Anger Doesn’t Look Good On Me

I think my patience is wearing thin. Depending on the situation; I’m a pretty patient person. I think that my immediate family might disagree which is valid but in general; I’m very patient. Well, I used to be.

Lately, my patience has been worn thin. I get frustrated with people very easily. Maybe my “moron” radar is through the roof or something. I feel like I don’t have time to deal with assholes or dick weeds. I don’t give a shit about your perfect children or how you would do this or how you would do that. You’re not hilarious, clever, or nice. You’re a creep, a smothering moth, and a know-it-all that doesn’t quite know it all.

I used to be a window. I used to have the patience to deal with people who didn’t get it or varied in opinion to me. I used to have an open invite to challenge me. It would go in one ear and out the other. I’ve always understood that I might need to change my direction in order for others to understand or to validate my stance and I’ve always been able to adapt accordingly but lately, it hasn’t been so easy.

I’ve turned into a sponge and not in a good way. I hold on to everything certain people say and by the time I’m done just want to throat punch them to the ground. My patience is gone and it’s making the days more and more difficult to deal with.

And I should probably stop there. This is why I hate blogging but love writing. I’ve pondered pausing blogging in the writing sense for some time now. I don’t feel that I can truly express myself or say how I really feel without totally going overboard. I don’t know who’s reading this. On one hand, I want to reach the masses. I want others to know that I’m out here too. I know how you feel. I want to share my happy days and my throat punch days but I don’t want to risk my career or personal life by doing that. There’s no happy medium is there? Go big or go home?

Love God. Love People. Period.

I really really do try to see both sides of every story or situation but sometimes I can’t hold my tongue. Since the AMAZING history making announcement Friday, I’ve found myself defending more than celebrating the glorious news. The thing is, same-sex marriage at this point in my life, really, doesn’t effect me at all. I’m not gay. I don’t have gay siblings. I’m not super close invite-me-to-your-wedding close with any gay people that I know but I find myself having this need to defend an enormous and welcoming society of people. The same society I come from. A society that doesn’t even need defending because there shouldn’t have to be anything to defend but there is.

I’m often politically incorrect and I can have pretty skewed opinions but I’m sorry; I can’t wrap my head around the “Christians” who spew hate towards the [God-forbid] idea that two men or two woman or a transgender human BEING are allowed to marry one other. It makes me want to scream every time I scroll through my newsfeed and see the ignorance or the hate or the preaching Christian quoting bible verses.

Of course, I’m nosey. I can’t just ignore a post and keep scrolling. I really do want to “understand” the other side of the opinion. I can’t even tell you how many posts or videos or info-graphics I’ve viewed. I can’t deal. My mouth dropped when I started watching the video posted below. And this doesn’t include the post that went along with the sharing of the video. It doesn’t include the comments of the people I went to school with. The kids I attended Sunday school with. How can so many of us have been taught the same thing every Sunday and then in high school every Wednesday, feel and believe so differently? Nature verses nurture? Really? What the video below does include is how incredibly ignorant I am to not see that the world really can never be full of peace and love and happiness and acceptance.

Two gay, married women [or men] don’t contribute to society? Are you kidding me? They work just as hard if not harder than anyone else. They participate in community projects and fundraising efforts. Same-sex couples welcome and raise and love and cherish children in their lives every day. They are successful. They are moms and dads all rolled into one. Same-sex couples are college educated and pay their bills. They go on trips and I bet they’ve even sat next to your gay-hating butt at the airport. They don’t contribute to society? What kind of meth are you cooking? 

I don’t have the ability to hold my composure watching this video. This isn’t the worst one I’ve seen. It’s not the worst thing I’ve read. But I’ve had enough. There are clearly either multiples Gods in the universe or this is some kind of extreme pre-Revelations type test because “MY” God loves everyone. 

And if you’re not a Christian and you still have an “issue” with same-sex … anything. Why? Explain it to me. I’m mostly ranting about the Christian following because that’s where all the negative I’m seeing is coming from. I have a wide array of people on multiple social media platforms and the only disgust I’m seeing is from those with a firm and clearly pounded into Christian pavement belief complex. There are so many religions in this world. So many opinions. So many followers and believers. So much of everything. Do we have nothing in common? Is love and acceptance for everyone too much to ask for? Love God. Love People. Period.

C’est la vie.

I know when people talk about me. Although, I’d like to be one of those strong individuals that say they don’t give a shit what people say, I’m not one of them. I do give a shit. It’s weird. I can’t really explain it. You’ll hear that so and so thinks someone is talking about them but it’s all in their head. They’re just being silly. It’s like some kind of intuitive feeling. Like a disgusting knot that can’t be undone in the pit of my stomach. It’s the feeling you get when something bad is going to happen or when you lie and feel guilty about it. That feeling. That’s the feeling I get when I know. Call me silly if you must but if you don’t have that sense, than I guess you just can’t relate.

I never know what it’s about though. I’m not psychic or anything. It could be about anything. Maybe I was a bitch yesterday or why I’m so quiet today. It could be about my sloppy choice of clothes because I just didn’t give a fuck this morning. Maybe I smell because not giving a fuck in the morning clearly starts with no shower. Maybe I give off a bad vibe. Who knows.

Regardless, it’s frustrating. I’m no saint. I talk shit too. We all do. But when it’s you, it just seems to sting a little worse. Bummer, huh.

Next thought.

There are certain people who I want to say I “deal” with on a daily basis. Sometimes it’s just too much. It’s really a frustrating experience being one of a few people who actually “get it.” Who really understand what has to be done, how it has to be done, and when. And when you’re metaphorically forced to shift your day around a person that just simply is incapable of meeting your intellectual standards, it really fucking blows.

There are so many ill-noted things I could say right now that I just want to scream. I hate having such bitchy and catty thoughts in my head. I honestly consider myself a nice person. I care about the people in my life. I help where and when needed. I do my best when it comes to my job and my home-life. Yet, when people other than me are faced with the same situations and are either incapable of doing them just as good and just as correct or just as timely as me, than I form some kind of anger towards said person. There are times that I just want to grab people by their shoulders and shake them. Yelling at them over and over asking them if they are fucking retarded.

And if you’re going to have an issue with my use of retarded than you can shut this down right now. If you’re from America and you speak English, you should know by now that there are many words with multiples meanings. When I say that I’m a very anal person. You wouldn’t jump to thinking that I enjoy receiving anal would you? It means I’m anal-retentive.

The same goes with the words gay, retarded, and tear. In the case where I first mentioned the “R” word about a paragraph and a half ago, if you chose to set aside your sensitive feelings, you know I was referring to someone who is more than stupid. Someone that is more than dumb. I suppose I could have used such words as senseless or simple-minded but sometimes when you’re about ready to collapse in tears, you should be able to use the words that come to your mind.

I wasn’t, as some of you may be offended by, referring to a mentally handicapped person. Can we continue now?

What it comes down to is enough should be enough. If I had the authority and balls, I would make some changes that involve my day-to-day life. Granted I am making a few personal changes which feel great but there are aspects, as we all have day-to-day, that we are not in control of.

It’s funny really. It’s funny how people can get away with so much. How one person can commit a terrible crime and gets away with it while the victim gets tossed hand over foot through the legal system getting fucked in the ass by the state. It’s hilarious how people can get away with the bare minimum and slide through write-ups. Giggling away and thinking they are doing a good job when any blind person can see that in fact, they are not.

That’s life I guess. As unfair as it’ll always be.