Anger Doesn’t Look Good On Me

I think my patience is wearing thin. Depending on the situation; I’m a pretty patient person. I think that my immediate family might disagree which is valid but in general; I’m very patient. Well, I used to be.

Lately, my patience has been worn thin. I get frustrated with people very easily. Maybe my “moron” radar is through the roof or something. I feel like I don’t have time to deal with assholes or dick weeds. I don’t give a shit about your perfect children or how you would do this or how you would do that. You’re not hilarious, clever, or nice. You’re a creep, a smothering moth, and a know-it-all that doesn’t quite know it all.

I used to be a window. I used to have the patience to deal with people who didn’t get it or varied in opinion to me. I used to have an open invite to challenge me. It would go in one ear and out the other. I’ve always understood that I might need to change my direction in order for others to understand or to validate my stance and I’ve always been able to adapt accordingly but lately, it hasn’t been so easy.

I’ve turned into a sponge and not in a good way. I hold on to everything certain people say and by the time I’m done just want to throat punch them to the ground. My patience is gone and it’s making the days more and more difficult to deal with.

And I should probably stop there. This is why I hate blogging but love writing. I’ve pondered pausing blogging in the writing sense for some time now. I don’t feel that I can truly express myself or say how I really feel without totally going overboard. I don’t know who’s reading this. On one hand, I want to reach the masses. I want others to know that I’m out here too. I know how you feel. I want to share my happy days and my throat punch days but I don’t want to risk my career or personal life by doing that. There’s no happy medium is there? Go big or go home?

Love God. Love People. Period.

I really really do try to see both sides of every story or situation but sometimes I can’t hold my tongue. Since the AMAZING history making announcement Friday, I’ve found myself defending more than celebrating the glorious news. The thing is, same-sex marriage at this point in my life, really, doesn’t effect me at all. I’m not gay. I don’t have gay siblings. I’m not super close invite-me-to-your-wedding close with any gay people that I know but I find myself having this need to defend an enormous and welcoming society of people. The same society I come from. A society that doesn’t even need defending because there shouldn’t have to be anything to defend but there is.

I’m often politically incorrect and I can have pretty skewed opinions but I’m sorry; I can’t wrap my head around the “Christians” who spew hate towards the [God-forbid] idea that two men or two woman or a transgender human BEING are allowed to marry one other. It makes me want to scream every time I scroll through my newsfeed and see the ignorance or the hate or the preaching Christian quoting bible verses.

Of course, I’m nosey. I can’t just ignore a post and keep scrolling. I really do want to “understand” the other side of the opinion. I can’t even tell you how many posts or videos or info-graphics I’ve viewed. I can’t deal. My mouth dropped when I started watching the video posted below. And this doesn’t include the post that went along with the sharing of the video. It doesn’t include the comments of the people I went to school with. The kids I attended Sunday school with. How can so many of us have been taught the same thing every Sunday and then in high school every Wednesday, feel and believe so differently? Nature verses nurture? Really? What the video below does include is how incredibly ignorant I am to not see that the world really can never be full of peace and love and happiness and acceptance.

Two gay, married women [or men] don’t contribute to society? Are you kidding me? They work just as hard if not harder than anyone else. They participate in community projects and fundraising efforts. Same-sex couples welcome and raise and love and cherish children in their lives every day. They are successful. They are moms and dads all rolled into one. Same-sex couples are college educated and pay their bills. They go on trips and I bet they’ve even sat next to your gay-hating butt at the airport. They don’t contribute to society? What kind of meth are you cooking? 

I don’t have the ability to hold my composure watching this video. This isn’t the worst one I’ve seen. It’s not the worst thing I’ve read. But I’ve had enough. There are clearly either multiples Gods in the universe or this is some kind of extreme pre-Revelations type test because “MY” God loves everyone. 

And if you’re not a Christian and you still have an “issue” with same-sex … anything. Why? Explain it to me. I’m mostly ranting about the Christian following because that’s where all the negative I’m seeing is coming from. I have a wide array of people on multiple social media platforms and the only disgust I’m seeing is from those with a firm and clearly pounded into Christian pavement belief complex. There are so many religions in this world. So many opinions. So many followers and believers. So much of everything. Do we have nothing in common? Is love and acceptance for everyone too much to ask for? Love God. Love People. Period.

