Some days go by so fast that I’m not ready for them to be over. Some weeks I have more things to do, more plans, more people than I know what to do with. Sometimes I wonder when the last time I had a night or two of nothing to give myself a minute to breathe. Some nights I don’t even remember what it was like to be with someone because my days and nights and mornings are filled with pleasant distractions.

And then some nights.. I feel like I’m the only one in this world that is alone. The only one that doesn’t have a person. No one to turn to, no one to have lunch or dinner with, no one to go to an event with or to seek advice from. No one to share my successes or shortcomings with; or selflessly love me regardless of the comment that comes out of my mouth next. No one is there to send stupid memes to or literally chill while watching Netflix. No one is around to be on my side always, to love me forever, to know me better than I know myself, to get me the way I get them. I feel so much for so many people all of the time but I’m afraid no one in this world will ever feel ‘so much’ for me.

And if you’re asking, the answer is no, I don’t miss him anymore. Each month that passes, my eyes are more open to the red flags that lingered around far too long. But I do miss the companionship, the personal cheerleader, the presence of another human. I miss knowing that I could say and feel and act however I wanted and I wouldn’t be looked at the way a stranger would look at me. I wouldn’t be judged or questioned or ridiculed the way a friend or family member would judge or question or ridicule me. I miss knowing that I had a person. A non-perfect in nearly every way, but a person nonetheless.

The emptiness and void doesn’t seem to go away. Perhaps it’s masked by all the “stuff” I have going on in the spurts of too busy to think but when the slow times come; when nothing is happening and no one is around.. it hurts. All of it, everything.. hurts. The feeling of standing still while everyone else, everything else is moving on.. it’s so real and it feels as if there’s all this noise around but eerily silent at the same time.

Some days I say goodbye to everyone at work come 5:00 and don’t say another word until ‘good mornings’ 15 hours later. Some weeks I wish people would do what I wanted to do or say what I needed to hear instead of it always being the other way around. Sometimes my tears are too big and the room is too dark. Some nights I wonder if I’ll ever feel better.

About This Post: For so long I’ve been writing in a personal draft without publishing anything. It’s nearly 20 pages long. Full of ramblings and sadness; memories that are good, bouts of depression from both sides.. Moments I knew it should’ve been over, doubts I had never said aloud. From day one, I’ve had so much to say but didn’t dare say it thinking if I at least get it down and out, I’ll feel better. Similar to the concept of writing something down and burning it forever. It doesn’t work. I didn’t want to hurt anyone or damage anything by writing it out on a blog that I’m sure no one reads. But the more that time passes, the only person I’m damaging at this point by keeping all of it in, is myself. Thank you for reading. More to come, probably.

What’s on your mind?

I’m feeling like I have a (hopefully short term) writers block. I’ve been going on short Twitter spurts but nothing too exciting. Well, maybe they are. Here’s what I’ve been thinking about:

1. I ‘Ate My Life: I know I’ve mentioned it already like 5 times but this is my newest venture and I’m already stru-strugglin’. The more people that follow me on this LONG journey, the better. More people to follow up with and prove that I can in fact, do this! Check out I ‘Ate My Life here.

2. Cecil the Lion: Okay so I agree that big game hunting with no intention of using the meat for food and only for trophy is stupid; I don’t really care about a lion that I’d never heard of. Everyone and their brother seems to be overly distraught. But let’s be honest, were you really into Cecil until yesterday when you heard of him? No, probably not. Hunting just for the thrill is annoying but so are people who pretend to care about things that they see on GMA. In case you’ve been out of the loop, here’s an article from ABC: Cecil the Lion

3. Pro-Life: I’m pro-life and not for the reasons you think. I understand that there are extreme situations where you’d seriously and morally have a scary and life altering decision to make. These cases usually revolve around rape or health dangers for the mother. In situations like that, I really feel that I can’t have an opinion because I’ve never been and hopefully never will be in that situation. I respect that in extreme situations, certain measures may have to be taken. However, most abortions are not the result of rape or health. What I don’t believe in or respect is the large percentage of girls and women who made a mistake and don’t want to deal with the consequence. I just can’t. Being a woman who wants children and wants a family, I can’t support something that will allow woman to willfully kill a baby. I’m not ignorant, I do know that there is a lot more to it than that. But in the most basic form of the topic, I’m pro-life. U.S. Abortion Statistics

