House Hunting Happenings

Sorry that I’ve been a little MIA lately. I have a few posts that I have sitting in my drafts waiting for me to finish. They are the type that I feel need time and effort put into them and I just haven’t had that laying around lately!

We’ve started looking at houses in the Bemidji area. It’s not an easy task, I can tell you that much. I don’t know if we’ll ever feel that we have all the information that we need to own a house. It’s like this whole world of grown-up-ness that you have to jump into without knowing how to swim.

Millions of people do it, I’m sure we can handle it. It’s scary though; mortgage, escrow, down payment, house inspector, wood stove….the list goes on. My dad thinks I’m too picky, he’s probably right. For the first few weeks, if I saw a baseboard heating register or a wood stove – NEXT! And for (in my opinion) completely sane reasons. First, I do NOT want any critters, rodents, or snakes for heavens sake to come through a register. (Yes, it’s happened and yes to me.) And second, I’ll probably somehow blow my house up or set it on fire if I have to rely on an actual fire in my house. Thanks for that, mom.

I’m trying to keep an open mind though. I know that with regular maintenance and actually taking care of and knowing the house that you live in, horrible circumstances should be far and few in between. Channing and I are ready to own a home though. Apartment living got old the second we signed our first lease years ago. No privacy, no creativity. I’m tired of white walls and not being able to have a pet or a yard to lounge around in. I want something to call my own and I can “screw it up” any way that I want!

We’ve looked at a few the last couple weeks and they’ve been alright but nothing that makes us want to jump on it right away. We have time though. Our lease isn’t up until the end of October so if all goes according to plan we can figure something out by that time. Hopefully not too much sooner because we (being unestablished beings) couldn’t possibly afford a mortgage payment and rent. Right?

I downloaded a few realtor apps including one called Zillow. Whenever there is a new listing, I get a notification. 21st inventions are cool. Am I right? Anyway, check out this link and let me know what you think. When I saw it, I was like “perfect!” It was one of those “this is it” moments. We’ll be looking at it tomorrow and sometimes photos are deceiving but based on the provided information, it’s the closest to what we’re looking for in comparison to others we’ve researched that are in our budget.

Stay tuned..

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Time Does Not Pass, It Continues.

IMG_5033Sitting in the only comfortable chair and table combo in the history of Subway, downtown Grand Forks – I feel like writing. This is the perfect spot to bring a laptop, listen to Americas top 100, smell the fresh aroma that Subway is famous for, and just write. But I have nothing to write about.

I’ve been up to nothing new. Just work and usual day to day stuff. I’m still trying to push myself to the gym. I signed up last week and haven’t set foot inside. I went to the trouble of signing up and buying new gym shoes. I bought another shipment of Shakeology (still unopened) and a good set of vitamins. I’m ready, I’m geared up! Time to tie the shoes and hit the road. So what’s in the way? Me. It’s always me. I hold myself back.

IMG_5026On another more positive front, my brothers graduation cards are now ordered! I wish I could do this stuff for a living. Photography, editing, announcements, ect. Of course I cheated and used Shutterfly for the layout but if I had known how to properly use the correct software, I would have loved to try with an empty sheet and create my own thought up masterpiece.

It’s crazy to think that the youngest in our family of 5 is graduating in 52 short days. What does that even mean?

It means my mom has been done with diapers for nearly 16 years. It means my parents are old enough to be grandparents and everyone is able to drive. It means the art projects are old and tattered. It means the refrigerator picture magnets are full of 90’s hairstyles. My baby brother graduating high school means we’re all adults. It means I’m 24 and that he’s not really a baby anymore. It means another chapter is ending and 30 more are beginning.

“No matter how much time passes, no matter what takes place in the interim, there are some things we can never assign to oblivion, memories we can never rub away.” ― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

Its just a day in a month in a year in a decade. It’s a day that not everyone is fortunate enough to get to. It’s a struggle for some and a breeze for others. It’s truly a milestone. I can’t believe the kid who got a grass stain on his white blonde head is the same kid that’s going to be wearing that black square-shaped cap. The kid that broke his arm, had rods jabbed into it, let it heal, and then broke it again. The kid that I can’t stand but love to death. The “baby.” He’s graduating!

I still remember my first day of kindergarten and getting lost on my way, switching school buses. I remember throwing up on a girl named Mary and playing marbles on the track during recess. I remember making tunnels on the snow hills and Hawk Boy in Warroad. I remember getting out of school to sandbag for the flood and being the new kid in Newfolden. I remember it all like it was yesterday. Are we dreaming or does time really fly by that damn fast?

