Ask us about Sam Sung..

Ahh, today we came home. A short trip but a wonderful assortment of memories that will last a lifetime. We visited the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame today. We were in a hurry before our flight so we didn’t take as much time as I’m sure is recommended but we came, we saw and we conquered. That’s what matters.

There are so many things I feel like I’ve left out. The airport and our nights on the town. The conversations we had and things we saw, the people we met. I’ll trust that my memory will hold onto those moments beyond the words that I haven’t typed. Right now, I’m exhausted but the good kind of exhausted, I suppose. I wanted to write because I haven’t written in so long. Going on trips makes me want to pick up my tablet and write everything I see. I miss writing.

I went on my first and second plane rides this week. I stayed in my first Airbnb. I saw so many beautiful things and have memories that will stay with me for years to come. I did all this with a wonderful, hilarious and kind human by my side. She puts up the toughest of fronts and she’d kill me if she ever reads this but I’m so grateful that she’s let me into her life and allows herself to let her guard down even if I have to pry it out of her. I don’t think she realizes how much this trip, this adventure, this friendship has meant to me. It’s so hard for me to let loose and relax but she makes me do it. Even though I tell myself that I have the spirit of a vagabond, I reluctantly have the mind of an organized spaz and it is so very difficult for me to stray from that.

So, if you’re reading this.. Tough as nails but secret softy, Alicia.. Thank you. Thank you for being my person this week and hopefully many more weeks to come. ❤ 

All of the things.

I definitely cannot hang. My idea of a vacation and Alicia’s idea of a vacation are so far apart, they aren’t even funny. She sleeps until she wakes up, takes her time getting ready and would be cool avoiding most of the touristy spots. I, on the other hand, want to be up as soon as the suns first ray hits our faces, check out the agenda and see everything we can possibly see.

Juggling our completely opposite narratives was an act for the circus today but we managed and succeeded. Schwing! We slept the entire morning away. Apparently staying out until 3:30/4:00 AM is not something I can do on the reg. No way, Jose. Anyway, what happens in Cleveland stays in Cleveland.

We eventually got our butts in gear and packed our day with all the things. We hit up The Melt which will cure even the worst of hangovers. The Melt was featured on Man vs. Food and Diners, Dives, and Drive-Ins. You definitely get what you pay for and that in itself is even an understatement.

After a late lunch, we rushed to The Christmas Story House and toured that little block of cinematic history. I wished I’d rewatched the movie before our trip to have a more vivid recollection but it was still pretty sweet to see. We met an uncle/nephew combo, Matt and Tyler. Again, Alicia and her ability to meet people is just so foreign to me. We ended up exchanging numbers and met up with the duo later in the evening for cocktails and swapped traveling stories.

After the CSH, we decided to explore downtown Cleveland and news to us, it’s so easy to get around (aside from the damn bus lanes and lights). We didn’t realize how close everything was. We had walked around a bit the night before but if we’d just gone one street over, we would have been in a totally other, really cool, area. Lightbulb moment for sure.

We found the Worlds Largest Chandelier, walked around East 4th Street, were bombarded by a mob of graduates and made a pit stop to view Lake Erie. I’m surprised how much we were able to see in just a few hours but that’s what you get when you have two determined women making it a point to see all of the things.

Today, we are basketball fans.

Today, tonight.. all of it was something! Well yesterday was. I’m typing as if it were yesterday but I was ¾ of the way in the bag by the time the clock struck midnight..

Sunday, May 21 marks my first flight! The entire flying experience is brand new to me. No matter how much research I did and how many people I asked, I never felt at ease or like I’d gotten all my questions answered. I’ve never been afraid to fly. On the contrary, I’ve always dreamt of when I’ll get to fly. It’s just never been an option in my life until this point. We didn’t travel growing up and I’d never been afforded the opportunity until now.

But guess what? It’s a damn breeze. I could spend 45 minutes talking about every single step from the time we were dropped off in the airport to the second we got in the Cleveland Uber but I’ll spare you for now. If you’ve never flown and you’d like someone to actually tell you step-by-step what to expect, hit me up. I’d be delighted.

I do want to say though that I was pleasantly surprised at how much of a breeze it was. Maybe it’s because my personal item was basically empty and I did my research but i didn’t encounter any issues like i hear on the news. And guess the eff what? Beyond the security line, there’s a whole other world. At least in MSP there is. It’s like a damn mall. Restaurants, stores, you name it. Alicia tells me it’s not like this everywhere but it’s still pretty sweet.

The only issue I had with the flight was I felt a bit light-headed. I can’t decide if it’s because I looked down and out the window too soon or if it was the altitude. Either way, it was so surreal in the best sense. I’m sure typing this I have a weird giddy smile thinking about my first flight but so what! Better late then never!

I want to shorten this up because I’ll ramble for days.. The descent/landing is the best part in my opinion as a first time flyer. I love the feeling of heading straight for the ground at 300 miles an hour. I can’t wait to ride a rollercoaster. For real though, I could do that part all day.

After we (finally) got our Uber and headed to our FIRST ever (for the both of us) Airbnb, we took a nap. Because we are old folks.. But eventually, we got ready to take on the Cleveland night. We hit up Fan Fest for the Cavaliers vs Celtics NBA finals until we were rained out. We had hoped to scope out some celebrities but to no avail.

We ended up grabbing dinner at Winking Lizard in downtown Cleveland and walked over the City Tap for the bulk of our evening. I kind of felt like our night had started off slow. I couldn’t get into the grove of relaxing for some reason. But it ended up being a really great night.

Alicia and I have a unique relationship. We bicker a lot. Fight, whatever you want to call it.. But it’s all in good fun. She means so much to me and I consider her one of my very best friends. Even though we drive each other mad, she gets me and I get her. I wouldn’t change our dysfunctional love hate relationship for anything and tonight I felt a lot closer to her. We were able to just hang out and talk freely without the stress of life or our relationships or work in the background.

Another thing about Alicia that I should have known about by now is that she can talk to ANYONE. If it weren’t for her, I’d probably have sat in the corner sipping my colorful drink all night. I don’t know where she gets the confidence or language to talk to just about anyone. I suppose that’s what you’d classify as liquid courage. We met some cool people tonight and we stayed out way too late and had way too much fun tonight. Is that such a thing?

I’ve been saying Monticello wrong this whole time..

Do you know how many times the two of us have told people where we are going and how many times we’ve received the same “wtf” look? And how many times we’ve had to explain “wtf” we’re doing? Tickets were cheap, the Airbnb was cheap, adventure! Honestly, the second we booked the flight, we both looked at each other with the same “wtf” look we’d been getting for the past month.

I was up bright and early this morning. Up to this point in my life, I’d only been on vacations with family and Channing. I’ve never gone on a girls trip or gone anywhere for that matter with a friend. Historically, I’ve never been good with friends. I’ve just never been able to connect. I blame my social awkwardness. But that’s another story for another time. Anyway, up bright and early. Guess who wasn’t? A to the licia.

