Is It Too Late?

Noticing that there are a few people in my peripheral life that are getting engaged, planning weddings, and having babies..it’s gotten me thinking. Again. I came to a very very sad realization that I won’t have the same exciting joys that they have due in part to my social circle or lack there of.

Getting married involves bridesmaids which usually include best friends and sisters, stuff like that. Planning a bridal shower, bachelorette party, spa days, dress shopping, ect. Having a baby; same thing. Best girl friends, sisters, family, and so on. A maid of honor helps plan everything. It’s one of the happiest times of your life. Your closest friend or sister throws you a beautiful baby shower.

That’s where I fall short. I don’t have that. I just don’t. The last time I had a best girl friend was in 11th grade. And my last best friend (whom of which was male) was probably four years ago. I’ve unintentionally secluded myself from the public eye of friendshiphood. Now, every time I enter a social situation, I feel awkward.

I’ve always had a tough time finding my “spot” in social circles. My peak was between ages 16 and 20. I had friends galore and was open and fun and happy. Looking back, that time in my life quickly plateaued and continuously spiraled down. There are many reasons. One of the most prominent was the period of time where my friends and I were. We went separate ways after high school. Different interests lead us into different directions. Then in college, I didn’t make a point of making many friends during the day because I already had my group of friends from work, whom of which ultimately didn’t go to college but decided to be couch surfers and content with minimum wage jobs for the next 5 years. I wish I had known this ahead of time. I love them and I cherish the memories I had with them but those kinds of friendships quickly become dead ends.

I wanted more so I did more. I moved to different cities. I got better jobs. But in order to do that I left people behind and even though it’s more of an excuse than a reason…time passed. Memories faded. People moved on. For being the 21st century, it’s not as easy to keep in touch as one might imagine. There are so many people I know that still keep in touch with high school pals or college roommates. Friends from old jobs and places in time. But not me.

I have rarely “cut ties” due to disagreements or fights. I don’t really think I’ve ever “broken up” with a friend. Things just…changed. And that brings me to where I currently am. Socially awkward and unable to make friends, I guess. I talk to people daily. I laugh, joke around, have a good time but that doesn’t mean I fit in. In each setting I constantly feel like the goose out of the flock of ducks. I just don’t fit in.

The older I get (yes I know, I’m only 24 but seriously consider it) the harder it is to make new friendships. I don’t live the college lifestyle where you meet people everywhere you turn. I don’t live the bar lifestyle where you can meet someone at the door and party the night away. I don’t meet moms at the park because I don’t have children. I don’t go to coffee shops because coffee is gross. I go to work and I come home. I go to the grocery store once a week. My hobbies include reading and doing artsy craft projects – all of which don’t involve leaving the house.

I don’t mean to be an introverted shut in, I love people. I yearn for a deep meaningful friendship. I want to go to the store with a friend and just walk around. I want to have a girls weekend and a spa day. I want to be the first one someone calls when something amazing (or terrible) happens. I want that. But I don’t have it and I don’t know where or how to get it.

I know it’s probably pity sounding but it makes me sad. It really does. I won’t have that baby shower you dream about through Pinterst boards. I won’t know the fun and memories a bachelorette party entails. I won’t have someone to call. I won’t have someone to share my deepest darkest secrets with. I won’t be that person either. I won’t be the shoulder to cry on or the maid of honor. I won’t have that “bond” that everyone should have.

Is it too late?

Love You More.

Oh, hey. I’ve been out of commission for a while on vacation. I’ll update you with the details later. I haven’t even gotten a chance to go through my pictures yet. But since I’m here, I thought I’d open up the floor to a thought on my long way home yesterday. I should add a disclaimer so that everyone knows that I mean no offense because this may come off as one-sided.

Disclaimer: There is no scientific bias to my observation. It is just that, an observation based on people that I know. Some I know very well and some I don’t know much more than their last names. I also want to note that although I’m going to use examples, that doesn’t mean that I’m correct. We’re all wrong once in a while. Just hear me out.

So, on the way home, don’t ask me why or how this came about because I don’t have an answer for that…but I was thinking about relationships. Everything from romantic to platonic. It seems (in my observation) that one person in said relationship loves or cares more deeply for the mate than the other. This doesn’t go to say that both people aren’t in love or are “best friends.” I’ve just noticed that there are many examples, primarily based on how they interact with each other in public, that cares for the other more deeply.

Take my romantic relationship for example. I know my S.O. loves me more than he can probably put into words but from an outsider looking in, it seems to appear that I love and care for him more. Take my parents for another example. They’ve been married for close to 30 years, together for 33. They’re in it for the long run. Again, based on the actions of them, it may appear that my dad cares more deeply in that relationship. My youngest brother, he’s still a teenager and his girlfriend is just as young. I don’t know her well but based on their chemistry when in front of people, he’s completely hooked. He’d do absolutely anything. No matter what. Her on the other hand, I’m not too sure.

There’s a couple that I don’t know all that well but based on the little information that has come up in daily conversation; the woman’s actions, I would have to say without a doubt, that the husband is more devoted and loyal to his wife than if roles were reversed. Same goes for friendships. Just humor me and try this out (mentally of course). Pick three couples you know whether it be platonic or romantic. Who loves or cares for the other more? Based on what they put out into the world?

When I did this on my drive home 9 out of 10 times it was quite obvious who appeared to love the other more. At the same time, which is kind of humorous, I wonder if in reality roles are reversed. Although in my opinion, it seems that I love my boyfriend more by my actions, I know that he’d have a much tougher time without me than I him.

When friendships fall apart. One half is sometimes quite fine. It didn’t really phase them but the other may seek a reconnection over and over.

See what I mean? Have you tried it yet? As a reminder, this is purely an observation based on what we put out into the world. Based on our attitudes and our actions. Just because this is what I have observed doesn’t mean in any way that couples are incapable of loving each other the same. But we are all made up of different lives. Different experiences. Harder or easier moments. Less or more heartache and pain. There is no way to really judge the level percentage of love or care within a relationship.

I guess that’s why the saying “actions speak louder than words” exists.