Saying Goodbye to Bad Feels.

I was going to write about my feelings again. My angry feels but I decided to delete that and just arrange a list of words to describe one particular thing in my life that I feel I cannot change. The list is in no particular order and is as follows: Anger. Taunt. Strangle. Mannerisms. Overwhelming. Stalking. Irritation. Hate. Know-It-All. Arrogance. Annoyance. Resentment. Suffocating. Trouble. Failure. Smothering.

These all describe a happening in my life that gives me daily stress. I can’t change it. Although, I suppose if I try, I could suppress it but I feel like that’s detrimental to the brain. I just wish I could express how I truly feel without appearing as if I’ve totally gone off the deep end. But this is the last post (hopefully) that I vent about it.

To compensate for this negativity; I’ve taken a little advice from my mom. Kinda. She suggested to sweat out some of this negative through activity. Most of this week, I’ve gotten in more activity than I have in quite some time and I feel great about it.

It doesn’t necessarily eliminate this spot of blackness in my day but it pushes it to the side a little. I’ve decided that the frustration and stress that I’ve been allowing myself to feel isn’t worth it and the person making feel this way doesn’t deserve my time or energy. And karmas supposedly a bitch so what goes around will come around. Which goes both ways, my negative feelings aren’t helping my karma auras any.

This week I’ve been making a point to steer clear of the individual in question and only listening slash providing feedback when necessary. Any kind of communication otherwise goes in one ear and out the other. Hopefully they’ll get the hint and go away.

Ohm.

It’s Time To Collect Myself

As a self-proclaimed organizing genius, I can’t seem to get my own life in order. My core revolves around organization. At work, I’m the go-to for sorting out the mess. I make a point of cleaning up the trash someone created and putting things in order when they aren’t. I create and update notes, spreadsheets, slideshows so that they make the most sense logically and provide an extreme effort of efficiency.

CR0AqReUsAAHDpGThis is the same for planning outside of work. I make a plan to make a plan, if that makes sense. I create lists, eye-dizzying spreadsheets with formulas, and put everything together in a nice and perfect organized bunch. I have a certain way that I clean and pick up the house. I organize my bills, paychecks, and receipts. Everything I do involves organizing.

Except for myself.

I can’t organize myself or my overall life. I feel like paint splattered on a canvas but it’s not just on the canvas. It’s on the walls, the floor, the ceiling. I’m on high alert to organize everyone and everything that I can get my hands on but I have this blocker – a wall – not allowing me to organize myself.

Now that I’ve just written that, that actually might be the root to all of my “problems.” I’ve been constantly moving, running from something for years and recently, I seem to have developed a lack of patience for absolutely everything. It often has morphed into hatred and a short temper. Maybe I need to really put time and effort into organizing my life and what I need in it.

Realistically, of course.

Cool, dude.

I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner. Before this (my WP blog), I had a Blogger blog. I would sometimes reference it or link it to this blog. I left B and joined WP almost two years ago but it always bothered me that I had two separate personal blogs out there. Why couldn’t they just merge together? Guess what, they can! (LIGHTBULB!) I’m sure it’s been an option forever but for some reason I just found out about it now. It’s probably due to my laziness in figuring it out.

Anyway, so long old blog. Everything I’ve written since January 2012 is now in this blog with the exception of I ‘Ate My Life but that is a topic specific WP blog and it’s tied to this one. I am looking into starting a photography blog to be linked here as well but haven’t figured out if I have time to dedicate to that yet. My main problemo was that I had two different dashboards and it drove me bananas. (B-A-N-A-N-A-S)

Home’s where you go when you run out of homes. -John le Carré

This couldn’t be more accurate. I’ve had a lot of homes. More than I’d like to admit. Not in a bad, no family situation kind of way. I’ve just moved a lot. I never feel at “home.” I never get that cozy, warm, home feeling that we all know about.

Until I leave.

First, I’ll start by saying that yes, my parents house feels most like home. I think for a lot of people, young adults especially, this is probably true. This isn’t about home “home,” this is about making life your home. I’ve moved to a different apartment in the same city, I’ve moved to different cities, accepted different jobs, met different people. But it always seems like every day is like the last, everywhere I go.

I don’t know if I’m expecting some kind of grand entrance to the next level of life or what but the days so easily and so quickly become monotonous.

Home. What is home? I have a Pinterest board that feels like home to me. The décor, the space, the ideas, the wonder. The laughs around a dining room table playing games, the comfortable bed snuggled up next to my kitten. The warm fireplace, hot cocoa, and Christmas cartoons on repeat. I imagine home much more than I feel home.

I have this grand gesture of an idea in my head. I’ve been planning my “home” for as long as I can remember. I’m going to buy a beautiful house, paint, and decorate. Fill it to the brim with my home-y style. Invite those people over to play those games. Light that fire and drink that cocoa. Snuggle and smile and enjoy my home.