There are a lot of things different about this trip so far and it hasn’t even began. I’m a spaz planner. I like to know what I’m doing, when I’m doing it, how I’m doing it. To the point where it’s obsessive. I’m talking Google Drive folders, spreadsheets, printed out reservations in a tidy trip labeled binder.. that kind of spaz. With the exception of a condensed spreadsheet THAT I FORGOT IN MY CAR, I was plan-less.

The. Struggle.

We eventually hit the road and went to IKEA like every basic bitch would. I pulled a classic Ori.. filled my cart up to the brim and slowly but surely narrowed it down to six items. The cheapest of all the items of course. Whereas my shopaholic travel-mate, Alicia kept her load high and dry from the aisles stuffed with left behinds. Oh, I envy her ability to shop. It’s a problem that I need to deal with. Shop, damnit. Shop!

We were grateful enough to have landed a sweet place to stay thanks to Alicia’s college connections in life. We had dinner reservations at an italian place with her former roommate and they graciously let us crash the night in their beautiful suburbia home with a bombass deck. We didn’t sleep on the deck but we probs could have. It was cool. Tomorrow I fly!

Cleveland Rocks!

Long time, no type. I’m fairly certain I’ve written that exact phrase before. What I’m about to write and the few posts following are a chronicled summary of the last few days. I didn’t have time (or energy) to write about my recent trip in real time so I’m pulling from the few notes I left myself. YES, I have a list of talking points in my list of lists..

About a month ago (maybe more), I was going through a weird mid-20’s thing. It wasn’t a crisis, probably more of a “damnit, I want to live more” type of a thing. After a lunch hour of complaining about everything, the men in our lives and thinking about life, my friend and co-worker sent me a chat asking if I wanted to go to Cleveland or Cincinnati. The flight was only $40 a seat each way..

Hold the door. YES! And the rest, as they say, is history.

 

Is it weird that I’m re-gauging my ears at age 26? Whatever, don’t answer that.

I feel like my life kind of stopped sometime around age 20 & I fell into a rabbit hole not quite as awesome as Alice. I became a secluded social hobbit.

But about a year ago this time, I decided to start doing what I want with my life. I know that seems annoyingly cliché but I don’t know how else to describe it. Before then, no one was holding me back other than myself. I think a lot of people thought Channing was holding me back for years and they weren’t totally wrong I guess. But as me, who’s been through the 20-something life I’ve had, it was more me molding into his interests or disinterests when I should have been continuing to be my own person.

He never restricted anything in my life. Ever. He actually has always encouraged me to do whatever I want but for some reason I stalled out and was stuck in thin air. Stuck in my 20’s unable to move. Thinking I always needed to be right there, always available, revolve my life around him and only him. I was wrong.. and dumb.

Now, at age 26, I’m no longer naive about the situation I was in. A lot of the things that happened in our early relationship were inexcusable. I admit that a large part of me was probably too insecure to leave. Too scared of what might happen to him or that I may never find anyone again. Mostly because of my weight. For years, I don’t know if my love for him was the same as his for me. I doubt it. I chose to live a miserable few years, that’s true. I had a good support system and could have paved another path for my early 20’s but I didn’t. Ultimately, I chose not to. And I’m cool with that.

Two, three years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to say that. Say that I’m okay with how life is turning out. Up until relatively recently, I had always wondered all of the what-ifs. What if I stayed gone when my mom and brother moved me out? What if I continued on to a 4-year college after Northland? What if I moved far far away? What if I never would have met him that day at the fair?

I didn’t have any kind of epiphany. I just realized that I’m tired of worrying about it. I can’t change it. Anything that I didn’t do or felt like I couldn’t do at the time, I can do now. Just because my early 20’s are gone and I don’t have hardly any good memories or stories to tell doesn’t mean that my life is over. I’m 26 for God’s sake. Twenty fucking six!

So earlier, I said my way of thinking all changed about a year ago. Nothing crazy happened, I was just like “I’m going to do what I want” whether it’s by myself or not. I’m going to go to the store, I’m going to go for a walk, I’m going to look for a better city to live in. I’m going to travel and laugh and not apologize.

I didn’t go on some newly 21-year old crazy streak. I sought out a better future for us. We moved to Fargo, I was able to transfer within my company and turns out I’m now in a pretty awesome place professionally and financially. I’m doing something I like. We got a cat kid named Franklin. I traveled some of the Great Lakes blue with my mommy dearest. Don’t worry mom, I won’t say “mommy” again. Ugh, that word. I remember going to a grocery story one time, years ago and this teenager said “mommy.” Pretty sure I gagged. Rant over.

But you know what? Everyone survived. Channing came with me and supported me without a struggle. After years of being so reserved when it came to my relationship, scared to disagree or say something wrong; I was worried about nothing. Over the last year and even more, Channing has more than willingly made sacrifices to help me do or get what I want. He’s never even tried to veto me on them. He supports me.

Four or five years ago, this was a different story. For whatever reason, the Universe had some kind of pull to make everything fall into place the way it has. 20-15 was a good year for us, for me. And this year is going to be even better. Funny how much truth there is to the phrase “You’re the only one that can hold you back.”

Year 2: The Hub, Boston.

Well! I’m so excited to finally say this…we’re going to Boston! I think we’re about 89% certain that it’s this year’s destination. Last year, my mom and I embarked on our inaugural mother-daughter vacation. We drove down to Madison and Chicago and then back up and around through Holland, Mackinaw City, Ashland, and Duluth.

It was so much fun and such an amazing experience. Not only did I get to spend quality time with my mom but we did things that neither of us had ever done. And most importantly, we started our journey of traveling. A dream we’ve both dreamt of for so long.

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Why Boston?
Well, we decided that now’s a better time than never to fly on an airplane. Something neither of us have ever done. My two reservations for never traveling via flight are my physical size and not knowing the process. One of which is probably a dumb reason. I feel like there are so many restrictions when flying and I never really have all the answers. I’m a super-planner. I need to know everything and when it’s not readily available, I have a mini-panic attack. What can we pack? What can’t we? Is luggage extra? What’s a carry-on? How much is that? What if I don’t fit in the seat? Do I have to buy two seats? What if the seat belt extender still isn’t big enough? Can I have a nail-clipper in my purse? What if my luggage is lost? Ect. Ridiculous, I know. But I’ve never been anywhere. Seriously.

Although last years trip was so worth while and totally amazing, we did do a lot of driving. Like 1800+ miles of driving. We’d be totally up for another long drive but we have been playing around with flying for awhile. It may cost more, transportation wise, but we wouldn’t have to be in a vehicle not experiencing the world for such a long duration.

