Mental Progress.

The old me would have binge ate all day today. But the new me has easily stuck to the healthy food that I purposely brought to work to eat. I won’t go into any kind of detail about why but today was a very eventful and stressful day.

As you may or may not know, I made a very serious choice on June 7th and that choice was to get healthy or to die. I’ve been doing very well since then. A couple of bumps like with any choice to get healthy but I’m officially down 22.6 pounds and counting. I hope to hit 25 by my next weigh in.

Before choosing to fight my obesity, I’d eat. I’d eat when I was bored, I’d eat when I was watching TV and I’d eat when I was stressed from a busy day at work or a fight with my boyfriend. I’d eat because Taco Johns was on the way to the grocery store and I’d eat because someone brought food today at the office. My religion was food above all. Above everything.

And really, it still is. The only difference between then and now is that I can control it. When I’m stressed or bored or angry or nothing…I don’t think about eating. Don’t get me wrong, it still happens sometimes. Weekends are the toughest. But I’ve gained some self-control.

3 months ago if I had a morning like today, I would have went to Hardees for lunch and then stopped at Holiday before my break was over to get a pop and a candy bar. After the afternoon I’ve had, I would have hit up McDonald’s on the way home and stuff my face before getting out of the parking to have supper with my boyfriend an hour later. Which also involved eating out about 75% of the time.

So what am I going to do to deal with today’s stress levels? I’m going to go for a long walk tonight. I wish I could go now actually. My energy is pumping and I want to be moving. I want to sweat out the annoyances and responsibilities of the day rather than hold them in by giving my heart a reason to clock out once it hits a pool of grease.

I’m no where near perfect in my choices or my physique. Imagining my goal is too hard to do at this point because it’s so far away but after a day like today, I’ve really been able to see just how far I really have come. I don’t always see progress in the mirror or even on the scale but noticing progress of the mind is one of the best signs of a positive journey that I’ve gotten to experience this far.

I know you hear this all the time by anyone that’s ever lost weight in the history of fat people but seriously, if I can make serious progress..so can you. You’re worth it.

Impressions.

Impressions are everything. They give the people around an unspoken but open door to judge you by the way you’re acting. Or not acting. The more and more I observe impressions of others, the more I wonder what people see in my own impressions.

The obvious and most easy impression to understand is probably happiness. There’s definitely a difference between being content and happy but I’m talking about the full-blown happiness segment of a facial impression. Smiles, laughter, joy, glee. It’s all found on the face and it gives us all a pleasant and warm feeling deep in our guts.

On the other hand, I’m currently putting out into the world a quiet demeanor on this fine Friday which I happen to think is the most difficult impression to dissect. When someone is quiet there are so many different impressions that could be misconstrued when observing said individual.

Quiet could mean anything from being tired to being angry to sad. The list goes on. Unfortunately, I’ve noticed more times than not that when I personally am quiet, some assume that I’m purely pissed off.

Although that definitely isn’t something to rule out. My quietness today and most times when I’m quiet at work is because I’ve had enough and it’s just not worth dealing with. Sure I’m a little “pissy.” Why wouldn’t I be? It’s hard to thoroughly enjoy yourself in an environment where there is a difficult subject constantly in your bubble. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do. I enjoy being around most everyone in the office. However, when a mosquito bites you, that annoying itchy feeling doesn’t seem to go away for a long time.

So, back to impressions. Knowing that I’m being judged by my impression makes me want to try harder not to judge so many people by the impression that they put out into the world. Maybe they are quiet because they had a tough week or because their basement is flooded from a recent storm. Maybe they are quiet because they are just plain tired, being up with a newborn all night long. Maybe they haven’t gotten their morning coffee yet. Or maybe, they are just sick and tired of dealing with you.

I Need To Find My Zen.

The day is young and I can already tell it’s going to be a long one. A day where I will have to constantly hold my tongue to ensure that I don’t give someone a piece of my mind in their pity-seeking lives.

It started off optimistic. I hit snooze twice but you’ll be glad to hear that I did get up and stretch for about 15 minutes. I wouldn’t call it yoga because I don’t think that I have the patience for yoga but that 15 minutes is more than I’ve accomplished in quite some time. I will shoot for doing “more” tomorrow. And since it’s nice out today, I’d like to head to one of the area parks, camera in tow and see what I can find.

But that’s really as far as the positivity chose to shine in the little world of mine. We waited for 45 minutes before my significant others co-worker decided to show up and unlock the door. Yay me for putting on extra perfume and deodorant today. Gross.

We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. – Helen Keller

On my way to work some long stockinged (it’s a word today) cap hippy decided that he was superior and didn’t have to follow cross walk signs. Seriously, the “stocking cap” was literally down to his ankles. He looked like a fool. I had the green and he had the universal hand which in case your an imbecile pedestrian reading this – it means to stop. Check for traffic at the absolute minimum but nevertheless, stop. Thank God I didn’t run into him but his profanities and notorious middle finger were more annoying rather than anything. Really, fuck me? Fuck you for being illiterate.

And since then, there’s a situation that is unavoidable in my day to day that I just can’t stand. I don’t really care about this persons predicament at all which probably makes me an asshole but if you make my life more difficult than it really needs to be, chances are, I’m not a fan of yours. Suck it up, people have been through the same shit and they don’t seek pity twenty-four Goddamn seven.

zen21If my mom were sitting right next to me, she would tell me something along the lines of: “You are in charge of your own happiness. It’s your choice to be crabby today.” She’s right, like always. But man people sure make it difficult to brush off.

Here’s to the next 7 hours of sanity, positive thinking, and not letting other people’s problems phase me. How’s your day?

Happiness, like unhappiness, is a proactive choice. – Stephen Covey