Trying to reflect..

Tuesday after work I was in a horrific car accident on the interstate going home. I’ll spare most of the details because I’ve told the story more times then I can count by now. But I’m struggling. What happened? How did I not see what was happening? Where are the few seconds I’m missing?

I’m roughed up and bruised all over but I will be okay. Everyone involved in the accident are also, thankfully, okay. But why? Why am I okay when this was my fault? Why am I okay in my own house only in enough physical pain to be calmed by a heating pad and over-the-counter meds? Why isn’t it worse? This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. Spontaneous crying. Feelings of disappointment and pain. Bouts of self-doubt. All while trying to remind myself that it’s in Gods hands and it’s going to be okay.

The bruises on my body this week are the only thing that I can relate to how I feel inside. Similarly, all of my bruises are in areas hidden.. my breasts, rib cage. My upper thighs, abdomen. I’ve taken pictures but they’re too graphic for me to share. All hidden away nicely behind my clothes. That’s how I feel on the inside right now.. feelings tucked and folded nicely behind an “I’m okay” half-smile.

I haven’t been able to sleep this week. Partially because my bruises are so deep, the slightest movement hurts and partially because when I close my eyes.. I still smell the smell and taste the taste of the airbags. I see myself outside of my body looking into my car watching myself sob and feel myself being so scared. Trying to gain control as people bang on my window asking if I’m okay. I’ve never felt so out of control in my life. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I was hysterical. I am hysterical.

I’ve been praying for answers, asking why. Not because I’m angry or even upset about getting into a statistically preventable accident but because I know there’s a deeper meaning then that. What do I need to learn from this? Do I need to slow down in life? Is this my lesson in empathy? Am I too unkind to those I don’t know? Do I need to appreciate more in life? Is this my health wake up call?

I’ve tried talking to a few people and I don’t feel like anyone understands or maybe they are tired of hearing me talk. I’m tired of hearing me talk. Maybe I’m not hearing them. Maybe I don’t want to be told, “it just happens. It’s not your job to know why.” “You can’t be afraid to drive. You have to drive again.”

I don’t know what the purpose of this post is. I think I needed to get something out, say something to myself. The way I function, I need to be in control. I need to be in control of my emotions and my feelings. Of my actions and reactions. Above all of this, even though I don’t have answers, I know that I’ll be okay eventually. The real okay, not the “behind a half-smile” okay. It just takes time.

And although I’ve known this my entire life, I’m constantly being reminded that angels are real and prayer works. With that being said, wherever you go this weekend, whatever you do. Please.. take your time. Be aware of your surroundings and above all else, wear your seat belt. Mine saved my life.

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