After asking a few friends questions, doing a little research, and calling a couple of airlines – we decided amongst advice from our peers that a nonstop flight would be best for newbies like us. Fargo and Grand Forks don’t have a lot of destinations to choose from for a summer trip and we really want to go big or go home. So, why not look at MSP? There are a handful of nonstop destinations departing from MSP. One of the reasons we decided on Boston is because realistically, we know our spouses have no desire to ever tour the east coast/New England area. (Yet anyway.)

“Tomorrow’s life is too late. Live today.” -Marcus Valerius Martialis

So, we’re in the very early stages of planning this trip. We’re going to head east early to mid August of this year. Tourist information and travel brochures have been ordered! I’ve reached out to a few more people asking about their experience on sites like Expedia and Trivago. To anyone reading this that has been to Boston and the surrounding area, I’d love to hear what the best things to do are. The must-see’s, the go-to’s. Best modes of transportation, coolest unknowns. Are you overweight? We’d love to hear what your take on sizes, seats, seat belts are when flying. To anyone, what has your experience been with airfare and hotel packages on popular travel sites?

Thank you for reading and I can’t wait to start yet another year of sightseeing and living out my dreams!

To read about our 2015 trip, click here!

I’m 26 Now, You Know

This is about a month delayed but it’s actually given me a hot minute to reflect. In case you couldn’t tell, the theme as of late is reflection.

I’ve officially entered the scary pre-midlife crisis of the late-20’s. Welp! A crossroads where excuses of immaturity aren’t accepted anymore and you are either married with kids or still chasing your hangovers at the bar every night.

I am neither.

I’m happily chillin’ with my cat Frank by my side, boyfriend watching the History Channel in the other room and the dishwasher just clicked off. Silence. I’m a homebody that looks forward to PJ’s and TV at the end of a day.

I’ve felt “stuck” for quite some time. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. I think that I (we) have just been chasing so many meaningless things for so long that life passed by quicker than we expected.

At 26, I don’t have anything to show for my life. Really. In a non-pity party matter of speaking. I don’t have anything. I haven’t traveled the ocean blue. Well, except for my first big trip ever this year but that’s all part of what this next year will bring. I don’t have a family of my own yet or a ring on my finger. I don’t have a home or new furniture. I don’t have the successful weightloss story I thought I’d have by now. My job is just fine but it’s not what I’d always dreamt about.

But this is different than posts past. Remember, it’s about reflection. I’m content where I am. Too many years too late maybe, but I’ve finally accepted the past and the present. I’m okay with where my life is at. My health is something that I’ll have to continually work towards. Babies will come when it’s their and our time. A proposal will come when it’s right. Jobs, income, finances, homes, they’ll sort themselves out and I’m finally okay with it.

I didn’t have a light bulb moment. I was just tired of dwelling on the past. Thinking of all these “mistakes” I’d made in my short adult life. Going to college instead of making memories with my senior class, putting up with Channing’s shit, ditching friends, moving and moving and moving again, quitting and accepting jobs. For so long, I wondered “what if?” And honestly, I always will. I’m always going to be wondering “what if” but I’ve come to terms with the paths I’ve taken.

If everything hadn’t happened exactly as it had over the course of the last 26 years, I might not be as close as I am with my mom. I might not know a love as deep as the one I have. I might not be as accomplished as I am in my position at work or heck, I might not have developed the work ethic that I have. If the negatives that I worry about so much hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be who I am.

Who am I? I’m bright and thoughtful. I listen and I care. I am trustworthy and opinionated. I’m a realist and a tweeting millennial. I’m not interested in going out or having tons of friends. I know that I’m smarter than half the people that spent $35K on college. I’m a cat mom, a paperback book reader, a board game lover and a Minnesotan North Dakotan. I’m me and I’m okay with that.

I know that all of the things I want in my life will happen. The worst part about being the kind of person that makes a plan to make a plan is not being able to make a plan for life. Life happens the way it wants to happen, you can’t force it.

My Life In Segments: The Last 7 Years

I don’t know what it is, maybe it was turning another year older but lately I’ve been reflecting on the last 7 years. I dwell a lot on the past and I’ve never really put it down on paper. I’m hoping that this will help me move on from things that have been holding me down. Accept the paths I’ve gone down and focus on the present and future rather than on things that I cannot change.

So, why the last 7 years? Well, it seems like I break my life up into segments. I think everyone does. Within each segment are more segments but the biggest segments from my life starting with the earliest are as follows:

Kindergarten: For some reason I don’t have memories from before Kindergarten. I remember getting in trouble kissing a boy and I remember reading time in Mrs. Guy’s class. Kindergarten through early elementary is the first segment of my life.

4th – 6th Grade: I’d been teased starting in 2nd grade. Well, that’s the first time I remember anyway. Grades 4-6 were the worst. Those were the years I faced the biggest, meanest assholes of my entire life. Those are the people who I’ve honestly never forgiven and it’s the part of me that I hate the most because every time I see them on FB or in person, I want to see their faces smashed into the cement. Even after all these years, I can’t get over it.

7th – 9th Grade: These were some of the best years with some of the best people I’d ever known.

9th Grade: I moved. This was hard for many reasons and 10th grade is a blur.

11th – 12th Grade: 11th was probably the best year of my life. Honestly. I know that sounds lame. High school? I had great friends, I met so many people, I had so much fun and did so many things. I loved it and I loved me. 12th grade, I enrolled in college so I was at NCTC instead of H.S. with my classmates. It was different but it was okay. I have regrets about my choice but at the same time, I had a lot of fun and met new people.

7/11/2008: The day I met Channing. This is the last big segment so far. I don’t think I’ll have another segment until I have a child.


With all that being said..back to reflection on the last 7 years. I’ve never fully reflected on this before but I think it’s time. Like I said, there are a lot of mini-segments in between and there isn’t enough room in the internet for me to write down everything that I’m thinking. This is an overview, I think. Here it goes..

My relationship has defined my entire adult life. Because of the choices I made and the paths I’ve taken, I’m not who I thought I’d ever be or where I thought I’d ever be.

Before I met Channing, I loved the world. I had dreams and aspirations to travel, to get out of here. I didn’t know what I was doing or what I was going to do next. I didn’t know if I was going to continue school or what I wanted to be when I grew up but I was open and outgoing. I was carefree and had friends.

But it all ended within a couple of years after our relationship began. This is going to sound like a song cliché but I’m a lover. I’m a lover and a forgiver. I’m not a fighter and I’m not mean. When I entered our relationship, my heart was wide open. I loved harder and deeper than I’ll ever love again. I loved him more ignorantly and careless as I am even capable of loving him or anyone else now.

Thinking about it, a lot of the pain that cycloned in our relationship was due to his depression and upbringing mixed with my insistence on making him better. Over the course of 4 years, he broke my heart. Slow enough for me to stay but fast enough that I couldn’t leave.

But, eventually I did. Honestly, I didn’t have a choice. My mom and brother moved me out. I was an emotional wreck leading up to and after that day and didn’t understand what was happening in my life. I was broken. Looking back at it over the years, it was the best thing that ever happened in our relationship.

