American Sniper.

I’m not very good at reviews in general so I hope that’s not what you’re expecting.

Tonight, we went to American Sniper staring Bradley Cooper. I’m assuming you’ve heard of it. I don’t have TV and I rarely read the news (which I probably should do more often) and even I’ve heard of it. I’ll leave it up to you to do the research if you still don’t know what its about. You can find a summary on it’s IMDb page here.

Ever since I was little, the war and/or the military in any way, shape, or form didn’t interest me. Most people remember exactly where they were on 9/11. I was in either 5th or 6th grade. I remember a teacher telling me that I needed to remember that day. The TV in the classroom was on. Why did I need to remember this day? Why were we watching TV when we should have been doing English? I’m sure I could do the math and figure out if I was in 5th or 6th but it wasn’t “important” to me at the time. And I’m still trying to figure out its significance in my life. I didn’t feel in danger. I didn’t feel sad or scared. No one bothered explaining it to me I guess and because of that, I suppose I never really put much thought or empathy towards something I had no interest in.

I’m sure I didn’t explain that very well and I’m sure patriots would cringe at my lack of American history but who cares. I’m not afraid to say that I don’t support the war. I don’t know why we needed to ‘get even.’ That’s what it is if you simple it down, isn’t it? Hell, we got more than even. We’ve killed so many more people than we needed to. And having to say “needed to” is disgusting. I’ll never understand why we went to war other than to get even. To prove to the world that we’re some kind of superpower. It’s not something that we should be proud of. I’ll never understand why men and women would choose to put themselves in the situation to be in a war. And quite frankly, I’m tired of hearing the “serving my country” speech.

Before you panic – I’m not anti-America. I love the country I live in. I have a basic understanding that because of our soldiers, we have the freedom we have. But do we really?

I would never, ever sacrifice my life or my sanity for a country. I know this isn’t true for everyone but there is no way of telling how you’re going to come out of the war. If you physically survive being in the military or war itself, the mental side effects that could haunt you for the rest of your life isn’t worth it to me.

Watching the re-enactment of Chris Kyle in American Sniper partially proves my point. American Sniper was a phenomenal movie. It was an eye opener for me. Coming from someone who doesn’t support nor understand why people enter the military at any rank – gave me a view through the eyes of someone who has experienced it. He, as I’m sure many many other men and woman have, put themselves at so much risk and danger. They put their country before their family. I’m sorry if it’s selfish but I could never do that and no matter how hard I try to empathize with those that have, I can’t.

I’ve wanted to write a post about this for so long and getting half way through it, I just can’t seem to say what I want to say. I want people to understand that I’m grateful for being born into a country of freedom. I understand that our ancestors worked their asses off to make this a country worth fighting for. I understand that our country is a target. But I will just never be able to understand why anyone would want to subject themselves to a life of murder and mental suicide.

Sadly, I know people who have only joined for the benefits which is a topic for another day. I also know a strong young woman who fought and survived only to come back with mental turmoil and eventually took her own life. I know a man who served his country only to come back to an empty home because his wife was tired of being second place to America. There are so many reasons people serve and I’ve tried to find appreciation for that but I just don’t know why anyone would do that to themselves out of their own free will.

I wish I could explain it better and honestly, I really do wish I could understand. There are tougher problems in our own country that we could use the man power to solve. I’m trying not to be totally ignorant here because I know that there are world-wide threats to our country and to our citizens. With the technology that we have and how quickly it’s advancing why isn’t our government and military capable of having “missions accomplished” with fewer men and women holding guns and killing people?

With that being said, even though I’m sure you are still cringing and may not fully believe what I’m going to say – I am grateful for the men and women out there like Chris Kyle. I’m grateful that you have more of an understanding for the foundation that our country stands on. I’m grateful for your sacrifice to your life and your families. I send my prayers and hope for your sake to God and anyone else out there listening that with the intelligence and power as a 1st world country, we won’t always have to use murder and violence to solve problems that don’t need to exist. Knowing there is so much hatred in the world is a topic that makes the universe so much more complex than I think was ever intended.

Mental Progress.

The old me would have binge ate all day today. But the new me has easily stuck to the healthy food that I purposely brought to work to eat. I won’t go into any kind of detail about why but today was a very eventful and stressful day.