Vagabond by MisterWives

Everything is fine but nothing is okay. I’m filled and surrounded by love yet alone all at the same time. It doesn’t make sense. C’est la vie, I guess. Anyway; this is on repeat. One of my favorite songs as of late and it’s cool because it’s relatable regardless of your current mood, situation, or the weather outside. Enjoy.

Is It Too Late?

Noticing that there are a few people in my peripheral life that are getting engaged, planning weddings, and having babies..it’s gotten me thinking. Again. I came to a very very sad realization that I won’t have the same exciting joys that they have due in part to my social circle or lack there of.

Getting married involves bridesmaids which usually include best friends and sisters, stuff like that. Planning a bridal shower, bachelorette party, spa days, dress shopping, ect. Having a baby; same thing. Best girl friends, sisters, family, and so on. A maid of honor helps plan everything. It’s one of the happiest times of your life. Your closest friend or sister throws you a beautiful baby shower.

That’s where I fall short. I don’t have that. I just don’t. The last time I had a best girl friend was in 11th grade. And my last best friend (whom of which was male) was probably four years ago. I’ve unintentionally secluded myself from the public eye of friendshiphood. Now, every time I enter a social situation, I feel awkward.

I’ve always had a tough time finding my “spot” in social circles. My peak was between ages 16 and 20. I had friends galore and was open and fun and happy. Looking back, that time in my life quickly plateaued and continuously spiraled down. There are many reasons. One of the most prominent was the period of time where my friends and I were. We went separate ways after high school. Different interests lead us into different directions. Then in college, I didn’t make a point of making many friends during the day because I already had my group of friends from work, whom of which ultimately didn’t go to college but decided to be couch surfers and content with minimum wage jobs for the next 5 years. I wish I had known this ahead of time. I love them and I cherish the memories I had with them but those kinds of friendships quickly become dead ends.

I wanted more so I did more. I moved to different cities. I got better jobs. But in order to do that I left people behind and even though it’s more of an excuse than a reason…time passed. Memories faded. People moved on. For being the 21st century, it’s not as easy to keep in touch as one might imagine. There are so many people I know that still keep in touch with high school pals or college roommates. Friends from old jobs and places in time. But not me.

I have rarely “cut ties” due to disagreements or fights. I don’t really think I’ve ever “broken up” with a friend. Things just…changed. And that brings me to where I currently am. Socially awkward and unable to make friends, I guess. I talk to people daily. I laugh, joke around, have a good time but that doesn’t mean I fit in. In each setting I constantly feel like the goose out of the flock of ducks. I just don’t fit in.

The older I get (yes I know, I’m only 24 but seriously consider it) the harder it is to make new friendships. I don’t live the college lifestyle where you meet people everywhere you turn. I don’t live the bar lifestyle where you can meet someone at the door and party the night away. I don’t meet moms at the park because I don’t have children. I don’t go to coffee shops because coffee is gross. I go to work and I come home. I go to the grocery store once a week. My hobbies include reading and doing artsy craft projects – all of which don’t involve leaving the house.

I don’t mean to be an introverted shut in, I love people. I yearn for a deep meaningful friendship. I want to go to the store with a friend and just walk around. I want to have a girls weekend and a spa day. I want to be the first one someone calls when something amazing (or terrible) happens. I want that. But I don’t have it and I don’t know where or how to get it.

I know it’s probably pity sounding but it makes me sad. It really does. I won’t have that baby shower you dream about through Pinterst boards. I won’t know the fun and memories a bachelorette party entails. I won’t have someone to call. I won’t have someone to share my deepest darkest secrets with. I won’t be that person either. I won’t be the shoulder to cry on or the maid of honor. I won’t have that “bond” that everyone should have.

Is it too late?

Impressions.

Impressions are everything. They give the people around an unspoken but open door to judge you by the way you’re acting. Or not acting. The more and more I observe impressions of others, the more I wonder what people see in my own impressions.