4. Annoying People: I’m really tired of irritating and annoying people. Do they realize that they are annoying?

  • Exhibit A – Women who can’t walk in heels but do anyway. Why? You look stupid all wobbly and shit. And by the way, why are wedges coming back? They looked stupid in the 90’s and they look just as bad now. Maybe it’s because people can’t walk in them?
  • Exhibit B – Bicyclists on the road. WHY? I will hit you. You don’t have an engine or a license plate therefore you obviously don’t belong in the middle of the street. Better yet, you can’t even go the minimum 30 miles per hour. Get out of my way.
  • Exhibit C – Old people that don’t understand instant messaging. It’s INSTANT. If you sent it to me, I got it. It even has a “seen” option, it’s so advanced. Believe me, I got it. No need to check up on me to see if I got it. I. GOT. IT.

5. theSkimm: After designing newsletters at a former job, I realized that I love newsletters. Duh. They are short, sweet, and straight to the point. And being new to the Fargo area I’ve become a pro at signing up for newsletters. Anyway, I get my “world news” from theSkimm. It’s written in my millennial lingo, makes me laugh (sometimes) and gives me what I need to know in case some world news weirdo wants to chat. Sign up for a daily newsletter here: theSkimm

That’s about it I suppose. What’s on your mind this week?

25 Hours & 7 Minutes.

My patience is absolutely fried. I’m so overly excited to being doing something different next week that I can’t hardly stand it! And on the other hand, I can’t wait until I get back to normal because some things in my day-to-day life definitely need to be addressed pronto. Friday at 5:01 can’t come soon enough. Cheers to me!

My Memorial Day Weekend Was Memorable.

10410096_10152414310318363_1536059176270689246_nAs you can see, I haven’t blogged in a good two or so weeks. I don’t know where to start. We went on what I’d call our ‘first real vacation’ over the holiday weekend. I’ve been to a few places before. My parents, boyfriend, and I went to Eau Claire over Labor Day last year so I suppose I should also classify that as a vacation too but..anyways.

10308161_10152414310113363_7604619791352627641_n“C” and I went to Duluth, MN for a nice 4-day getaway. Set aside the backseat driving, our time there, during, and back was absolutely wonderful. On Friday, we didn’t have anything planned since we took our time to get there so we mosied our way down and through Canal Park. This is officially one of my most favorite places in the little bit of the world that I’ve seen. It was almost movie like. Kids were rushing with melting ice cream cones to watch the ships enter the harbor. A little old man was feeding seagulls bread. Tourists were gawking over the lighthouse at the end of the strip. The temperature was 72 degrees with a breeze.

10169411_10152418652473363_927707804006529661_nOn Saturday, we toured the well-known Glensheen mansion and took a cruise aboard the Vista Fleet. With my camera acting as a necklace, I couldn’t stop snapping memories one by one. Don’t worry, I made sure to cherish the moments as well. I know that some people will tell you to live in the moment which is great advice and I like to live by that. 10363843_10152418651168363_3801365417157104304_n But moments aren’t forever. They fade. They are lost. Days, weeks, and years drift by so quickly that we could never expect our minds to remember the little things. Those moments are the ones I photograph. I don’t need to remember my face or his on those days. I don’t need to remember the breeze on my back. But I do and I will need to remember the view. The images that I see will always bring me back to the moments even when I’m old and wrinkly.

To end a beautiful day on the water, we ventured to Enger Park. It’s at the tip-top part of the Duluthian hills. You can see it from Lake Superior as a little thimble at the top of a hill but when you’re up there, after your ears have popped, and you’ve climbed the six flights of stairs, you feel like you’re on top of the world. It’s absolutely breathtaking. To be able to take in North Shore to the Areial Lift Bridge on Canal Park, out into the emptiness of Lake Superior, over the railroad tracks and to Wisconsin is just beautiful. There isn’t any other way to describe it other than that. Simple and peaceful. Life isn’t so hard when you’re on top of a hill looking at all there is to offer.