But that kind of home, that dream home seems so far away. There are so many variables of life that make home feel impossible for a 20-something. Credit scores, income, education.  Needs verses wants is probably the biggest mountain to climb. I don’t need a lot but I don’t want garbage. I have high hopes and medium expectations when it comes to home.

With that being said, my current “life” feels so far from home it’s not even funny. I know apartments never feel like home; at least I don’t think they do. But I miss my old home. I miss certain parts of living in that shitty ass trailer in Thief River. I miss the upstairs apartment that we lived in TWICE. I kind of even miss my downtown, hole in the ground apartment in Grand Forks. I miss West Ridge which was, hands down, the best place we’ve ever lived.

Now that we no longer live in those places, they seem like home more than ever before. I fanaticize about what my life would be like now, if I would have given it just a little more time instead of always jumping and running away when things weren’t just the way I wanted them.

I want to get past this hump of “Why’s.” We keep questioning if we’ve made the right decisions. Was it right to move to leave Thief River nearly 4 years ago? Was it right to leave excellent paying jobs and people in Grand Forks? Did we give Bemidji enough time? Why are we in Fargo? What are we doing?

Home never feels like home until you leave. It’s true. Everywhere I’ve lived, I couldn’t wait to “get out” thinking that my next move was going to be my last move until the big buy (a house) but then I move again. What am I running from? What am I chasing? Each of those places we’ve left always seem to call me back asking the question “Why?” I miss my home and wherever I am now, doesn’t feel like it’ll ever be home. It never does.

Anger Doesn’t Look Good On Me

I think my patience is wearing thin. Depending on the situation; I’m a pretty patient person. I think that my immediate family might disagree which is valid but in general; I’m very patient. Well, I used to be.

Lately, my patience has been worn thin. I get frustrated with people very easily. Maybe my “moron” radar is through the roof or something. I feel like I don’t have time to deal with assholes or dick weeds. I don’t give a shit about your perfect children or how you would do this or how you would do that. You’re not hilarious, clever, or nice. You’re a creep, a smothering moth, and a know-it-all that doesn’t quite know it all.

I used to be a window. I used to have the patience to deal with people who didn’t get it or varied in opinion to me. I used to have an open invite to challenge me. It would go in one ear and out the other. I’ve always understood that I might need to change my direction in order for others to understand or to validate my stance and I’ve always been able to adapt accordingly but lately, it hasn’t been so easy.

I’ve turned into a sponge and not in a good way. I hold on to everything certain people say and by the time I’m done just want to throat punch them to the ground. My patience is gone and it’s making the days more and more difficult to deal with.

And I should probably stop there. This is why I hate blogging but love writing. I’ve pondered pausing blogging in the writing sense for some time now. I don’t feel that I can truly express myself or say how I really feel without totally going overboard. I don’t know who’s reading this. On one hand, I want to reach the masses. I want others to know that I’m out here too. I know how you feel. I want to share my happy days and my throat punch days but I don’t want to risk my career or personal life by doing that. There’s no happy medium is there? Go big or go home?

Getting Things Done

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a total couch potato. When it comes to my personal (non-work) life; I’m perfectly content hanging out at home every evening catching up on the latest shows, surfing the internet, or reading. This usually means that I procrastinate at getting things done that need to get done.

This will probably sound absolutely absurd to those that do stuff every day, all the time but for me, what I’m about to say is a pretty big deal.

Today I woke up early. Woah, what! I made healthy food choices all day and cooked all of our meals. I “fall-cleaned” which included the dishes, laundry, sweeping, PUTTING MY CLOTHES AWAY and a few other random things that I put off every week.

I went grocery shopping, balanced my checkbook, got Frank some new toys. Which means that of course, I made some time to play with the cutest kitty in the world. I went for a walk, edited photos for a couple of hours, and now I’m here writing this.

Successfull day in the books if you ask me. The only thing I didn’t do was sit in front of the TV for hours. I think I watched whatever Channing was watching when I ate my breakfast but other than that; I totally accepted my boost of energy and took advantage of it.

I wish I could get things done like this every day but most days I just want to vege. Since I’m already working on getting healthier, I plan to for sure keep the walk thing a top priority. I used to be much more on top of things but I think with 2 big moves in less than a year and a busy summer of going going going; it took a toll on the organizing and prioritizing portion of my brain. It feels good to be in control.

Time for bed. I’m exhausted.

Sometimes…

I haven’t been inspired to write lately. I have a lot of things to say but nowhere to put them. Some things I want to be read and some things I don’t. I have days where I want to throw people under the bus and vent my lungs out. I want to tell the world how it is and let people know that they are assholes but I don’t because I don’t know who’s reading this. And other times, I have something really awesome to say, so awesome that I can’t find my words. Or I don’t have time or I figure that no one is even reading this so what’s the point?