“There are those of us who learn to live completely in the moment. For such people the past vanishes and the future loses meaning. There is only the present, which means that two of the three Aalim¹ are surplus to requirements. And then there are those of us who are trapped in yesterdays, in the memory of a lost love, or a childhood home, or a dreadful crime. And some people live only for a better tomorrow; for them the past ceases to exist” ― Salman Rushdie

I guess I did have something to write about after all.


¹Aalim – u·le·ma or u·la·ma  (o̅o̅′lə-mä′) – pl.n. Ulama, also spelled ulema, refers to the educated class of Muslim legal scholars engaged in the several fields of Islamic studies and Polymath. They are well versed in legal fiqh and are considered the arbiters of sharia law, being Islamic lawyers.

The Seahawks Won.

I’m sitting in the living room filled with the hoo-rahs of the Super Bowl on the turned up sound bar. Channing’s been talking to the TV for hours and I have just surrounded myself in a little bubble. I typed up my previous post a couple days ago, edited it and posted it today. So this one might be a little off from the other. It is what it is though.

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Anyways, sitting here, semi-listening to what Channing’s been blabbing about in football speak for some reason is calming. He’s such a goof sometimes but he really does complete me. I know it sounds cheesy but until you find that in life you probably don’t have any idea what I mean. We sometimes drive each other nuts but it’d be difficult to imagine my life without him.

Last weekend, I summarized my week of events. This week nothing too exciting actually happened. I was busier than I usually am on the work front so most anything that I accomplished was talking about my future, our future, with each other. My other half has made some pretty big strides in the last seven days and has been offered a great opportunity. It’s still a work in progress but things are finally looking up for him after a long stressful two years of constant let downs.

Happy February everyone!

A Mini Auto-Bio.

lgoI finally updated my “About Me” section. Included is the below text. I wanted to share a brief synopsis of my life. I don’t have a sob story and my life hasn’t been full of whimsical travels or anything; but I do have one, a life that is. I have a story. And through this blog; I plan on bringing my story to life. Bring my perspective and my thoughts to the surface. I plan to find me and this is the preface:

I’ve decided to start this new blog for the year twenty fourteen. I haven’t really made up my mind on the exact purpose but I just knew that I needed a fresh start and a fresh outlook. I needed to reassess my life and the way I was perceived based on the lack of life that I put out into the world. I’m on the track to find myself through writing and through living.

I was born and raised in a dinky area near the Canadian border known to most as Roseau, Minnesota. Anyone from that area knows that you’re really not from Roseau; everything around there is pretty much known as the ‘surrounding area.’ For awhile we lived in Salol but finally settled in the country near Wannaska, enjoyed our winter sledding in nearby Malung.  Spent summers in Hockeytown, USA (Warroad) and went to school in Roseau. We were rivals with the Warriors and the Gators but knew everyone from here, there, and in between. 

Looking back, I really miss the shit out of that place. I miss the people, the friends, the freedom. I miss the happiness and the school. The teachers and the sporting events. I miss my grandparents and the restaurants. I miss the memories. I miss it all.

When I was in 9th grade, we migrated to an even smaller town (more like village) called Viking, Minnesota. The same surrounding area thing occurred here. We were a mile from “town,” school was 15 miles (or 8 minutes if you know how to drive on country roads) over in Newfolden. Most everyone who needed or wanted a job would circle over to Thief River or Karlstad which funny enough are in opposite directions. We’d go to the fair in Warren and party by Old Mill.

Reminiscing about my high school days aren’t as enjoyable as my Roseau life. I had a fine time. I made friends, got into trouble, and acquired my fair share of memories but I didn’t love it. I was and always will be the outsider, the new kid. My summers weren’t filled with friendships and no one called me or wanted to hang out with me first. I was usually a last resort. Switching schools mid-high school isn’t really something to brag about unless you plan to be an all-star athlete. Life long friendships had already formed and your lucky to squeeze yourself into a long lasting circle of confidants.

It’s the past though and it’s a period of life that I firmly believe helped form me into the person I’ve become. 

Since high school and actually during, I attended college in Thief River. Due to the uneducated staff and quality of academic standards in Marshall County Central; I really had no clue what I wanted to be when I “grew up” so I just opted for my A.A.

I sometimes bitterly wonder where I’d be in life if we had stayed in Roseau. The school was better, I excelled in all my classes, I was in a great group of friends, all of that. I don’t like to think about it often because than I instantly feel guilt. We moved because my mom had been making a long commute to and from work daily for years and it had taken a toll.