After a few months of back and forth, we did get back together. I don’t know if we ever really broke up but we were back together. Things had changed, he had changed. It wasn’t easy, it’s never been easy. But once we got back together, parts of the old him were gone which was good. If the old him would have stayed, there would be no us.

That was a little over 3 years ago now. The year and a half following us getting back together was heart-crushingly painful for him. There were some things that happened during the lowest moments of his life that were irreversible.

We celebrated 7 years together in July of this year. Each year has gotten better. We love each other on a mutual standing. We listen and communicate, we argue, we cry and we laugh. Our life together isn’t toxic like it once was and I am proud of that but because of the last 7 years, my life and outlook on life has changed.

I know it would have changed regardless but I can’t help but wonder who I would have been if I wouldn’t have met him at the fair that day. Would my heart have been hurt so badly? Would I have ever grown a backbone? How would I view the world? Would I have loved so deeply and fought so hard? Would I have found someone else, gotten married, had children, and bought a house?

I think that’s why I always ask those questions because my life was so planned out before I met him and for so long, I put him 100% before myself. I love Channing. Looking at everything that has happened good and bad; I’m glad that he was the constant in my life. I’m glad that I’m not damaged goods and had to go through all these ups, downs, and starting overs with someone else. I’m glad that all of the memories from the last 7 years have him in them and we can walk down memory lane together.

We have a rare story. Most people would have stayed gone. Most people would have left long before. Most people wouldn’t have and honestly, shouldn’t have fought for “love.” But for some reason we did and it was worth it.

I guess I don’t know how to say what I intended on saying in this post. I want to clarify for anyone other than my mom reading this. (Because she knows most of the story.) The turmoil and stress and life we lived then wasn’t and didn’t have to do with physical abuse. I fully believe that it takes two to tango but I think a lot of our early years together had to do with me wanting to help him. To fix him. To make him feel loved when he didn’t want it. I fought so long because I could see what he was capable of being. I could see that he was a great person, a great man, a great companion. He just couldn’t see it himself. He endured a different life than I had. A life that, in my opinion, didn’t always have open and loving arms like I was raised with. Again, he never hurt me but mentally, emotionally, my heart was taped together for a long long time.

My mom has always made comment that you can’t fix a person. She’s been saying this long before I even knew what love is. I think I was in denial that this is what I was trying to do for so long but she was absolutely right. The only reason, I think, that we are okay, that we moved on, that we are together, that Channing is a great man today is because he wanted to change himself. He wanted a better future than past and he was willing to allow himself that gift.

I’ve wanted to log this down for a long time but never knew how. Re-reading through it, I didn’t get to say what I wanted to say because I don’t have words for it. The last 7 years were sad and I pray that my future children never have to put up with what I did. I forced myself to be stronger than I knew I was capable of and allowed myself to be unloved as a side effect. Even with that being said, I’m so thankful and grateful for who I have as my partner and in my future. Channing is the worst and greatest thing that has ever happened to me. And I, of course, am the best thing that ever happened to him. 🙂

I’m sure you’re not, but if you are, I love you and am very proud of who you have become as a man, as a partner, as an uncle. You are capable of moving mountains, your dreams matter, and I am so happy to know that you will be by my side no matter what the next path or curve or day brings.

It’s been 36 days..

Woah? It’s been a quick minute, huh? The last time I made my way to posting something was …. October 28th. Really? It’s December now. Where’d the best month of the year go?

A lot has happened. Well actually, not really. I live a blandish life so nothing really has happened. More of a reflection on things has happened if that makes sense. For the first time in seriously 2 or 3 months, I have no plans this weekend and it’s staying that way. I plan to catch up on my favorite TV shows, pick up a book, and get in some good ol’ fashioned writing. I do have to make 11 dozen cookies for a goodie exchange that I shouldn’t have agreed to but I shouldn’t have to leave my apartment all weekend. I’m. Staying. Put.

Some stuff that has gone down over the last 36 days are listed below. I have a few things up my sleeve that I’ll save for another post sometime over the weekend..

KevinBirthday
I turned 26 on the 9th of November. Welp! Have a I really entered my late-20’s? I’m not ready for this. I’ll dive into some 26 and the year to come stuff in another post but my birthday was okay. I took the day off from work to do some adult things like grocery shopping, scoping out Christmas gifts for my family, and hitting up the doctor for a checkup. 26 is going to be good.

New Job
Hold your horses. I’m still with the same company I’ve been with for the last few years but I switched positions again. A good again. I was stressed out and frustrated for a number of reasons in the position that I had held. Luckily, I was offered a great opportunity and accepted my newest position. Some ignorant folk think of it as a demotion but I think of it as a “I don’t have to be in your negative energy filled space anymore.” Win-win for me.

girltimeGirlTime Getaways
After my mom and I had attended this, I fully intended on writing a big long post about it but time has passed and now I don’t feel like it. Our experience with GirlTime Getaways was kind of a bummer. We got to do a lot of things and it was all inclusive. Overall, the money that we spent was probably financially worth it as it included snacks, souvenirs, lunch, hotel, and transportation. But the time wasn’t worth the money for me. I believe they squeezed in 12-15 stops in less than 48 hours…it wasn’t relaxing at all and far from enjoyable. Some of the stops were interesting, some a waste of time, and some just plain frustrating. Add 40 or so drunk obnoxious women to the mix? Uh, no.

2nd Job
Something I’ll dig into a little further in this post but I acquired a 2nd job that begins in January. I needed to do this for a few different reasons. I’m excited to earn some extra money for a few months next year. I hope to make a friend or two along the way. That’d be coo.

Proximity Salon
I recently paired up with my aunt to help promote her business and bring in more locals to Halstad. I volunteered to help where I could to get my foot in the door more in the terms of the marketing world. The struggles we face are finances. There is no room for advertising right now so it’s all good ol’ fashioned word of mouth and Facebook. I’m both excited and exhausted thinking about it. I really want to see her business flourish but I should have thought about it more before I offered to take on such a big commitment. With a new job, a 2nd job, Christmas, personal life, and everything else; I don’t feel like I have much time to really devote to it. I think I’ve made it clear that I’ll do what I can as this is being done in my free time and free of charge. It’s hard for clients to remember that though.

Finances
frankMoney, honey or lack there of it. Channing and I have had a few set backs over the last year. Many of which are our own fault. Over the last 12 months, we’ve moved twice. That means 2 U-Haul charges, 2 rent deposits, 2 first month’s rents. That also means new out of state license plates and new drivers licenses. We also had a traumatic experience with our dearest kitty Frankie that caused us to fork out nearly $700 that we didn’t have. We’ve gone home a lot more than usual. Now Christmas is almost here. I planned on being “cheap” spending $250 max on my family, friends, co-workers but now that I’m nearly done I’ve racked up over $430 worth of gifts under that tree. I’ll be buying the ham for Christmas and bringing things for the rest of the meal. I’ll also be hosting a baby shower in January for my brother and his girlfriend which we all know is going to cost a pretty penny. I know it’s life and I know everyone struggles but I need a financial break. How are we supposed to live our lives to the fullest if every penny earned is spent on things that don’t bring us joy?