I have questions without answers and things I struggle with on a daily basis. Sometimes I want advice and sometimes I want everyone to be quiet and sometimes I want people to tell me it’ll be okay. I want to brag, I want to wallow, I want to be excited, I want pity, and I want to cry. I want to hate, and love, and inspire, and motivate. Sometimes, I have so much to say that I can’t say anything. Like I’m stuck.

My 9/11 connection or lack thereof.

I was debating on if I should post anything or not but then I figured; this is my blog. So, sure. Why not? My original post was the usual mile and a half long but I condensed it down into a few short paragraphs. I think at first I felt like I needed to explain myself for why I feel the way I feel but I decided that I don’t. I can’t change how I feel. It might be an unpopular stance but so what. Here it goes..

I don’t feel like September 11, 2001 really impacted me.

Ouch.

What I mean is: The events that day, the people’s lives that were lost, the buildings that were destroyed, the city that was damaged, the hearts that were broken; it didn’t directly change my life. I lost no one. I didn’t know what the “Twin Towers” were or what a World Trade Center was when it happened. (Even now, I don’t really know what operations were going on other than a bunch of businesses, at least one bar, and a couple of art studios.) I’d never been to New York City or on a plane. It didn’t give me the chills when I saw the news unravel on the television in my classroom or make me stop what I was doing.

Every year, I try and “get it.” I watch endless amounts of programming on TV; countless documentaries. I’ve read the news articles and the statistics. I know the story. I’ve educated myself on it. I feel empathy towards the families that have lost loved ones. I sense the pain when I watch or read anything surrounding the date but I also get upset when I watch a Lifetime movie.

I’m not trying to be the asshole here. It would be so much easier to feel the same way everyone else does, honestly. To raise America up on some kind of high pedestal like we’re the only ones that have lost people is obnoxious. We’ve killed just as many if not more after the war than on that day. We are supposed to teach our children to stand up for themselves and not bully one another but the country we live in can’t do that. War and murder is not standing up for ourselves.

And I don’t agree with the argument: “9/11 is about the people we lost. You don’t care about the people lost?” Of course I do, I’m not a sociopath. But the thing is, America’s 9/11 isn’t about the lives we lost. Our society pretends it’s about the people we lost, but it’s about a bigger issue. Getting back at whoever did us wrong.

I’ve found over the years that it’s best to keep my mouth shut because if 9/11 didn’t directly impact you and you voice it out loud (God forbid) than you’re the bad guy. I really never mean to be insensitive I guess but it seems like in the land of opinions, everyone that has an unpopular one isn’t entitled to one.

The only reason I remember exactly where I was, wasn’t because I was in shock. It was because my teacher told us to remember where we were because we’re going to need to know where we were for the rest of our lives. Like it was some kind of test. No explanation, no moment of silence, no nothing. Just remember where you are. Or else.

I’m not completely cold-hearted, I promise. I am capable of compassion. I wish I could pray the pain away for those who’ve lost loved ones that day; for them to find closure if they haven’t and comfort when they need it. I wish for the families of the firefighters, paramedics, and police to know that their deaths were not in vain. For the civilians that had nothing to do with the World Trade Center and were merely just civilians; the people on the planes (who, by the way, I feel are very rarely mentioned) I pray for their souls and for their families.

But I’m not sorry that I can’t fully grasp the “never forget” symbols spread nationally each year all over social media. I don’t disagree with it but I also can’t fully stand behind it or I’d be lying. Pretending that I gave a real shit. This goes back to me stepping on hot coals but I feel like people blast social media these days with 9/11 pictures to just prove to each other that they “never forgot.” And maybe that’s what my issue is: People who act as if the tragedy really meant something to them when it didn’t. You posted a picture, that’s all. Did you actually participate in a moment of silence? Did you pray for those lost? Did you lose someone? Did it change your life?

There isn’t a huge gathering for my classmate each year that committed suicide a couple of years ago. There isn’t a yearly prayer service for my grandpa who died when I was a baby. I don’t expect people that didn’t know the people I’ve lost to mourn for me. To “never forget.”

And I hope that those truly effected by the 9/11 attacks do find comfort after 14 years to know that their loved ones are still with them, just in a different form. I just think (obviously my opinion only) that just because you post a picture and say “never forget,” are you just doing that because it’s 9/11 and you’ve been instructed to never forget or were you impacted? How is 9/11 connected to you other than by a tv screen?

Again, as I stated from the beginning of my post. This isn’t meant to be insensitive or stir up trouble. I was in 6th grade when the planes hit the twin towers. I didn’t know what they were. I didn’t know anything about New York City or their significance to the country. Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s a lack of education on my part? I don’t know. And again, this isn’t meant to offend or insult anyone who was directly impacted by the attacks.

