Sometimes.

Some days go by so fast that I’m not ready for them to be over. Some weeks I have more things to do, more plans, more people than I know what to do with. Sometimes I wonder when the last time I had a night or two of nothing to give myself a minute to breathe. Some nights I don’t even remember what it was like to be with someone because my days and nights and mornings are filled with pleasant distractions.

And then some nights.. I feel like I’m the only one in this world that is alone. The only one that doesn’t have a person. No one to turn to, no one to have lunch or dinner with, no one to go to an event with or to seek advice from. No one to share my successes or shortcomings with; or selflessly love me regardless of the comment that comes out of my mouth next. No one is there to send stupid memes to or literally chill while watching Netflix. No one is around to be on my side always, to love me forever, to know me better than I know myself, to get me the way I get them. I feel so much for so many people all of the time but I’m afraid no one in this world will ever feel ‘so much’ for me.

And if you’re asking, the answer is no, I don’t miss him anymore. Each month that passes, my eyes are more open to the red flags that lingered around far too long. But I do miss the companionship, the personal cheerleader, the presence of another human. I miss knowing that I could say and feel and act however I wanted and I wouldn’t be looked at the way a stranger would look at me. I wouldn’t be judged or questioned or ridiculed the way a friend or family member would judge or question or ridicule me. I miss knowing that I had a person. A non-perfect in nearly every way, but a person nonetheless.

The emptiness and void doesn’t seem to go away. Perhaps it’s masked by all the “stuff” I have going on in the spurts of too busy to think but when the slow times come; when nothing is happening and no one is around.. it hurts. All of it, everything.. hurts. The feeling of standing still while everyone else, everything else is moving on.. it’s so real and it feels as if there’s all this noise around but eerily silent at the same time.

Some days I say goodbye to everyone at work come 5:00 and don’t say another word until ‘good mornings’ 15 hours later. Some weeks I wish people would do what I wanted to do or say what I needed to hear instead of it always being the other way around. Sometimes my tears are too big and the room is too dark. Some nights I wonder if I’ll ever feel better.


About This Post: For so long I’ve been writing in a personal draft without publishing anything. It’s nearly 20 pages long. Full of ramblings and sadness; memories that are good, bouts of depression from both sides.. Moments I knew it should’ve been over, doubts I had never said aloud. From day one, I’ve had so much to say but didn’t dare say it thinking if I at least get it down and out, I’ll feel better. Similar to the concept of writing something down and burning it forever. It doesn’t work. I didn’t want to hurt anyone or damage anything by writing it out on a blog that I’m sure no one reads. But the more that time passes, the only person I’m damaging at this point by keeping all of it in, is myself. Thank you for reading. More to come, probably.

Vagabond by MisterWives

Everything is fine but nothing is okay. I’m filled and surrounded by love yet alone all at the same time. It doesn’t make sense. C’est la vie, I guess. Anyway; this is on repeat. One of my favorite songs as of late and it’s cool because it’s relatable regardless of your current mood, situation, or the weather outside. Enjoy.

Nostalgia.

10891799_10152947100593363_8204990569162125994_nI should have left the house sooner than I did today. The snow was fresh and fallen. We didn’t get as much as was forecasted but that’s okay. I drove to one of my favorite spots in town; Campbell Park.

I haven’t “discovered” very many places yet but this is one of the first that I came across a few months ago. The last time I was there, we had a crisp blanket of snow but the ice wasn’t frozen over yet. It was probably one of my favorite photos that I had taken in quiet awhile. The sky was bright and blue, the water was shining. By clicking here, you’ll be able to see it on my other blog; A Working Title II.

I wanted to capture winter in Bemidji. We haven’t had much of a winter (not that I’m complaining) but there’s something about a winter scene that brings a sense of warmth and security. I’m calling this on “Nostalgia.”

Music Guru.

losing-your-marbles-colorfulrDriving on the interstate with the music to the max and the roads dry is one of the most relaxing moments in my hectic, stress filled life. If you ask me on any given day, I won’t be shy about how much I hate driving. But there’s a difference between driving in town and driving on the open road. I dislike just about everything about my daily commute. I drive twice as much as I need to for reasons that I don’t really want to go into detail about and I’m just so impatient that I turn into a wild mess when getting around town.

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However, when you throw me on the interstate, I’m good to go. I could drive on it for hours and hours provided that I have a good set list on my iPod, no construction, and the left lane is free. Fill my tank and I’ll put the pedal to the metal.

I visited my brother Nick in Fargo on Saturday. My trip was short which makes me sad but we always make a point to do some driving around town and he updates me on his current play list. He’s my music guru. Heck, he’s probably the influence for 99% of the music I’ve ever listened too. We took a stroll downtown and he showed me around to a couple places his roommate and him have gone. We browsed around in a pretty sweet antique store and reminisced about the “antiques” from the late 80’s and early 90’s. It’s crazy to see that the stuff we played with, in what only seems like a couple years, is nearly two decades old. Man, we’re getting up there!