ThanksgivingThanksgiving
Turkey Day was nice. This was the first year that it was just our immediate family. No uncles, aunts or cousins. It was peaceful. I love them dearly but it was nice not to get into one of those political, we disagree because of religious reasons, arguments. Or whatever. Someone always gets offended. This year, for the most part I think, was pretty low-key and enjoyable.

Well, if you made it through, thanks. I just wanted to highlight a few things over the last month or so. We didn’t do anything for Halloween. Christmas decorations are up. I’m still working on my health. I’ve been a lot more positive over the last few weeks (another post) and I’m pretty excited for what the next month and year brings.

Morning Mediation

The last few weeks and maybe even the last month or two; I’ve been feeling awfully sluggish and very negative towards myself and others. A couple of weeks ago my mom mentioned a book she’d been reading: The Secret

I believe it focuses on getting what you want in life. If you say you want something or say you’re going to get something; it’ll happen. Think along the lines of “I will get lose weight.” “I will find the good in things.” “I will buy a house.” “I will be happy.”

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I took her advice and have been using it as a form of meditation each morning this week. I’ve been going into our spare room which is clean and quiet. Channing is busy getting ready for work and I’m free from the Franks needy meows. I just take 2-5 minutes and sit there (or lay on the floor) and close my eyes.  A few deep breaths in and out, and tell myself that I’m going to have a good day. I’m going to get healthy to both feel good and to have children one day, I’m going to be kind, and I’m going to get my finances in order so that I can buy the house of my dreams in the next couple of years.

I think of it as an informal prayer. I pray often and usually at night or on my way to work but this is something a little different. More like an affirmation to myself. To tell myself that “I got this!”

Obviously, this is new for me and everything that I will do or will achieve comes with me actually taking the steps to achieve those things. I know they aren’t going to happen just like that. I need to work towards the things I want. But taking just a few minutes in the morning to remind myself of the things I want makes my day just a bit brighter. I want to keep my needs/wants at the top of my priority list.

So, thanks mom. 🙂

Hello – Adele

I’ve been on repeat a lot lately in case you haven’t noticed. Both in my blog and in my ears. Today’s ballad is Adele’s new single “Hello.” She dropped it today. It’s the first single off of her new album out on November 20th. I already know I’ll love this one just as much as her past albums. Give it a listen.

When I was 7, I wanted to be 8. When I was 8, I wanted to be 12. When I turned 12, I just wanted to be 18. Then after that I stopped wanting to be older. Now I’m ticking 16-24 boxes just to see if I can blag it! I feel like I’ve spent my whole life so far wishing it all away. Always wishing I was older, wishing I was somewhere else, wishing I could remember and I wishing I could forget too. Wishing I hadn’t ruined so many good things because I was scared or bored. Wishing I wasn’t so matter of fact all the time. Wishing I’d gotten to know my great grandmother more, and wishing I didn’t know myself so well, because it means I always know what’s going to happen in the end. Wishing I hadn’t cut my hair off, wishing I was 5’7”. Wishing I’d waited and wishing I’d hurried up as well.

My last record was a break-up record and if I had to label this one, I would call it a make-up record. I’m making up with myself. Making up for lost time. Making up for everything I ever did and never did. But I haven’t got time to hold on to the crumbs of my past like I used to. What’s done is done. Turning 25 was a turning point for me, slap bang in the middle of my 20s. Teetering on the edge of being an old adolescent and a fully-fledged adult, I made the decision to go into becoming who I’m going to be forever without a removal van full of my old junk. I miss everything about my past, the good and the bad, but only because it won’t come back. When I was in it, I wanted out! So typical. I’m on about being a teenager, sitting around and chatting sh— and not caring about the future because it didn’t matter like it does now. The ability to be flippant about everything and there be no consequences Even following and breaking rules… is better than making the rules.

25 is about getting to know who I’ve become without realizing. And I’m sorry it took so long, but you know, life happened.

Love, Adele

I’m Tired

I’ve never been one to zone out but it’s the only thing that’s been getting me through these long and lonely days. Earbuds in all day with music going doesn’t make the days go by quite as fast as I wished they would. Is this what depression feels like?

I’ve always hated the word and the stigma that surrounds depression. I can’t stand the pity me bullshit blasted on social media. Everyone and their sister whining because of whatever crap happened to them this week. From baby daddy drama to no friends to being broke. It’s life, sweetie.

And now I’m here in this stupid spot of what the fuck am I feeling?

Call it ignorance but to those that go out seeking attention on social media (Facebook especially) looking for attention and people to feel bad for them; waiting for someone to just tell them that so and so is in the wrong, blah blah blah. I don’t buy it. I wouldn’t consider that depression. You’re just looking for attention.

Real depression. I know it’s sad and it’s personal. I feel like people who are truly depressed hold on to it as hard as they can. I feel like they keep it inside as long and as much as possible. How do I know that? Because I’m afraid that’s what’s happening to me.

I’m not suicidal. I don’t hate my life. I have a wonderful family. It’s none of that. Actually I talk about my feelings all the time. I vent to my mom, tell my boyfriend about my days, talk to our kitty, Frank. But this is something else. No matter how much I bitch or complain or look for the light at the end of the tunnel; I never find comfort.

It’s like a tired of everything feeling. I’m tired of work and the people at work. I’m tired of the small talk and the fakeness that everyone seems to carry so high in the air. I’m tired of driving and I’m tired of cooking supper. I’m tired of being the one that cares about everyone and the one that has it all together. I’m tired of having no friends and I’m tired of not wanting friends. I’m tired of how I look and my weight. I’m just exhausted. I want to stop everything. Stop working, stop paying bills, stop eating, stop talking. All I want to do is lay in bed and watch sad movies. I want to listen to music that makes me cry. All I want to do is for someone to hug me hard and tell me that it’ll be okay.

What will be okay? I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong.

VP Biden Not Running For Prez

Can we say “finally?” Jeez, talk about an annoying wait for nothing. I’m not going to get into political stances today but I just want to point out that this weird suspense leading up to if/when the VP was going to announce running was silliness to the extreme.

Did anyone really think he was going to run? I didn’t. I’ve been saying for months that dragging it out is just for publicity. What kind of publicity? I don’t know and I don’t really care. I didn’t even like or dislike the guy to begin with but putting on this long dramatic preview for a show that isn’t coming out makes me dislike him a little more than I already hadn’t.

