An open letter to the lonely-hearted.

No matter how much you mentally prepare for social media love bombing every February 14th, it still stings just about as hard as the nationwide cooldown that’s going on right now. If it’s not Minnesotans bragging about how low their “real feel” displays on whatever app they have downloaded than it’s a dramatized and amplified version of the love in everyone’s lives.

This letter is selfishly more of a therapeutic release for myself than anything but sadly, I know there are more people than just me sitting at home trying to find the balance of staying-off-social-media-for-your-mental-health but also subjecting oneself to the red-hearted vomit that floods your feeds and wanting to throw a pity party cursing every single box of chocolates and lovely bouquet of flowers.

Woof, that screams a run-on sentence.

Don’t get me wrong, the girl typing this is just as guilty of displaying an over-the-top geasture for all to see. But that girl then was a broken one. One who thought showing everyone how great things were going would somehow be a permentant display of the rose-colored glasses behind the screen; a mask if you will.

A girl who rarely felt good enough and year after year, begged for the absolute minimum from a damn man. A girl who genuinely thought she was put on this earth to show love but not receive it because that is what experience has taught her. A girl who knows she was meant to sit on the sidelines.

A girl who felt as if, and sometimes still feels as if, she must constantly evolve in the moment, like a chameleon. Changing and molding herself into the people she surrounded herself by because she wasn’t good enough as she was. Or so she thought.

Sound familiar?

That girl is more than just an old version of “me” and I think about that a lot. On quiet days when I haven’t opened my mouth to speak to another person, on the loneliest of days.. she comes to surface. It’s like the enemy verses the victor. Negative thoughts and reminders of how worthless she is ooze out at the most inconvenient times. And mindless scrolling to self-sabotage all the good she has in her life just spills over, it doesn’t help.

I saw a video the other day that described this so perfectly. In it, the narrator said: Her love fell down like rain droplets, even on the days she tried to stay dry.


This letter is to serve as both a distraction from the #FakeItTilYouMakeIt positivity that is trolling the socials I know you’re subjected to and as a reminder that you don’t have to be that version of yourself if you don’t want to be.

I don’t want to meet that girl ever again; the one who was convinced that she was both too much and not enough even though she was more than enough and never too much. The one who allowed the bar to be set so stupidly low; whose identity shifted out of fear of rejection.

It’s okay that today is a day filled to the brim with love all around you but not to you and it’s okay if today you’re the only person you say “I love you” to today. You deserve to feel the same love you give, you deserve to raise that damn bar further than you can reach, and you deserve to ooze kindness and self-compassion for yourself before anyone else.

One of my very favorite blessings in this world turns five in six days. I knew becoming an auntie was going to shift something in all our lives but I never could have imagined how much she’d change my entire world. And how much I want to change the world so hers isn’t as hard.

I cannot imagine a day where I don’t encourage her to strive for the absolute maximum of what she deserves. I can’t imagine allowing her to come down on herself so hard that she feels like she’s drowning. I can’t imagine her ever feeling unloved, unseen, or unheard.


If you’re hanging out all by your lonesome today trying to find the joy in everyone else’s love (like I am), you’re not alone. And honestly, you might not even be there (see paragraph two).

But, no matter how cliche it is, this too shall pass. We all have different reasons for why everything seems so difficult all the time and I think sometimes it’s always going to feel like you’re the only one going through it even though you aren’t. In a world claiming to be so accepting of uniqueness and vulnerability, we still shy away from it like it’s taboo or something; to feel sad and alone and tired.

I don’t know how to make everything better for everyone but Lord knows, if I could, I would. I don’t want to go through anymore pain in my life but I will and I don’t want my niece to bear witness to it one day either but she will. All that I can do, all that you can do, is face it ’til you make it.

To the lonely-hearted: You’ll get there, you’ll find a way. And if no one has told you yet today, Happy Valentine’s Day you beautiful, incredible soul of a human! I love you! <3

Sometimes.

Some days go by so fast that I’m not ready for them to be over. Some weeks I have more things to do, more plans, more people than I know what to do with. Sometimes I wonder when the last time I had a night or two of nothing to give myself a minute to breathe. Some nights I don’t even remember what it was like to be with someone because my days and nights and mornings are filled with pleasant distractions.

