My Motivation.

Don’t roll your eyes or anything but I’ve been thinking about joining a gym again. I don’t have any master plan other than a potential regular schedule in compared to my unorganized life that I’ve accepted over the last year and a half or so.

Since my other half will be starting his new job soon and we’ll still be carpooling; we’ll both have the opportunity to have a little more consistency than we are used to. The only “downfall” I foresee is that his starting time is 5:00 AM. Holy shit right? But instead of taking that as a negative; I’d like to pull a 360 and consider it a positive. It’s not like I’ll have the option to sleep in since we share a vehicle. I’ll already have to be up and driven across town before the sun is up. By the time I get home; I can’t really see myself going back to bed for another hour. Once I’m up, I usually stay up so why not take advantage of it? We’ll probably be going to bed earlier considering the job change so it shouldn’t be difficult to make a routine of dropping him off, going to the gym, and starting my day. By the time work starts at 8; I would have gotten the “not so fun” stuff out of the way already and I probably would actually make time for breakfast.

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Camping In Warroad.

All that sounds like a wonderful idea but can I do it? Thanks to the go-getting motivating people that I’ve come across, I know that the answer is yes as long as you make a point to do it. Make a point to be motivated and go to the gym. Make a point of exercising and eating breakfast. I’ll call Anytime Fitness tomorrow and we’ll go from there. I already re-ordered my Shakelogy last week so that should be coming soon. I have a few things in the near future that if I think about them, can give me motivation:

My brothers graduation in May. For the 3rd time in 6 years have some extended family coming up. I’ll also be going to my old high school where I know I’ll see some people that I graduated with. I’m over half way to my 10 year reunion and don’t want to be the person that already went downhill and doesn’t have getting married or having kids to blame. I want to look good, damnit.

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The Brewster Clan.

Family vacation in June. We’ll be going on a camping vacation at the end of June with my family, aunts, uncles, and cousins. We’ll be swimming and walking, canoeing, and sunbathing. I don’t want to let how I feel about myself prevent me from enjoying my time. I want to be a part of the photographic memories and not just the person taking the pictures to avoid the other side of the camera. I want to feel fit so that I don’t get winded walking on trails.

 

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Our anniversary in July. We’ll be coming up on 6 years and even though I know my other half loves me no matter what; I do want him to have some beautiful arm candy on the celebration of 72 months. So often couples fall into a boring ol’ routine after being together for a long time and we never dress up or go out much anymore. One of the hidden reasons that I don’t actively offer fun nights out is because I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin.

School. I’ve been thinking about it as mentioned in a previous post and although I might gear myself more towards the online studies to begin with; I would like to attend night school and not that I have to look good for anyone; I still want to feel good about myself and look nice. I want to feel comfortable sitting next to anyone in class or choosing a partner for a project. I want to know that I can confidently walk up to someone and strike a conversation. This whole “no friends” thing is caused by me feeling like a gross giant next to anyone that I’m around so I pull the shy quiet card rather than the fun, talkative person that I know I’ve lost touch with.

So, it might not seem much but I’m going to use those to give me motivation. To help me drive the extra block to the gym and make my shake in the mornings. I’m going to use that to pack my lunch instead of grabbing McDonalds durning the noon hour. I’m going to do this and I’m going to do this right.

What gets you motivated? I would love to hear from someone that has been overweight and overcome it. How they found motivation or what clicked inside their heads to get them going? Although I appreciate and accept any and all motivating words; I often find it difficult to take advice from someone that had always been thin but wasn’t happy with the lack of muscle they had or something. It’s difficult for me to relate when they haven’t gone through the same pain and disappointment in myself that I have. So, are you out there? I’d love to hear from you!

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priORIties.

I like to think of myself as a list maker, an organizer. Just about every aspect of my life has a list of priorities that I hold to a very high standard. I couldn’t imagine not having priorities or lists or things to get done. It actually floors me at the obvious lack of organization in some people lives.

There hasn’t ever really been any point in my life where my priorities haven’t been in check. I’m the oldest of three kids, so I’ve always held myself at a standard of doing everything right. Every time I did do something wrong I was more obviously aware of it compared to others and felt guilty the entire time. I’ve always been overly organized and always ahead of schedule. Even in my first job and every one after that; I made sure I was 100% involved in what I was doing.