Why are we still doing this as a country? Every news outlet hypes up the most annoying bologna every SINGLE day. If it’s not a hurricane for 3 weeks, it’s a murder suspect in Arkansas. And if it’s not that it’s about the big D. Trump and what he said last night. The country fixates on one thing at a time. It’s got to be nauseating to the rest of the world.

Anyways, I hope Biden does whatever VP’s do after being done in D.C. – Live life frivolously?article-2119941-1253464D000005DC-514_634x344

Anti-Social Pessimist

Truth. This is how I’ve felt lately. I can’t get out of this obnoxious funk. I’ve heard the song below a few times but on my way to work this morning; I actually listened to the words. I’m still working on this positivity concept my mom has been telling me about but check out this song. If you’re a lyric nerd like myself, click here for the rhymes.

Saying Goodbye to Bad Feels.

I was going to write about my feelings again. My angry feels but I decided to delete that and just arrange a list of words to describe one particular thing in my life that I feel I cannot change. The list is in no particular order and is as follows: Anger. Taunt. Strangle. Mannerisms. Overwhelming. Stalking. Irritation. Hate. Know-It-All. Arrogance. Annoyance. Resentment. Suffocating. Trouble. Failure. Smothering.

These all describe a happening in my life that gives me daily stress. I can’t change it. Although, I suppose if I try, I could suppress it but I feel like that’s detrimental to the brain. I just wish I could express how I truly feel without appearing as if I’ve totally gone off the deep end. But this is the last post (hopefully) that I vent about it.

To compensate for this negativity; I’ve taken a little advice from my mom. Kinda. She suggested to sweat out some of this negative through activity. Most of this week, I’ve gotten in more activity than I have in quite some time and I feel great about it.

It doesn’t necessarily eliminate this spot of blackness in my day but it pushes it to the side a little. I’ve decided that the frustration and stress that I’ve been allowing myself to feel isn’t worth it and the person making feel this way doesn’t deserve my time or energy. And karmas supposedly a bitch so what goes around will come around. Which goes both ways, my negative feelings aren’t helping my karma auras any.

This week I’ve been making a point to steer clear of the individual in question and only listening slash providing feedback when necessary. Any kind of communication otherwise goes in one ear and out the other. Hopefully they’ll get the hint and go away.

Ohm.

It’s Time To Collect Myself

As a self-proclaimed organizing genius, I can’t seem to get my own life in order. My core revolves around organization. At work, I’m the go-to for sorting out the mess. I make a point of cleaning up the trash someone created and putting things in order when they aren’t. I create and update notes, spreadsheets, slideshows so that they make the most sense logically and provide an extreme effort of efficiency.

CR0AqReUsAAHDpGThis is the same for planning outside of work. I make a plan to make a plan, if that makes sense. I create lists, eye-dizzying spreadsheets with formulas, and put everything together in a nice and perfect organized bunch. I have a certain way that I clean and pick up the house. I organize my bills, paychecks, and receipts. Everything I do involves organizing.

Except for myself.

I can’t organize myself or my overall life. I feel like paint splattered on a canvas but it’s not just on the canvas. It’s on the walls, the floor, the ceiling. I’m on high alert to organize everyone and everything that I can get my hands on but I have this blocker – a wall – not allowing me to organize myself.

Now that I’ve just written that, that actually might be the root to all of my “problems.” I’ve been constantly moving, running from something for years and recently, I seem to have developed a lack of patience for absolutely everything. It often has morphed into hatred and a short temper. Maybe I need to really put time and effort into organizing my life and what I need in it.

Realistically, of course.

Cool, dude.

I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner. Before this (my WP blog), I had a Blogger blog. I would sometimes reference it or link it to this blog. I left B and joined WP almost two years ago but it always bothered me that I had two separate personal blogs out there. Why couldn’t they just merge together? Guess what, they can! (LIGHTBULB!) I’m sure it’s been an option forever but for some reason I just found out about it now. It’s probably due to my laziness in figuring it out.

Anyway, so long old blog. Everything I’ve written since January 2012 is now in this blog with the exception of I ‘Ate My Life but that is a topic specific WP blog and it’s tied to this one. I am looking into starting a photography blog to be linked here as well but haven’t figured out if I have time to dedicate to that yet. My main problemo was that I had two different dashboards and it drove me bananas. (B-A-N-A-N-A-S)

Home’s where you go when you run out of homes. -John le Carré

This couldn’t be more accurate. I’ve had a lot of homes. More than I’d like to admit. Not in a bad, no family situation kind of way. I’ve just moved a lot. I never feel at “home.” I never get that cozy, warm, home feeling that we all know about.

Until I leave.

First, I’ll start by saying that yes, my parents house feels most like home. I think for a lot of people, young adults especially, this is probably true. This isn’t about home “home,” this is about making life your home. I’ve moved to a different apartment in the same city, I’ve moved to different cities, accepted different jobs, met different people. But it always seems like every day is like the last, everywhere I go.

I don’t know if I’m expecting some kind of grand entrance to the next level of life or what but the days so easily and so quickly become monotonous.

Home. What is home? I have a Pinterest board that feels like home to me. The décor, the space, the ideas, the wonder. The laughs around a dining room table playing games, the comfortable bed snuggled up next to my kitten. The warm fireplace, hot cocoa, and Christmas cartoons on repeat. I imagine home much more than I feel home.

I have this grand gesture of an idea in my head. I’ve been planning my “home” for as long as I can remember. I’m going to buy a beautiful house, paint, and decorate. Fill it to the brim with my home-y style. Invite those people over to play those games. Light that fire and drink that cocoa. Snuggle and smile and enjoy my home.

But that kind of home, that dream home seems so far away. There are so many variables of life that make home feel impossible for a 20-something. Credit scores, income, education.  Needs verses wants is probably the biggest mountain to climb. I don’t need a lot but I don’t want garbage. I have high hopes and medium expectations when it comes to home.

With that being said, my current “life” feels so far from home it’s not even funny. I know apartments never feel like home; at least I don’t think they do. But I miss my old home. I miss certain parts of living in that shitty ass trailer in Thief River. I miss the upstairs apartment that we lived in TWICE. I kind of even miss my downtown, hole in the ground apartment in Grand Forks. I miss West Ridge which was, hands down, the best place we’ve ever lived.

Now that we no longer live in those places, they seem like home more than ever before. I fanaticize about what my life would be like now, if I would have given it just a little more time instead of always jumping and running away when things weren’t just the way I wanted them.

I want to get past this hump of “Why’s.” We keep questioning if we’ve made the right decisions. Was it right to move to leave Thief River nearly 4 years ago? Was it right to leave excellent paying jobs and people in Grand Forks? Did we give Bemidji enough time? Why are we in Fargo? What are we doing?

Home never feels like home until you leave. It’s true. Everywhere I’ve lived, I couldn’t wait to “get out” thinking that my next move was going to be my last move until the big buy (a house) but then I move again. What am I running from? What am I chasing? Each of those places we’ve left always seem to call me back asking the question “Why?” I miss my home and wherever I am now, doesn’t feel like it’ll ever be home. It never does.

