to get back on the wagon and start making my life worth while. I’ve been up and down, happy and sad, angry and hurt, broken and joyful. I need to stop with the erratic self pity on how bad I feel that my life is and just be better at being me. I need to start looking for a second job to keep up with a few bills, I need to stop burring myself into the computer for hours and instead pick up a book. I need to work on myself physically, which is probably the hardest part emotionally for me. I just need to get back on track. I’ve been so sad, lonely, and distant from everyone because I’m in love with someone but yet, it feels like we shouldn’t be together right now for so many reasons. What is that? Two people that want to be together, love each other, and are ready to go forward but can’t for so many unspoken reasons. It almost feels traumatic. I’m sure there are better words to explain what I feel like I’ve been going through but I can’t find them. I can’t explain how I feel; I don’t know how I feel. The only feeling I know I have for sure is love but at the same time I feel that it needs to be kept to myself because I need to work and focus on myself. I need to be happy with who I am. I try to fix and help people. I love too deeply and care too much. I push everyone else to achieve their dreams and goals; go out of my way to do things for others even if they are unseen and go unnoticed. It’s time for a change and I need to show myself the same love and gratitude that I present to others. It’s going to be a long hard road and I know I will have many doubts but I need to try. I just want to smile again, a real smile.
This kid is my brother. He’s legit. He’s honestly the only thing that makes my day even when I’m not around him. He’s straight with the truth but listens, understands, and accepts everyone for who they are. I love him and support his life and existence. Tomorrow he’ll be around for 20 years and I’m glad to have had the privilege to be his big sister. In all truth, I look up to him. Check his shit out.
Gotta Make It – http://youtu.be/NBgQWLfsCKE
I’m sitting in my parents quiet house. This is something far to rare as it always seems to be overwhelmingly noisy here between the TV, Logan’s loud music, a random air compressor or lawn mower going on outside. Cars driving by, kitties meowing, Shadow barking; you get the gist. The family is at my cousins graduation in Fargo. I wasn’t even going to come here but I just needed quiet. Overall, I’d say this weekend was actually pretty decent and I’m thankful for that. I’m trying a more calmer approach on life this week. I’ve been stressed beyond the stretches of the most flexible elastic for quite some time now and need to find a way to cut back. Between my relationship, a new job, family, and finding a place to call home; life has been nothing but hectic. It’s my fault you know, I probably make it more difficult than it has to be. I try to please everyone. I want to feel successful in my professional life. I want to feel loved and give millionth chances all the while pray to Jesus Christ himself that my family can be okay with it. I want to be accepted and not spoken ill of; I want to be something, be worth something. I’m kind of at the point that I feel as if I ‘can’t’ say certain things to some of my family because I already know what they are thinking before I even open my mouth. It’s draining. After talking to Nick the other day, I found that I need to adapt more to his way of thinking. He doesn’t let family know a lot of what’s going on in his immediate personal life. Which is okay, it really is. I think that since I’ve pushed so many friends away through the years that the only system of potential support I have is my family but in having that and using that structure; I find that it is ruining my relationship with my parents. A relationship that I cherish and don’t want to abandon or abuse. They are beyond supportive of all three of us kids. Always pushing us to do the right things and achieve our dreams. My mom especially has been right by my side through absolutly EVERYTHING in my life. The last few months I’ve been through so many different emotional things and my mom has guided me through it all. But, I can’t tell her everything anymore. It’s wrecking our mother/daughter bond. Sure, I can tell her just about everything but when it comes to my relationship with the only person I’ve ever loved; I can’t share it with her anymore. Her feelings towards him, I feel, are already abandoned. No matter what I will say, I really do think that it will be a very long time before she would have the potential to accept him again. I understand that completely though, she’s a mother. She has every right to think what I’m doing isn’t right for me, it’s okay for her to think I’m making an idiotic mistake or have poor judgement. I am however, just as hard-headed as she is and I will do my best to show her the good in every situation and person. I can’t read the future but many times mothers do know everything and are always right. In the meantime, I need to learn for myself. I love you mom.
|Butterfly on moms lilac bush.|
“Through sickness and through health.” I’ve found that through this weeks events that this vow holds a whole new meaning to me. Over the last three and a half years, we’ve been through the absolute darkest doors that I never thought I’d even enter and now we have another to go through. It almost feels like we are in a maze of doors leading to different directions, setbacks, and unseen opportunities. I try to embrace each one as something to be learned because God never hands out more than we can handle but He sure pushes the limit.
|A Chance To Grow|
We took a much needed getaway yesterday and it was fantastic! 2011 was probably our hardest year, we had ups and downs both personally and professionally. It was hard for us to deal with it on our own let alone together. But, since 2012 is now here, we are going to try to do things that make us happy. I know that just one day to Bemidji sounds like something small but for us it was big because for the longest time we only had enough money to pay bills and try not to suffocate each other by being together 24/7.
We went thrift and pawn store shopping, just a simple day. I think it was the quality time we got with each other that made it special and we were able to re-kindle that lovey, dovey, moment sharing thing people crave. It was kind of a reminder of why and what we love about each other. <3