I feel amazing. I, for the first time in literally YEARS, have finished a workout video.  I’m showered and refreshed now sipping on some ice cold water.  I’ve been telling myself for years and trying to coax myself into a regime more recently than ever before and I finally did it.  I need to keep on this because I do feel good after the workout.  I did it to the best of my current ability and I know that I will improve if I stick with it and switch it out every so often.  If I can continue to push myself in doing this, I will be posting the blog portion to rather than to this blog but for now it’ll be on here.  According to MFP, I’m still under my calories today with the exercise configured in which is good.  However, what I have eaten hasn’t been healthy in the least.  For now, I need to focus on one aspect at a time.  At the end of the video Billy Blanks says some motivational words to the viewers about perseverance and willpower. He notes that you CAN do it if you choose to.  No one else can do it for you.  I was so overwhelmed that I did start crying because even though it was a 45 minute video and I didn’t do everything exactly the way they did, I still felt good about myself.  I know that I have an enormous journey ahead of me but I pray to the Heavens that I don’t give up because I don’t see immediate results.  


Life is so hard, love is even harder. This kid is one of the most important people in my life. Actually, he probably tops this list. Love concours all, I am proof and belive in it whole-heartedly.
I love you, Nick.


I had much more to say about this when it actually happened but seeing as I’m just getting to blogging about it; I’ll keep it short.  My heart goes out to the families of the lost, it truly does.  It was an absolutely terrible thing to have happened by an absolutely terrible person.  But I do have two things to say. 
1. Personally, I would have HATED if Christian Bale came to see me in the hospital for so many reasons.  I’d find it incredibly annoying as an adult because in my cold heart I’d see it as bonus points for him.  Being a good samaritan and all, taking charge and being a real Super Hero. Yeah right. And If I were one of those children, I’d be deathly afraid of the real Batman coming to see me considering that  he couldn’t save me when I needed him most.
2. I haven’t done any research on this aside from the jib jab on Facebook, but what the hell is with these anti-Obama people saying this shitty thing is because of the government not letting everyone have guns or some bullshit?  Like criminals will follow the law or something. And if everyone did have a gun, they’d all be killers trying to blindly shoot at the assassin. So get a grip.


I have my moments of happiness. However, they are far and few in between. I’m not excited about anything, I could care less if I went anywhere or did anything. Overall, I’m just sad. I’m sad with the life that I’m in. I want to be happy and carefree but can’t. I cry over everything. I get upset very easily. I’m just so so sad.


I got home a little before 4 a.m.  I woke up at 5:30 to get ready and drive to work. I feel so numb. I’m in pain at such a deep emotional state that I can’t even describe. There are so many things left unsaid and too many things that were said. The love for another can be so profound, so deep, and so real; but ultimately reaccuring events will never solve a problem. I’ve loved far too long, far too much, far too hard to walk away. I support where and when needed; I don’t ignore it to make stress flee. This also makes me an enabler and I refuse to enable from this day on.