I don’t resent my parents for moving, how could I? I love them. They did what was best for our family structure. It just really blows that I have constantly had the “what-if” jingling in my ears for years.

Setting that aside, I met the love of my life the summer after high school. We’ve gone through rough patches where the pain and distress in our relationship was worse than an amusement park ride derailing. Thankfully, we’ve been one of the few couples that have fought and fought hard. There were many and I mean many times where we had no one to believe in us. Our families, in their own right, “knew” it wouldn’t last and quite frankly probably wanted it to end. Through the years we’ve lost friends and I myself pushed a lot of people away because of love.

In short, we made it. We pushed through the hurricanes, the tornados, and the tsunamis. I really am not sure where my family currently is on forgiveness and acceptance but it’s a process. There were moments that I am not proud of and there are moments that Channing wishes he could take back but the past is the past. It stays there for a reason. 

What really matters is what is deep in our hearts. We make each other laugh, we see each other through the toughest and the best of times. We care for each others lives and the people in them. We are stronger because of our past and we look forward to another 5 years 9 times over.

I want to one day be a mom of two sweet, healthy, little babies, live in the country in a beautiful home with hundreds of acres of land. I want to have two dogs and a cat. I want my children to go to a good school and be raised with love, morals, and respect. I want to dream. I want to write. And I want to travel.

That being said; those are really the key points involving the people in my life. I live for my [family] parents, brothers, and Channing. They are my world. I have many dreams and goals both personally and professionally. You’ll get a peek if you just bare with me.

To Do Or To Don’t.

I have three drafts in my bin waiting to be published but they are more or less (for lack of a better word) lame. I’m sure all the ones I’ve posted are border line uninteresting but I really don’t know what to say I guess. Honestly, I’ve been playing the “safe” card which probably is both on the bloggers do and don’t list depending on who you talk to.

I took this weekend to kind of reflect, if you could call it that. I don’t know what I’m doing really. I mean, do any of us? Are any of us ever satisfied? I feel like I’m in the same spot I was in three years ago only with a better paying job and a nicer apartment. I don’t have any idea what to do with my life. Is that unusual for a 24 year old woman? Maybe it’s social media rubbing everyone else’s lives in my faces and not giving me a chance to decide where I should be. Married, two babies, a big house, horses, lots of land, long gravel driveways, concerts, parties, promotions, masters degree…What am I doing?

I’m playing the pity party game, that’s what.

Part of this whole new blogging adventure is to find myself and to forgive myself. To deal with the decisions I’ve made and if I’m not happy; than to change them. Well how the hell are we supposed to do that? It’s impossible. Everything has a price tag. It’s not the price tag that is frightening it’s the amount on that price tag. It’s down right expensive to do anything. From traveling to buying a home to starting a family to going back to school, it’s fucking insane.

What did I do on this fine Sunday night? I watched six episodes of GIRLS and am downloading 24 years worth of CD’s onto my computer. Right on! Wrong.

I was talking to my brother yesterday about my blog and about how I didn’t know where to really go with it. His response was: Well it’s a blog isn’t it? Don’t you just write? Sure, but what do I write about? Do I write about my life or do I write about frilly happy things? The last time I was bluntly truthful, I received backlash from twelve different directions. I wasn’t always offensive but there were posts that may have been. They were opinionated and sometimes not always the popular opinion. They were personal and raw. Really real.  I had family, friends, friends of the family, random people, you name it; play telephone with my personal life like they were front and center. Now, I’m not having a total out bitch fest because I knowingly blogged to the world and it was open for everyone to see; it was just the fact that I shared pieces of me and the absolute ignorance of people that I actually know – fired at me as if I were Hitler. But as soon as all hell broke loose, I stopped writing about the truth and I candy coated everything. I couldn’t trust anyone with my life and I wasn’t happy.

The truth is, those posts are the ones I felt the best with afterwords. I felt like I was actually able to take the bottled up emotion out and put it to good use. It was freeing even if some people didn’t like it. And for me, looking back, it is a record of how far I’ve come. We often forget about the big things, that at the time, make or break us. They more often than not get pushed back into to small moments that we vaguely remember or usually even forget. But when it’s written down and re-read years later, it’s still pure and alive.

So I guess before we say “enough about that” I’m really just at a cross roads. Should I use my blog as a creative outlet about my life? Not that’s it’s overly exciting but that would provide me with the most obvious source of material. Or..do I pull snip-its from parts of my day here and there and end up with a mediocre (no one will take offense to) blog?

My first followers blog title is actually “A Good Blog Is Hard To Find.” Is that a sign that maybe I should just go for it?