The obvious and most easy impression to understand is probably happiness. There’s definitely a difference between being content and happy but I’m talking about the full-blown happiness segment of a facial impression. Smiles, laughter, joy, glee. It’s all found on the face and it gives us all a pleasant and warm feeling deep in our guts.

On the other hand, I’m currently putting out into the world a quiet demeanor on this fine Friday which I happen to think is the most difficult impression to dissect. When someone is quiet there are so many different impressions that could be misconstrued when observing said individual.

Quiet could mean anything from being tired to being angry to sad. The list goes on. Unfortunately, I’ve noticed more times than not that when I personally am quiet, some assume that I’m purely pissed off.

Although that definitely isn’t something to rule out. My quietness today and most times when I’m quiet at work is because I’ve had enough and it’s just not worth dealing with. Sure I’m a little “pissy.” Why wouldn’t I be? It’s hard to thoroughly enjoy yourself in an environment where there is a difficult subject constantly in your bubble. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do. I enjoy being around most everyone in the office. However, when a mosquito bites you, that annoying itchy feeling doesn’t seem to go away for a long time.

So, back to impressions. Knowing that I’m being judged by my impression makes me want to try harder not to judge so many people by the impression that they put out into the world. Maybe they are quiet because they had a tough week or because their basement is flooded from a recent storm. Maybe they are quiet because they are just plain tired, being up with a newborn all night long. Maybe they haven’t gotten their morning coffee yet. Or maybe, they are just sick and tired of dealing with you.

What Do You Do When Dreams Don’t Come True?

When is everything going to seem real? I’ve dreamt about getting married and starting a family of my own for as long as I can remember but it hasn’t happened to me yet. Everyone around me, old classmates, extended family, ect. – They are making and starting their own personal, self-contained lives. Starting futures with each other, raising babies, graduating with their masters degrees. But not me.

It’s funny because even though I “want” it so bad it seems like there’s a reason that my turn per se, hasn’t come around on the merry go round of life. It’s weird. I want to be a wife but what does a wife do that I don’t already do? I want to be a mom but I can’t picture a baby in my tummy or arms yet. I want to own a beautiful house with a giant yard and a big shaggy dog but I don’t see that dream as a reality financially. It’s like my dream life is just that; a dream. As if there’s no possibility of it being real because I can’t “feel” it happening.

When everyone else around me is planning their weddings, bachelorette parties, baby showers, and Caribbean cruises; I wonder what they are feeling. Do they feel like it isn’t real? Or was it just on their docket of life goals and they are checking them off?

In turn, I’ve also heard my whole life that..as much as you absolutely “want” something, it’ll never happen until you stop focusing on it. A woman wanting a baby, doesn’t get pregnant. It causes martial problems or divorce. She starts a new fresh life in a new city. She focuses on herself. She’s happy with the cards that she was dealt but then gets knocked up after a one night stand. And that once desired life dream is now an “oopsie.”

Obviously, that’s a drastic example but that’s how it feels to me. The people that I used to know or have many memories with lead totally different lives today. And although I have a wonderful job, loving boyfriend, and a semi-decent bank account – it still feels like I’m living the same life I was 10 years ago.

I’m nowhere near owning a house, let alone knowing which area I want to raise my future family in. The marriage wheel has been on a plateau for years and even though I want to go back to school, what the hell would I go for so that it financially pays off? That white-picket fence and children laughing while running through the sprinkler truly does feel like a dream. Just a dream.

So let me ask you, life-livers: When the big life moments do happen, does it feel real? Was your wedding the most special day of your life pre-children? Do you second guess the money it is going to cost you when you vacation out of country? Have you ever felt truly stuck or does life just magically happen to you?

Or am I the ugly duckling here? It’s as if I’m standing still, I’m the core. While the rest of the world is moving and evolving around me a million miles a minute.

Tired

I’m so tired of everything. I’m tired of trying to please everyone.  I’m tired of feeling guilty if I want to do something. I’m tired of being the collected and professional one. I’m tired of taking offense. I’m tired of being the only one who knows how to do anything. I’m tired of managing the bills. I’m tired of people not taking responsibility for their own actions. I’m tired of feeling like a shitty person because I don’t give a shit about certain things. I’m tired of dealing with it. I’m tired of it all. It’s sickening as fuck.