As you may or may not know, I made a very serious choice on June 7th and that choice was to get healthy or to die. I’ve been doing very well since then. A couple of bumps like with any choice to get healthy but I’m officially down 22.6 pounds and counting. I hope to hit 25 by my next weigh in.

Before choosing to fight my obesity, I’d eat. I’d eat when I was bored, I’d eat when I was watching TV and I’d eat when I was stressed from a busy day at work or a fight with my boyfriend. I’d eat because Taco Johns was on the way to the grocery store and I’d eat because someone brought food today at the office. My religion was food above all. Above everything.

And really, it still is. The only difference between then and now is that I can control it. When I’m stressed or bored or angry or nothing…I don’t think about eating. Don’t get me wrong, it still happens sometimes. Weekends are the toughest. But I’ve gained some self-control.

3 months ago if I had a morning like today, I would have went to Hardees for lunch and then stopped at Holiday before my break was over to get a pop and a candy bar. After the afternoon I’ve had, I would have hit up McDonald’s on the way home and stuff my face before getting out of the parking to have supper with my boyfriend an hour later. Which also involved eating out about 75% of the time.

So what am I going to do to deal with today’s stress levels? I’m going to go for a long walk tonight. I wish I could go now actually. My energy is pumping and I want to be moving. I want to sweat out the annoyances and responsibilities of the day rather than hold them in by giving my heart a reason to clock out once it hits a pool of grease.

I’m no where near perfect in my choices or my physique. Imagining my goal is too hard to do at this point because it’s so far away but after a day like today, I’ve really been able to see just how far I really have come. I don’t always see progress in the mirror or even on the scale but noticing progress of the mind is one of the best signs of a positive journey that I’ve gotten to experience this far.

I know you hear this all the time by anyone that’s ever lost weight in the history of fat people but seriously, if I can make serious progress..so can you. You’re worth it.

25 Hours & 7 Minutes.

My patience is absolutely fried. I’m so overly excited to being doing something different next week that I can’t hardly stand it! And on the other hand, I can’t wait until I get back to normal because some things in my day-to-day life definitely need to be addressed pronto. Friday at 5:01 can’t come soon enough. Cheers to me!

I Need To Find My Zen.

The day is young and I can already tell it’s going to be a long one. A day where I will have to constantly hold my tongue to ensure that I don’t give someone a piece of my mind in their pity-seeking lives.

It started off optimistic. I hit snooze twice but you’ll be glad to hear that I did get up and stretch for about 15 minutes. I wouldn’t call it yoga because I don’t think that I have the patience for yoga but that 15 minutes is more than I’ve accomplished in quite some time. I will shoot for doing “more” tomorrow. And since it’s nice out today, I’d like to head to one of the area parks, camera in tow and see what I can find.

But that’s really as far as the positivity chose to shine in the little world of mine. We waited for 45 minutes before my significant others co-worker decided to show up and unlock the door. Yay me for putting on extra perfume and deodorant today. Gross.

We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. – Helen Keller

On my way to work some long stockinged (it’s a word today) cap hippy decided that he was superior and didn’t have to follow cross walk signs. Seriously, the “stocking cap” was literally down to his ankles. He looked like a fool. I had the green and he had the universal hand which in case your an imbecile pedestrian reading this – it means to stop. Check for traffic at the absolute minimum but nevertheless, stop. Thank God I didn’t run into him but his profanities and notorious middle finger were more annoying rather than anything. Really, fuck me? Fuck you for being illiterate.

And since then, there’s a situation that is unavoidable in my day to day that I just can’t stand. I don’t really care about this persons predicament at all which probably makes me an asshole but if you make my life more difficult than it really needs to be, chances are, I’m not a fan of yours. Suck it up, people have been through the same shit and they don’t seek pity twenty-four Goddamn seven.

zen21If my mom were sitting right next to me, she would tell me something along the lines of: “You are in charge of your own happiness. It’s your choice to be crabby today.” She’s right, like always. But man people sure make it difficult to brush off.

Here’s to the next 7 hours of sanity, positive thinking, and not letting other people’s problems phase me. How’s your day?

Happiness, like unhappiness, is a proactive choice. – Stephen Covey