A (Cat) Mother’s Instinct: Frankie’s Bad Day

Please Note: I wrote this with it all fresh in my mind. Everything stated below is based on my opinion of how I felt, my point of view, and my side of the story. I hope through research that I will be able to be connected to the appropriate people to determine if everything that happened to Frankie was right or if we were taken advantage of financially/emotionally. I also submitted this to Jazzy & Mumbo’s Thrift Store. They are a 100% volunteer run non-profit thrift store aimed at helping pet owners when they need help with unexpected vetrinarian bills. My submission to recieve financial help with this bill has not been accepted yet. I would like to encourage anyone and everyone that can to please bring items you no longer need or want to this thrift store, make money donations to the cause, and spread the word. The more people that come into the thrift store to buy things, the more people they can help.


11011104_10153417489118363_3003056300087072152_nOn Wednesday, August 26th  my kitten, Frankie, went in to be neutered. He is just about 6 months old and the doctor okay’d his health for this procedure. His records are up to date. I brought him there at 7:30 AM. Later that morning (8:43 AM), I received a phone call from Dr. Crystal Meganau. She stated that Frankie had a severe reaction to the sedation medication they gave him.

Within 3 minutes of giving him the medication, he began vomiting, convulsing, and his breathing was strained. At that point, she wasn’t able to give me any kind of outcome nor did she let me know what the treatment plan would be. She just called to inform me. (Which I appreciated given the circumstances.)

A couple of hours later (10:33 AM), she called with an update. At this point, she still was unable to confidently say that he was going to be “okay.” She let me know that they did a series of chest x-rays and found fluid in his lungs. They hooked him up to oxygen and a catheter and noted that they are giving him fluids through IV’s. She also noted that they gave him reverse medication (something to do with reversing the medication that gave him the reaction) and a steroid shot. During this call, she noted that he hadn’t vomited in a while.

I then called Dr. Meganau over my lunch hour (12:19 PM) to check in on Frankie. This call was much more optimistic but we weren’t totally in the clear yet. She let me know he was still on oxygen, fluids, and the catheter. He was doing better and sleeping. During this phone call, I asked about the cost of today’s events given that I figured I’d need to address it at some point. She said she didn’t have that information available.

The doctor called me later that afternoon (2:26 PM) to let me know that he is now doing well. They had taken him off of everything that they put him on and gave him a 2nd chest x-ray to make sure there was no longer fluid in his lungs. She noted that he was playing with a cat toy they provided him. She also noted that the total for everything that happened today was going to be somewhere in the 600’s. (She gave me an actual total at that point, but I can’t recall what it was.)

When I went to pick Frankie up, the doctor again went over everything that had happened that day. But, they wouldn’t let me see Frankie until I paid a portion of the bill which totaled at $637.08. (This is the final total. It was higher but I believe they removed a customer copy of the x-rays to bring it down to that.) I asked about discounts and asked if I was going to be charged for the medication that initially caused the reaction, ect. Discounts are not available and I am being charged for the medication that set off this whole reaction. They also noted that everything listed on the bill was necessary. At this point, I didn’t have the energy to argue because I felt as if I was pushed to my limit and had to “trust” that everything done was absolutely necessary throughout the day.

The receptionist that day was Tonya Fliflet. She was very rude during the check-out process. I had gotten bad news after bad news all day so I was an emotional wreck. Up to this point, I still had not seen my kitten and just wanted to go home with him in hand. I let Ms. Fliflet know that I only had $200 cash because I had intended on paying for the neutered appointment today so I gave her that. I don’t have a back up stash of money to pay the remainder at that moment. (Who would?)

She noted that I could either set up an account with them or apply for a credit card on her computer. I wasn’t comfortable doing either and knew that I needed to discuss this information and the charges with my boyfriend. I did not want my personal information stored on her computer, nor did I want to take out credit for something like this.

11902442_10153516622378363_8242090617302064252_nShe reiterated that she would not release my kitten to me without one or the other and asked for my bank account information and my social security number. I again noted that I wasn’t comfortable providing my information on a piece of paper. (It wasn’t an official document of any kind).

I ended up putting my information down because I was on the verge of tears and wanted to see my kitten. I felt incredibly violated. It was clear that Mr. Fliflet was used to playing with the emotions of a pet owner. She was incredibly unprofessional.

Additional Notes:

Frankie never did get neutered that day.

I was pleased with Dr. Meganau keeping me informed and explaining things in a language that I could understand. I am thankful and appreciative that he was taken care of and he is okay.

However, I do not know, because I do not have the knowledge in the field, if all the steps and charges taken were necessary to Frankie being okay nor if all the steps taken were protocol. (Should I have been asked if they can do x-rays and oxygen? Should I have been notified of prices prior to action being taken?)

I asked repeatedly the morning of, what could happen if things don’t go right? Would he be in pain? What kind of complications could arise? Would there be issues with the medication? I was reassured that “this is a routine procedure” and was not told of possible complications even when I asked.