And then some nights.. I feel like I’m the only one in this world that is alone. The only one that doesn’t have a person. No one to turn to, no one to have lunch or dinner with, no one to go to an event with or to seek advice from. No one to share my successes or shortcomings with; or selflessly love me regardless of the comment that comes out of my mouth next. No one is there to send stupid memes to or literally chill while watching Netflix. No one is around to be on my side always, to love me forever, to know me better than I know myself, to get me the way I get them. I feel so much for so many people all of the time but I’m afraid no one in this world will ever feel ‘so much’ for me.

And if you’re asking, the answer is no, I don’t miss him anymore. Each month that passes, my eyes are more open to the red flags that lingered around far too long. But I do miss the companionship, the personal cheerleader, the presence of another human. I miss knowing that I could say and feel and act however I wanted and I wouldn’t be looked at the way a stranger would look at me. I wouldn’t be judged or questioned or ridiculed the way a friend or family member would judge or question or ridicule me. I miss knowing that I had a person. A non-perfect in nearly every way, but a person nonetheless.

The emptiness and void doesn’t seem to go away. Perhaps it’s masked by all the “stuff” I have going on in the spurts of too busy to think but when the slow times come; when nothing is happening and no one is around.. it hurts. All of it, everything.. hurts. The feeling of standing still while everyone else, everything else is moving on.. it’s so real and it feels as if there’s all this noise around but eerily silent at the same time.

Some days I say goodbye to everyone at work come 5:00 and don’t say another word until ‘good mornings’ 15 hours later. Some weeks I wish people would do what I wanted to do or say what I needed to hear instead of it always being the other way around. Sometimes my tears are too big and the room is too dark. Some nights I wonder if I’ll ever feel better.


About This Post: For so long I’ve been writing in a personal draft without publishing anything. It’s nearly 20 pages long. Full of ramblings and sadness; memories that are good, bouts of depression from both sides.. Moments I knew it should’ve been over, doubts I had never said aloud. From day one, I’ve had so much to say but didn’t dare say it thinking if I at least get it down and out, I’ll feel better. Similar to the concept of writing something down and burning it forever. It doesn’t work.¬†I didn’t want to hurt anyone or damage anything by writing it out on a blog that I’m sure no one reads. But the more that time passes, the only person I’m damaging at this point by keeping all of it in, is myself. Thank you for reading. More to come, probably.

Vagabond by MisterWives

Everything is fine but nothing is okay. I’m filled and surrounded by love yet alone all at the same time. It doesn’t make sense. C’est la vie, I guess. Anyway; this is on repeat. One of my favorite songs as of late and it’s cool because it’s relatable regardless of your current mood, situation, or the weather outside. Enjoy.

Nostalgia.

10891799_10152947100593363_8204990569162125994_nI should have left the house sooner than I did today. The snow was fresh and fallen. We didn’t get as much as was forecasted but that’s okay. I drove to one of my favorite spots in town; Campbell Park.

I haven’t “discovered” very many places yet but this is one of the first that I came across a few months ago. The last time I was there, we had a crisp blanket of snow but the ice wasn’t frozen over yet. It was probably one of my favorite photos that I had taken in quiet awhile. The sky was bright and blue, the water was shining. By clicking here, you’ll be able to see it on my other blog; A Working Title II.

I wanted to capture winter in Bemidji. We haven’t had much of a winter (not that I’m complaining) but there’s something about a winter scene that brings a sense of warmth and security. I’m calling this on “Nostalgia.”

Music Guru.

losing-your-marbles-colorfulrDriving on the interstate with the music to the max and the roads dry is one of the most relaxing moments in my hectic, stress filled life. If you ask me on any given day, I won’t be shy about how much I hate driving. But there’s a difference between driving in town and driving on the open road. I dislike just about everything about my daily commute. I drive twice as much as I need to for reasons that I don’t really want to go into detail about and I’m just so impatient that I turn into a wild mess when getting around town.

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However, when you throw me on the interstate, I’m good to go. I could drive on it for hours and hours provided that I have a good set list on my iPod, no¬†construction, and the left lane is free. Fill my tank and I’ll put the pedal to the metal.

I visited my brother Nick in Fargo on Saturday. My trip was short which makes me sad but we always make a point to do some driving around town and he updates me on his current play list. He’s my music guru. Heck, he’s probably the influence for 99% of the music I’ve ever listened too. We took a stroll downtown and he showed me around to a couple places his roommate and him have gone. We browsed around in a pretty sweet antique store and reminisced about the “antiques” from the late 80’s and early 90’s. It’s crazy to see that the stuff we played with, in what only seems like a couple years, is nearly two decades old. Man, we’re getting up there!