Sure, I was just like any other teenager or kid down the road and had some moments of weakness but overall I’ve always been more responsible and acted older than I actually am, which for argumentative purposes isn’t always a compliment.

However, I don’t really know where to give my credit to. I have great parents and they raised me as well as I could have ever imagined but they never really drilled academics or extreme responsibility into my bones or anything. I felt like they were pretty fair overall. Not overly strict but did have limits. Maybe it’s just the way my brain is hard wired to be or maybe it’s because my grandma told me women can never be doctors only nurses. Who knows.

I do consider my priorities in life as an immense strength because throughout the years; I’ve been absolutely astonished at the laziness of people. I can’t believe the amount of people that downright refuse to learn and to grow both professionally and personally. That’s got to be a downright depressing way to live.

I don’t expect everyone to have as much of a perfectionist mindset as myself but I would assume that more people would be interested in increasing their brain power just a little before Alzheimer’s and dementia set in. I guess that’s what happens when we assume.

So which are you? Do you prefer to do things for yourself or rely on everyone else to get it done for you?

 

To Do Or To Don’t.

I have three drafts in my bin waiting to be published but they are more or less (for lack of a better word) lame. I’m sure all the ones I’ve posted are border line uninteresting but I really don’t know what to say I guess. Honestly, I’ve been playing the “safe” card which probably is both on the bloggers do and don’t list depending on who you talk to.

I took this weekend to kind of reflect, if you could call it that. I don’t know what I’m doing really. I mean, do any of us? Are any of us ever satisfied? I feel like I’m in the same spot I was in three years ago only with a better paying job and a nicer apartment. I don’t have any idea what to do with my life. Is that unusual for a 24 year old woman? Maybe it’s social media rubbing everyone else’s lives in my faces and not giving me a chance to decide where I should be. Married, two babies, a big house, horses, lots of land, long gravel driveways, concerts, parties, promotions, masters degree…What am I doing?

I’m playing the pity party game, that’s what.

Part of this whole new blogging adventure is to find myself and to forgive myself. To deal with the decisions I’ve made and if I’m not happy; than to change them. Well how the hell are we supposed to do that? It’s impossible. Everything has a price tag. It’s not the price tag that is frightening it’s the amount on that price tag. It’s down right expensive to do anything. From traveling to buying a home to starting a family to going back to school, it’s fucking insane.

What did I do on this fine Sunday night? I watched six episodes of GIRLS and am downloading 24 years worth of CD’s onto my computer. Right on! Wrong.

I was talking to my brother yesterday about my blog and about how I didn’t know where to really go with it. His response was: Well it’s a blog isn’t it? Don’t you just write? Sure, but what do I write about? Do I write about my life or do I write about frilly happy things? The last time I was bluntly truthful, I received backlash from twelve different directions. I wasn’t always offensive but there were posts that may have been. They were opinionated and sometimes not always the popular opinion. They were personal and raw. Really real.  I had family, friends, friends of the family, random people, you name it; play telephone with my personal life like they were front and center. Now, I’m not having a total out bitch fest because I knowingly blogged to the world and it was open for everyone to see; it was just the fact that I shared pieces of me and the absolute ignorance of people that I actually know – fired at me as if I were Hitler. But as soon as all hell broke loose, I stopped writing about the truth and I candy coated everything. I couldn’t trust anyone with my life and I wasn’t happy.

The truth is, those posts are the ones I felt the best with afterwords. I felt like I was actually able to take the bottled up emotion out and put it to good use. It was freeing even if some people didn’t like it. And for me, looking back, it is a record of how far I’ve come. We often forget about the big things, that at the time, make or break us. They more often than not get pushed back into to small moments that we vaguely remember or usually even forget. But when it’s written down and re-read years later, it’s still pure and alive.

So I guess before we say “enough about that” I’m really just at a cross roads. Should I use my blog as a creative outlet about my life? Not that’s it’s overly exciting but that would provide me with the most obvious source of material. Or..do I pull snip-its from parts of my day here and there and end up with a mediocre (no one will take offense to) blog?

My first followers blog title is actually “A Good Blog Is Hard To Find.” Is that a sign that maybe I should just go for it?