I think that upon the very first visit at a new vet, payment options should be discussed in the event that something catastrophic happens. It is incredibly unfair and morally unjust to “hold” a pet from the owner after the pet and the owner suffered what Frankie went through.

My mom and boyfriend can both attest that I didn’t have a good feeling about this procedure going into it. I was worried that something would go wrong and was frustrated when everyone told me it’ll be okay. I usually am pretty good with listening to what my gut instinct tells me. I would encourage anyone that doesn’t feel right about a situation, to take your own word on it because you’re probably right.

Thank you for reading, thank you for the Frankie prayers, and thank you everyone that put up with me that day and the days following. Frankie is doing okay. He is still very tired and not himself yet. He’s on medication through next week. I’m confident that he’ll be back to himself in no time.

Always A Sister, Never A Friend

It sucks not being good enough. I guess it’s more frustrating than sucky. Time and time again I hear or see you complain about having no friends. Over and over and over. No one can relate to you, no one wants to hang out with you, no one has the same interests, no one likes this or no one likes that, ect.

Except me. I’m always available, always want to hang out, always here to listen. I’m open minded, my opinions can be changed with the proper explanation, I’ll always give you the truth even if it hurts your heart. I’m loyal, present, and hilarious. But I’m not good enough.

It’s tiring always trying and it’s tiring always seeing your “I have no friends” posts when you’re being just as selective as those you complain about. We all want friends, we all want someone out of our family circle to connect with, bond with; I get it. But don’t push away those that care just because you can. Because they’ll always be there when no one else is. Sometimes family is all your going to get.

Believe it or not, I too know what it’s like to have no friends and I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of “maybe another time” over and over and over. It’s annoying and eventually you’ll stop trying. What’s more important? Building your social circle and counting on no one or accepting the people already in your corner knowing that they aren’t budging no matter how much you push away?

Life’s not fair and people suck but at least you have a handful of really awesome people that “get” you more than you’ll ever know.

Mental Illness & Its Sidekick: Social Media

I hope that few or even none will ask for the password to the previous post in which I wrote. It is full of hurt, frustration and ignorance. But to bring light to a negative situation, I wanted to share with you a quote that I came across a few days ago:

“I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.” -Charles Dickens

To fill you in.. I have a hard time understanding and even believing that mental illnesses exist in the lives of many. Before you snap my head back, note what I said and I’ll reiterate it for those of you who didn’t catch it. I believe that mental illnesses exist. I believe that there are people in this world that suffer from an array of mental illnesses, of which, I pray and hope that they are able to obtain and receive the treatment and help that they need.

However, I don’t believe that everyone who claims to suffer from a mental illness does. And equally, I think there are people that have illnesses and out of denial, chose not to seek help.

But..

I’m so sick of people using various mental illnesses as excuses. As an excuse to stop something, to never complete tasks. An excuse to not work or function like a member of society. An excuse to give up. An excuse to hurt people and an excuse to be selfish. It’s sickening and I honestly think that it’s the reason I have an extreme lack of empathy for mental illness as whole. For those who (in my opinion) abuse the severity of mental illnesses.

Keep in mind that I do agree and believe that there are people who this affects greatly. People who literally cannot function appropriately. People who cannot overcome their illness even if they desired to.

But I do know people who can help themselves. People who Google search symptoms and self-diagnose. Anxiety, depression, bi-polar; those of you who do not suffer from it in a mentally debilitating way, stop for the love of everything holy, using it as an excuse. You’re not helping yourself or society. Just because you had a bad day or a bad week does not mean you are mentally sick.

If you seriously do suffer from a mental illness and can get help, get fucking help. If you are given options to stop hurting yourself and those around you, fucking get help. Stop being selfish, stop looking for pity, stop making excuses. Get. Help.


And this brings me back to my original quote. Although I don’t understand and may never, I do want to applaud the family members of those who are consistently being there for their loved ones with mental illnesses. Without you, those suffering may have no one in their corner. If you haven’t already, and even if you have, please never ever stop encouraging them to get help for themselves and for those around them.

“I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.” -Charles Dickens

After reading what I wrote, some of it might contradict itself but it’s still worth sharing.  This post isn’t about those truly suffering from a mental illness. The only reason I brought this to light is because I recently witnessed a mental illness “down” and it gave me a new perspective. I viewed someone I’ve watched grow up my whole life, totally differently and it made me question everything I did and didn’t know about mental illnesses.

This post is about those that “brag” on social media that they can’t do this and can’t do that because of anxiety. Those that look for pity and claim to suffer from major depression because their car died on the side of the road. Those that give mental illness a bad name and take away from the severity of what is really on the table.

Rebublican Debate

I thought I’d share a little light reading before tonight’s Republican Debate. I’ve never really been much interested in politics. I try to have a general idea of world news but the news always seems to be filled with war this, nuclear that, Middle East what?

