I know when people talk about me. Although, I’d like to be one of those strong individuals that say they don’t give a shit what people say, I’m not one of them. I do give a shit. It’s weird. I can’t really explain it. You’ll hear that so and so thinks someone is talking about them but it’s all in their head. They’re just being silly. It’s like some kind of intuitive feeling. Like a disgusting knot that can’t be undone in the pit of my stomach. It’s the feeling you get when something bad is going to happen or when you lie and feel guilty about it. That feeling. That’s the feeling I get when I know. Call me silly if you must but if you don’t have that sense, than I guess you just can’t relate.
I never know what it’s about though. I’m not psychic or anything. It could be about anything. Maybe I was a bitch yesterday or why I’m so quiet today. It could be about my sloppy choice of clothes because I just didn’t give a fuck this morning. Maybe I smell because not giving a fuck in the morning clearly starts with no shower. Maybe I give off a bad vibe. Who knows.
Regardless, it’s frustrating. I’m no saint. I talk shit too. We all do. But when it’s you, it just seems to sting a little worse. Bummer, huh.
There are certain people who I want to say I “deal” with on a daily basis. Sometimes it’s just too much. It’s really a frustrating experience being one of a few people who actually “get it.” Who really understand what has to be done, how it has to be done, and when. And when you’re metaphorically forced to shift your day around a person that just simply is incapable of meeting your intellectual standards, it really fucking blows.
There are so many ill-noted things I could say right now that I just want to scream. I hate having such bitchy and catty thoughts in my head. I honestly consider myself a nice person. I care about the people in my life. I help where and when needed. I do my best when it comes to my job and my home-life. Yet, when people other than me are faced with the same situations and are either incapable of doing them just as good and just as correct or just as timely as me, than I form some kind of anger towards said person. There are times that I just want to grab people by their shoulders and shake them. Yelling at them over and over asking them if they are fucking retarded.
And if you’re going to have an issue with my use of retarded than you can shut this down right now. If you’re from America and you speak English, you should know by now that there are many words with multiples meanings. When I say that I’m a very anal person. You wouldn’t jump to thinking that I enjoy receiving anal would you? It means I’m anal-retentive.
The same goes with the words gay, retarded, and tear. In the case where I first mentioned the “R” word about a paragraph and a half ago, if you chose to set aside your sensitive feelings, you know I was referring to someone who is more than stupid. Someone that is more than dumb. I suppose I could have used such words as senseless or simple-minded but sometimes when you’re about ready to collapse in tears, you should be able to use the words that come to your mind.
I wasn’t, as some of you may be offended by, referring to a mentally handicapped person. Can we continue now?
What it comes down to is enough should be enough. If I had the authority and balls, I would make some changes that involve my day-to-day life. Granted I am making a few personal changes which feel great but there are aspects, as we all have day-to-day, that we are not in control of.
It’s funny really. It’s funny how people can get away with so much. How one person can commit a terrible crime and gets away with it while the victim gets tossed hand over foot through the legal system getting fucked in the ass by the state. It’s hilarious how people can get away with the bare minimum and slide through write-ups. Giggling away and thinking they are doing a good job when any blind person can see that in fact, they are not.
That’s life I guess. As unfair as it’ll always be.