Anger Doesn’t Look Good On Me

I think my patience is wearing thin. Depending on the situation; I’m a pretty patient person. I think that my immediate family might disagree which is valid but in general; I’m very patient. Well, I used to be.

Lately, my patience has been worn thin. I get frustrated with people very easily. Maybe my “moron” radar is through the roof or something. I feel like I don’t have time to deal with assholes or dick weeds. I don’t give a shit about your perfect children or how you would do this or how you would do that. You’re not hilarious, clever, or nice. You’re a creep, a smothering moth, and a know-it-all that doesn’t quite know it all.

I used to be a window. I used to have the patience to deal with people who didn’t get it or varied in opinion to me. I used to have an open invite to challenge me. It would go in one ear and out the other. I’ve always understood that I might need to change my direction in order for others to understand or to validate my stance and I’ve always been able to adapt accordingly but lately, it hasn’t been so easy.

I’ve turned into a sponge and not in a good way. I hold on to everything certain people say and by the time I’m done just want to throat punch them to the ground. My patience is gone and it’s making the days more and more difficult to deal with.

And I should probably stop there. This is why I hate blogging but love writing. I’ve pondered pausing blogging in the writing sense for some time now. I don’t feel that I can truly express myself or say how I really feel without totally going overboard. I don’t know who’s reading this. On one hand, I want to reach the masses. I want others to know that I’m out here too. I know how you feel. I want to share my happy days and my throat punch days but I don’t want to risk my career or personal life by doing that. There’s no happy medium is there? Go big or go home?

Getting Things Done

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a total couch potato. When it comes to my personal (non-work) life; I’m perfectly content hanging out at home every evening catching up on the latest shows, surfing the internet, or reading. This usually means that I procrastinate at getting things done that need to get done.

This will probably sound absolutely absurd to those that do stuff every day, all the time but for me, what I’m about to say is a pretty big deal.

Today I woke up early. Woah, what! I made healthy food choices all day and cooked all of our meals. I “fall-cleaned” which included the dishes, laundry, sweeping, PUTTING MY CLOTHES AWAY and a few other random things that I put off every week.

I went grocery shopping, balanced my checkbook, got Frank some new toys. Which means that of course, I made some time to play with the cutest kitty in the world. I went for a walk, edited photos for a couple of hours, and now I’m here writing this.

Successfull day in the books if you ask me. The only thing I didn’t do was sit in front of the TV for hours. I think I watched whatever Channing was watching when I ate my breakfast but other than that; I totally accepted my boost of energy and took advantage of it.

I wish I could get things done like this every day but most days I just want to vege. Since I’m already working on getting healthier, I plan to for sure keep the walk thing a top priority. I used to be much more on top of things but I think with 2 big moves in less than a year and a busy summer of going going going; it took a toll on the organizing and prioritizing portion of my brain. It feels good to be in control.

Time for bed. I’m exhausted.

Sometimes…

I haven’t been inspired to write lately. I have a lot of things to say but nowhere to put them. Some things I want to be read and some things I don’t. I have days where I want to throw people under the bus and vent my lungs out. I want to tell the world how it is and let people know that they are assholes but I don’t because I don’t know who’s reading this. And other times, I have something really awesome to say, so awesome that I can’t find my words. Or I don’t have time or I figure that no one is even reading this so what’s the point?

I have questions without answers and things I struggle with on a daily basis. Sometimes I want advice and sometimes I want everyone to be quiet and sometimes I want people to tell me it’ll be okay. I want to brag, I want to wallow, I want to be excited, I want pity, and I want to cry. I want to hate, and love, and inspire, and motivate. Sometimes, I have so much to say that I can’t say anything. Like I’m stuck.

My 9/11 connection or lack thereof.

I was debating on if I should post anything or not but then I figured; this is my blog. So, sure. Why not? My original post was the usual mile and a half long but I condensed it down into a few short paragraphs. I think at first I felt like I needed to explain myself for why I feel the way I feel but I decided that I don’t. I can’t change how I feel. It might be an unpopular stance but so what. Here it goes..

I don’t feel like September 11, 2001 really impacted me.

Ouch.

What I mean is: The events that day, the people’s lives that were lost, the buildings that were destroyed, the city that was damaged, the hearts that were broken; it didn’t directly change my life. I lost no one. I didn’t know what the “Twin Towers” were or what a World Trade Center was when it happened. (Even now, I don’t really know what operations were going on other than a bunch of businesses, at least one bar, and a couple of art studios.) I’d never been to New York City or on a plane. It didn’t give me the chills when I saw the news unravel on the television in my classroom or make me stop what I was doing.

Every year, I try and “get it.” I watch endless amounts of programming on TV; countless documentaries. I’ve read the news articles and the statistics. I know the story. I’ve educated myself on it. I feel empathy towards the families that have lost loved ones. I sense the pain when I watch or read anything surrounding the date but I also get upset when I watch a Lifetime movie.

I’m not trying to be the asshole here. It would be so much easier to feel the same way everyone else does, honestly. To raise America up on some kind of high pedestal like we’re the only ones that have lost people is obnoxious. We’ve killed just as many if not more after the war than on that day. We are supposed to teach our children to stand up for themselves and not bully one another but the country we live in can’t do that. War and murder is not standing up for ourselves.

And I don’t agree with the argument: “9/11 is about the people we lost. You don’t care about the people lost?” Of course I do, I’m not a sociopath. But the thing is, America’s 9/11 isn’t about the lives we lost. Our society pretends it’s about the people we lost, but it’s about a bigger issue. Getting back at whoever did us wrong.

I’ve found over the years that it’s best to keep my mouth shut because if 9/11 didn’t directly impact you and you voice it out loud (God forbid) than you’re the bad guy. I really never mean to be insensitive I guess but it seems like in the land of opinions, everyone that has an unpopular one isn’t entitled to one.

The only reason I remember exactly where I was, wasn’t because I was in shock. It was because my teacher told us to remember where we were because we’re going to need to know where we were for the rest of our lives. Like it was some kind of test. No explanation, no moment of silence, no nothing. Just remember where you are. Or else.

I’m not completely cold-hearted, I promise. I am capable of compassion. I wish I could pray the pain away for those who’ve lost loved ones that day; for them to find closure if they haven’t and comfort when they need it. I wish for the families of the firefighters, paramedics, and police to know that their deaths were not in vain. For the civilians that had nothing to do with the World Trade Center and were merely just civilians; the people on the planes (who, by the way, I feel are very rarely mentioned) I pray for their souls and for their families.