I also have a hard time believing that I can make a change. I am active as a voter and put an alright effort into researching the running candidates but I’m never going to be in a position to have a political argument and have the facts to back me up. It just doesn’t interest me enough to know.

With that being said, I do follow closely on the topics that matter to me. While I’m sure the war and the nuclear jargon and all this boring jazz is what I’m supposed to focus on; I don’t bother. I can’t keep my mind clear enough to hardly get through an article about it. Believe me I’ve tried.

Even though I’m a novice in the political world — I do think it is important to have an idea of what all the running candidates stand for. Even though I typically have more liberal beliefs; I give everyone a chance in the power to win me over.

If you have time before tonight’s debate, check out a few of the Q & A’s theSkimm sent me yesterday. This was a great read from theSkimm because they talk in my language. Easy to read and straight to the point. However, Donald didn’t bother submitting anything to theSkimm so I guess he’s off my list.

Joking.

But not really. He’s a sleaze bag and that’s not a fact I obtained from anywhere; it’s just a feeling and I trust feelings.

Growing Up

One of my favorite people (I have a lot of favorite people) is Ben Haggerty, better known as Macklemore. This post won’t be long. I don’t need to tell you in detail what he’s done for music or for people. If you don’t know, it’s all over the internet. He’s made people dance and cry, created an anthem for a community, said what we’ve all been thinking, and proven that no matter how hard the struggle; you can always overcome it.

He, along with Ryan Lewis and Ed Sheeran just released his new single, Growing Up (Sloane’s Song) today. And he nailed it. As soon as I heard of it, I thought of my youngest brother. He recently found out he’s going to be a dad himself. He’s young and he’s still trying to figure out who he is. But he’s going to be an amazing father regardless of the journey that’s in front of him. This is for him. I love you, Lo.

Macklemore also wrote a letter along with the release of the song. You can read that, listen to, and download the song for free here: Growing Up (Sloane’s Song) Congratulations to the Haggerty’s on your littlest bundle of joy!

What’s on your mind?

I’m feeling like I have a (hopefully short term) writers block. I’ve been going on short Twitter spurts but nothing too exciting. Well, maybe they are. Here’s what I’ve been thinking about:

1. I ‘Ate My Life: I know I’ve mentioned it already like 5 times but this is my newest venture and I’m already stru-strugglin’. The more people that follow me on this LONG journey, the better. More people to follow up with and prove that I can in fact, do this! Check out I ‘Ate My Life here.

2. Cecil the Lion: Okay so I agree that big game hunting with no intention of using the meat for food and only for trophy is stupid; I don’t really care about a lion that I’d never heard of. Everyone and their brother seems to be overly distraught. But let’s be honest, were you really into Cecil until yesterday when you heard of him? No, probably not. Hunting just for the thrill is annoying but so are people who pretend to care about things that they see on GMA. In case you’ve been out of the loop, here’s an article from ABC: Cecil the Lion

3. Pro-Life: I’m pro-life and not for the reasons you think. I understand that there are extreme situations where you’d seriously and morally have a scary and life altering decision to make. These cases usually revolve around rape or health dangers for the mother. In situations like that, I really feel that I can’t have an opinion because I’ve never been and hopefully never will be in that situation. I respect that in extreme situations, certain measures may have to be taken. However, most abortions are not the result of rape or health. What I don’t believe in or respect is the large percentage of girls and women who made a mistake and don’t want to deal with the consequence. I just can’t. Being a woman who wants children and wants a family, I can’t support something that will allow woman to willfully kill a baby. I’m not ignorant, I do know that there is a lot more to it than that. But in the most basic form of the topic, I’m pro-life. U.S. Abortion Statistics

4. Annoying People: I’m really tired of irritating and annoying people. Do they realize that they are annoying?

  • Exhibit A – Women who can’t walk in heels but do anyway. Why? You look stupid all wobbly and shit. And by the way, why are wedges coming back? They looked stupid in the 90’s and they look just as bad now. Maybe it’s because people can’t walk in them?
  • Exhibit B – Bicyclists on the road. WHY? I will hit you. You don’t have an engine or a license plate therefore you obviously don’t belong in the middle of the street. Better yet, you can’t even go the minimum 30 miles per hour. Get out of my way.
  • Exhibit C – Old people that don’t understand instant messaging. It’s INSTANT. If you sent it to me, I got it. It even has a “seen” option, it’s so advanced. Believe me, I got it. No need to check up on me to see if I got it. I. GOT. IT.

5. theSkimm: After designing newsletters at a former job, I realized that I love newsletters. Duh. They are short, sweet, and straight to the point. And being new to the Fargo area I’ve become a pro at signing up for newsletters. Anyway, I get my “world news” from theSkimm. It’s written in my millennial lingo, makes me laugh (sometimes) and gives me what I need to know in case some world news weirdo wants to chat. Sign up for a daily newsletter here: theSkimm

That’s about it I suppose. What’s on your mind this week?

