Money is hard to come by these days. I just got my internet connected today and checked out my bank account which I’ve neglected for the past few hectic months. I keep track of everything in my ledger that I carry with me but I’ve always liked to double check online. Turns out I forgot to subtract a months worth of rent way back in the November/December area. Our previous landlord never cashed checks [probably because he’s a millionaire] so than when he does it’s like a gigantic lump sum. Well, I’m off by about $313 and rent was $300 so I’m pretty disappointed in my lack of configuring that. Thank the good Lord that my deposit for this new place hasn’t been cashed. I’m thinking they hold on to it or put it in an escrow until my lease is up which is good for me since I currently have no way of getting additional funds. If they happen to cash it, I’ll be in the hole about 300 some doll hairs. Ugh. Time to start [second] job hunting. On a pessimistic note, this is just one more depressing thing to add to my ever growing list of “Life Sucks.”
I got home a little before 4 a.m. I woke up at 5:30 to get ready and drive to work. I feel so numb. I’m in pain at such a deep emotional state that I can’t even describe. There are so many things left unsaid and too many things that were said. The love for another can be so profound, so deep, and so real; but ultimately reaccuring events will never solve a problem. I’ve loved far too long, far too much, far too hard to walk away. I support where and when needed; I don’t ignore it to make stress flee. This also makes me an enabler and I refuse to enable from this day on.
I’m sitting in my parents quiet house. This is something far to rare as it always seems to be overwhelmingly noisy here between the TV, Logan’s loud music, a random air compressor or lawn mower going on outside. Cars driving by, kitties meowing, Shadow barking; you get the gist. The family is at my cousins graduation in Fargo. I wasn’t even going to come here but I just needed quiet. Overall, I’d say this weekend was actually pretty decent and I’m thankful for that. I’m trying a more calmer approach on life this week. I’ve been stressed beyond the stretches of the most flexible elastic for quite some time now and need to find a way to cut back. Between my relationship, a new job, family, and finding a place to call home; life has been nothing but hectic. It’s my fault you know, I probably make it more difficult than it has to be. I try to please everyone. I want to feel successful in my professional life. I want to feel loved and give millionth chances all the while pray to Jesus Christ himself that my family can be okay with it. I want to be accepted and not spoken ill of; I want to be something, be worth something. I’m kind of at the point that I feel as if I ‘can’t’ say certain things to some of my family because I already know what they are thinking before I even open my mouth. It’s draining. After talking to Nick the other day, I found that I need to adapt more to his way of thinking. He doesn’t let family know a lot of what’s going on in his immediate personal life. Which is okay, it really is. I think that since I’ve pushed so many friends away through the years that the only system of potential support I have is my family but in having that and using that structure; I find that it is ruining my relationship with my parents. A relationship that I cherish and don’t want to abandon or abuse. They are beyond supportive of all three of us kids. Always pushing us to do the right things and achieve our dreams. My mom especially has been right by my side through absolutly EVERYTHING in my life. The last few months I’ve been through so many different emotional things and my mom has guided me through it all. But, I can’t tell her everything anymore. It’s wrecking our mother/daughter bond. Sure, I can tell her just about everything but when it comes to my relationship with the only person I’ve ever loved; I can’t share it with her anymore. Her feelings towards him, I feel, are already abandoned. No matter what I will say, I really do think that it will be a very long time before she would have the potential to accept him again. I understand that completely though, she’s a mother. She has every right to think what I’m doing isn’t right for me, it’s okay for her to think I’m making an idiotic mistake or have poor judgement. I am however, just as hard-headed as she is and I will do my best to show her the good in every situation and person. I can’t read the future but many times mothers do know everything and are always right. In the meantime, I need to learn for myself. I love you mom.
|Butterfly on moms lilac bush.|