But I’m not sorry that I can’t fully grasp the “never forget” symbols spread nationally each year all over social media. I don’t disagree with it but I also can’t fully stand behind it or I’d be lying. Pretending that I gave a real shit. This goes back to me stepping on hot coals but I feel like people blast social media these days with 9/11 pictures to just prove to each other that they “never forgot.” And maybe that’s what my issue is: People who act as if the tragedy really meant something to them when it didn’t. You posted a picture, that’s all. Did you actually participate in a moment of silence? Did you pray for those lost? Did you lose someone? Did it change your life?

There isn’t a huge gathering for my classmate each year that committed suicide a couple of years ago. There isn’t a yearly prayer service for my grandpa who died when I was a baby. I don’t expect people that didn’t know the people I’ve lost to mourn for me. To “never forget.”

And I hope that those truly effected by the 9/11 attacks do find comfort after 14 years to know that their loved ones are still with them, just in a different form. I just think (obviously my opinion only) that just because you post a picture and say “never forget,” are you just doing that because it’s 9/11 and you’ve been instructed to never forget or were you impacted? How is 9/11 connected to you other than by a tv screen?

Again, as I stated from the beginning of my post. This isn’t meant to be insensitive or stir up trouble. I was in 6th grade when the planes hit the twin towers. I didn’t know what they were. I didn’t know anything about New York City or their significance to the country. Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s a lack of education on my part? I don’t know. And again, this isn’t meant to offend or insult anyone who was directly impacted by the attacks.

A (Cat) Mother’s Instinct: Frankie’s Bad Day

Please Note: I wrote this with it all fresh in my mind. Everything stated below is based on my opinion of how I felt, my point of view, and my side of the story. I hope through research that I will be able to be connected to the appropriate people to determine if everything that happened to Frankie was right or if we were taken advantage of financially/emotionally. I also submitted this to Jazzy & Mumbo’s Thrift Store. They are a 100% volunteer run non-profit thrift store aimed at helping pet owners when they need help with unexpected vetrinarian bills. My submission to recieve financial help with this bill has not been accepted yet. I would like to encourage anyone and everyone that can to please bring items you no longer need or want to this thrift store, make money donations to the cause, and spread the word. The more people that come into the thrift store to buy things, the more people they can help.


11011104_10153417489118363_3003056300087072152_nOn Wednesday, August 26th  my kitten, Frankie, went in to be neutered. He is just about 6 months old and the doctor okay’d his health for this procedure. His records are up to date. I brought him there at 7:30 AM. Later that morning (8:43 AM), I received a phone call from Dr. Crystal Meganau. She stated that Frankie had a severe reaction to the sedation medication they gave him.

Within 3 minutes of giving him the medication, he began vomiting, convulsing, and his breathing was strained. At that point, she wasn’t able to give me any kind of outcome nor did she let me know what the treatment plan would be. She just called to inform me. (Which I appreciated given the circumstances.)

A couple of hours later (10:33 AM), she called with an update. At this point, she still was unable to confidently say that he was going to be “okay.” She let me know that they did a series of chest x-rays and found fluid in his lungs. They hooked him up to oxygen and a catheter and noted that they are giving him fluids through IV’s. She also noted that they gave him reverse medication (something to do with reversing the medication that gave him the reaction) and a steroid shot. During this call, she noted that he hadn’t vomited in a while.

I then called Dr. Meganau over my lunch hour (12:19 PM) to check in on Frankie. This call was much more optimistic but we weren’t totally in the clear yet. She let me know he was still on oxygen, fluids, and the catheter. He was doing better and sleeping. During this phone call, I asked about the cost of today’s events given that I figured I’d need to address it at some point. She said she didn’t have that information available.

The doctor called me later that afternoon (2:26 PM) to let me know that he is now doing well. They had taken him off of everything that they put him on and gave him a 2nd chest x-ray to make sure there was no longer fluid in his lungs. She noted that he was playing with a cat toy they provided him. She also noted that the total for everything that happened today was going to be somewhere in the 600’s. (She gave me an actual total at that point, but I can’t recall what it was.)

When I went to pick Frankie up, the doctor again went over everything that had happened that day. But, they wouldn’t let me see Frankie until I paid a portion of the bill which totaled at $637.08. (This is the final total. It was higher but I believe they removed a customer copy of the x-rays to bring it down to that.) I asked about discounts and asked if I was going to be charged for the medication that initially caused the reaction, ect. Discounts are not available and I am being charged for the medication that set off this whole reaction. They also noted that everything listed on the bill was necessary. At this point, I didn’t have the energy to argue because I felt as if I was pushed to my limit and had to “trust” that everything done was absolutely necessary throughout the day.

The receptionist that day was Tonya Fliflet. She was very rude during the check-out process. I had gotten bad news after bad news all day so I was an emotional wreck. Up to this point, I still had not seen my kitten and just wanted to go home with him in hand. I let Ms. Fliflet know that I only had $200 cash because I had intended on paying for the neutered appointment today so I gave her that. I don’t have a back up stash of money to pay the remainder at that moment. (Who would?)

She noted that I could either set up an account with them or apply for a credit card on her computer. I wasn’t comfortable doing either and knew that I needed to discuss this information and the charges with my boyfriend. I did not want my personal information stored on her computer, nor did I want to take out credit for something like this.

11902442_10153516622378363_8242090617302064252_nShe reiterated that she would not release my kitten to me without one or the other and asked for my bank account information and my social security number. I again noted that I wasn’t comfortable providing my information on a piece of paper. (It wasn’t an official document of any kind).

I ended up putting my information down because I was on the verge of tears and wanted to see my kitten. I felt incredibly violated. It was clear that Mr. Fliflet was used to playing with the emotions of a pet owner. She was incredibly unprofessional.

Additional Notes:

Frankie never did get neutered that day.

I was pleased with Dr. Meganau keeping me informed and explaining things in a language that I could understand. I am thankful and appreciative that he was taken care of and he is okay.

However, I do not know, because I do not have the knowledge in the field, if all the steps and charges taken were necessary to Frankie being okay nor if all the steps taken were protocol. (Should I have been asked if they can do x-rays and oxygen? Should I have been notified of prices prior to action being taken?)

I asked repeatedly the morning of, what could happen if things don’t go right? Would he be in pain? What kind of complications could arise? Would there be issues with the medication? I was reassured that “this is a routine procedure” and was not told of possible complications even when I asked.

I think that upon the very first visit at a new vet, payment options should be discussed in the event that something catastrophic happens. It is incredibly unfair and morally unjust to “hold” a pet from the owner after the pet and the owner suffered what Frankie went through.

My mom and boyfriend can both attest that I didn’t have a good feeling about this procedure going into it. I was worried that something would go wrong and was frustrated when everyone told me it’ll be okay. I usually am pretty good with listening to what my gut instinct tells me. I would encourage anyone that doesn’t feel right about a situation, to take your own word on it because you’re probably right.

Thank you for reading, thank you for the Frankie prayers, and thank you everyone that put up with me that day and the days following. Frankie is doing okay. He is still very tired and not himself yet. He’s on medication through next week. I’m confident that he’ll be back to himself in no time.