Blog Update

Hello faithful few. I’m just about done updating my blog. If you take a few minutes to navigate through; you’ll see some new editions in the tab area. It’s called organization. I’ve linked my “I ‘Ate My Life” blog, added a quotes page for the days you need a little extra motivation in life, and compiled the few series pieces I’ve done, together.

I’m pretty proud of how it’s turning out. I have yet to figure out how I want to display my photography. I like the collage type look that I see a lot of newer blogs have but I can’t seem to figure out how to do that on a page alone. I’ll get there. Also, I just realized that I should probably update my “About Ori” page. I wrote that about a year and a half ago and while it’s a part of me, I’d like to think that I’ve evolved a bit since then.

I’m also debating on whether or not I should update the layout. I like what I have going but there are a lot of sweet new layouts by WordPress. I’ll keep you updated!

Work Song

It’s crazy how music makes you feel. I popped in my Hozier CD this morning. Yes, I still listen to CD’s. Old school, I know. I haven’t listened to it since I moved from Bemidji and I bought it when I lived in Bemidji. Talk about nostalgia.

I seriously didn’t think I was there long enough to even miss it but when I listen to Hoizer all I feel and see is the scenery of Bemidji. I spent hours and hours just driving around the country surrounding Bemidji to get a glimpse of water or to go up and down the rolling hills and seeing the trees so close to the roads. It was magnificent.

I miss that, I really do. It’s a good feeling of nostalgia though. I liked Bemidji as a geographical area but that’s kind of it. Everything surrounding was beautiful but I just couldn’t see myself putting stakes into the ground there. But, whenever I listen to Hozier, I’ll always think of you, Bemidji.

I ‘Ate My Life

Alright, here it is. I’m starting a weight-loss blog. I know, I know. Just like everyone else. I don’t care if it’s been done a million times before, I’m ready to do it. And I’ve only recently realized that it takes a lot of balls to do this. Since deciding a few days ago, I’ve gone from one extreme to the next in putting this thing together.

I’ve been ignoring Channing for the last few hours digging deep into the depths of social media and my newest venture so I’m going to leave you with the link and let you explore from there. I hope that you find what I have to share now and in the future helpful because I’m scared out of my mind. Click here to read: I ‘Ate My Life

Vote Now!

I’ll share more information by the end of this week but right now I’m positing a poll to see which title name I should go with for my newest venture. In short, I’m creating a weight loss journey blog and I need your help choosing a name! Please feel free to submit using the survey below or click here for a link. This poll isn’t going to be open for long. Thank you!

Star Light, Star Bright..

I just want to travel, take photographs, write, and make my Pinterest boards come true for a living. If I were given the opportunity tomorrow to successfully do any combination of those, I wouldn’t even blink an eye. I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.

Happy 4th of July!

10985043_10153395171998363_4414178062167023536_nAll in all, this year’s 4thof July was pretty “decent” as quoted by Bubbles of Trailer Park Boys. We ventured up north (way north) to Warroad, MN. Historically, Warroad on the 4th of July, is one of my favorite places to be. From when I was a kid chasing candy thrown from the parade to family reunions to the best of memories with friends and loved ones, it’s a place of nostalgia and goodness.

11169475_10153395153128363_6627320951989960699_nThis year, we took part in the Foster Family Reunion and camped out in our tent. I’ve decided that I feel indifferent about reunions. I am kind of excited for them – to see people that I know I’m related to and kind of know about but never see. But at the same time, I’m like “eh” because I usually end up talking to the people that I normally see like my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandma.

I know it probably sounds anti-social but I really have no desire to initiate in small talk or catch up with extended family because we don’t really know each other and probably won’t stay in touch any more than some kid I went to school with that I haven’t seen since graduation day. Apparently, I inherited my mom’s observational gene rather than my aunt Angie’s social butterfly personality.

It was still alright though. I had fun spending time with my cousins and got some much needed vitamin D. We were rained out on Saturday night though so my hope of a relaxing firework show wasn’t in the cards. We packed up our tent as quick as we could and headed over to my grandma’s house (with 16 of my beloved relatives) and waited out the storm. Happy (belated) 4th of July!

P.S. I designed the Foster Family Reunion t-shirts on CustomInk.com. They have awesome customer service and an easy to navigate website. I will definitely order from them again. The only thing I was bummed out on (because I’m a perfectionist) was that the larger the size, the graphic size stayed the same. I think the graphic could have been a little larger on some of the bigger sizes.

Love God. Love People. Period.

I really really do try to see both sides of every story or situation but sometimes I can’t hold my tongue. Since the AMAZING history making announcement Friday, I’ve found myself defending more than celebrating the glorious news. The thing is, same-sex marriage at this point in my life, really, doesn’t effect me at all. I’m not gay. I don’t have gay siblings. I’m not super close invite-me-to-your-wedding close with any gay people that I know but I find myself having this need to defend an enormous and welcoming society of people. The same society I come from. A society that doesn’t even need defending because there shouldn’t have to be anything to defend but there is.

I’m often politically incorrect and I can have pretty skewed opinions but I’m sorry; I can’t wrap my head around the “Christians” who spew hate towards the [God-forbid] idea that two men or two woman or a transgender human BEING are allowed to marry one other. It makes me want to scream every time I scroll through my newsfeed and see the ignorance or the hate or the preaching Christian quoting bible verses.

Of course, I’m nosey. I can’t just ignore a post and keep scrolling. I really do want to “understand” the other side of the opinion. I can’t even tell you how many posts or videos or info-graphics I’ve viewed. I can’t deal. My mouth dropped when I started watching the video posted below. And this doesn’t include the post that went along with the sharing of the video. It doesn’t include the comments of the people I went to school with. The kids I attended Sunday school with. How can so many of us have been taught the same thing every Sunday and then in high school every Wednesday, feel and believe so differently? Nature verses nurture? Really? What the video below does include is how incredibly ignorant I am to not see that the world really can never be full of peace and love and happiness and acceptance.

Two gay, married women [or men] don’t contribute to society? Are you kidding me? They work just as hard if not harder than anyone else. They participate in community projects and fundraising efforts. Same-sex couples welcome and raise and love and cherish children in their lives every day. They are successful. They are moms and dads all rolled into one. Same-sex couples are college educated and pay their bills. They go on trips and I bet they’ve even sat next to your gay-hating butt at the airport. They don’t contribute to society? What kind of meth are you cooking? 

I don’t have the ability to hold my composure watching this video. This isn’t the worst one I’ve seen. It’s not the worst thing I’ve read. But I’ve had enough. There are clearly either multiples Gods in the universe or this is some kind of extreme pre-Revelations type test because “MY” God loves everyone. 

And if you’re not a Christian and you still have an “issue” with same-sex … anything. Why? Explain it to me. I’m mostly ranting about the Christian following because that’s where all the negative I’m seeing is coming from. I have a wide array of people on multiple social media platforms and the only disgust I’m seeing is from those with a firm and clearly pounded into Christian pavement belief complex. There are so many religions in this world. So many opinions. So many followers and believers. So much of everything. Do we have nothing in common? Is love and acceptance for everyone too much to ask for? Love God. Love People. Period.

Vagabond by MisterWives

Everything is fine but nothing is okay. I’m filled and surrounded by love yet alone all at the same time. It doesn’t make sense. C’est la vie, I guess. Anyway; this is on repeat. One of my favorite songs as of late and it’s cool because it’s relatable regardless of your current mood, situation, or the weather outside. Enjoy.

#ProudToLove

This. This is why people fight so hard. I’ve already seen one too many posts on my Facebook feed throwing the Bible in the faces of those so happy about today’s history making decision.

I’m not perfect. I’m judgmental and have issues with people for the worst reasons but under my “hard” judgmental hat, I give a shit about the basic rights of people for Christ’s sake.

Black, white, native, or Asian; if you commit a crime, you should be treated equally. If you want a job, you should be treated the same as your competition. Color shouldn’t be a part of the equation.

Same goes for the LGBT community. You’re a gay male and have the education and experience to be the VP of advertising? Have at it. Mary loves Jane? Fine by me.

I was raised in a Catholic church. I believe in God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I pray nearly every day. I ask for angels to watch over my family and friends. To keep them safe and happy and healthy. I pray for good things to come and for my sins and hurtful words or actions to be forgiven.

There is a God. And he will listen and answer any prayer no matter who you are. God is all knowing and all loving. All accepting and always available with open arms.

You don’t have to understand “gay people” (which by the way I’m sure is offensive) but you don’t need to persecute them either. Reciting Bible verses that are interpreted just about as well as the terms in any lawyer written document doesn’t make you better in the eyes of God.

We are all sinners. We’ve all said hurtful things, thought hurtful thoughts, and acted on hurtful actions. But love? That’s not a sin.

The worst interpretation of a Bible verse that I’ve ever come across says something about having feelings for the same sex happens but acting on them is the sin. So what about those that can’t “act” on their feelings? They sit in solitude and resort to a life of depression over the feeling that they will never love or be loved the way straight couples can? Being gay isn’t any more about sex and drugs than any heterosexual relationship is. This movement, this fight; it’s about love. L. O. V. E. Love. And love won.

If you “don’t get it” that’s fine. Just move on. Be positive; be passionate in all the other good things the world has to offer. Let go of something you don’t understand and let God handle it. #ProudToLove