1554408_10152418647558363_7867321417357191154_nSunday, oh Sunday. It was an adventure to say the least. We traveled about 45 minutes to the north of Duluth along the scenic North Shore route 61. Our first stop was Gooseberry Falls. And to sum it up in one word: breathtaking. I know it sounds like I’m repeating myself adjectivally throughout this post but everything really was “that amazing!” Gooseberry Falls is one of those places that everyone should have on their Bucket Lists. Once you make your way through the little bit of a hike to get there, you’re presented with children and families embracing all the Falls have to offer. It’s gorgeous. We sat on a few rocks right near the underside of the falls and just listened to the water crashing below. 10406759_10152418655333363_957176214802948853_nI sat quietly observing the children playing and the adventure seekers climbing the cliffs. I watched as a man and his dog fitted with booties hopped from rock to rock. We climbed our way down to the “rapids” and slowly but surely took a walk through the water, over the slippery rocks. Feeling the pressure on our ankles and calfs, moving against the current. Moments like those are the ones you smile at while looking into the nothingness off your deck after a long day at work. It was something that I hope to never forget. We would love to make another trip to eastern Minnesota just to see these again.

10312838_10152418653823363_4341966486862979581_nReady for another awe-inspiring view? Split Rock Lighthouse is only about 10 minutes from Gooseberry Falls. How can two of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen be so close in proximity? Jackpot! Lighthouses are my weakness. Really anything sea or ship related to be quite frank. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the history or the mystery. Whatever it may be, bring me to a lighthouse, show me something with an anchor on it and we’ll be best friends until the end.

10298877_10152414309893363_3234319371217711934_nThis past weekend was filled with so much love and laughter, that I can’t even express it in a blog post but I have learned one thing: ENJOY IT. I feel so often that I worry too much about the future and over-analyze my past. I compare myself to others constantly and am afraid that I’m not living my life to it’s full potential. I’m making a proactive effort to change my way of thinking. I’ve been reading so many “find yourself” articles lately, that I really do need to find myself before life continues to drift on by as quickly as it has been. Screw what everyone else is doing. I don’t want my biggest regret to be worrying about everyone and everything else, not going on those trips or spending that money. Not buying that lake property. Not moving to that city and getting that promotion.

So, after a long awaited much deserved (if I do say so myself) vacation to Duluth, MN – live it up people. Make memories with those you love. Take pictures. Take tons of pictures. Laugh, slip, fall down, and get back up. Climb that extra flight to get to the top. Fight for your happiness and make damn sure that smile is real.10309209_10152414281593363_8809544577189953159_n

Much love. -Oar

I Need To Find My Zen.

The day is young and I can already tell it’s going to be a long one. A day where I will have to constantly hold my tongue to ensure that I don’t give someone a piece of my mind in their pity-seeking lives.

It started off optimistic. I hit snooze twice but you’ll be glad to hear that I did get up and stretch for about 15 minutes. I wouldn’t call it yoga because I don’t think that I have the patience for yoga but that 15 minutes is more than I’ve accomplished in quite some time. I will shoot for doing “more” tomorrow. And since it’s nice out today, I’d like to head to one of the area parks, camera in tow and see what I can find.

But that’s really as far as the positivity chose to shine in the little world of mine. We waited for 45 minutes before my significant others co-worker decided to show up and unlock the door. Yay me for putting on extra perfume and deodorant today. Gross.

We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world. – Helen Keller

On my way to work some long stockinged (it’s a word today) cap hippy decided that he was superior and didn’t have to follow cross walk signs. Seriously, the “stocking cap” was literally down to his ankles. He looked like a fool. I had the green and he had the universal hand which in case your an imbecile pedestrian reading this – it means to stop. Check for traffic at the absolute minimum but nevertheless, stop. Thank God I didn’t run into him but his profanities and notorious middle finger were more annoying rather than anything. Really, fuck me? Fuck you for being illiterate.

And since then, there’s a situation that is unavoidable in my day to day that I just can’t stand. I don’t really care about this persons predicament at all which probably makes me an asshole but if you make my life more difficult than it really needs to be, chances are, I’m not a fan of yours. Suck it up, people have been through the same shit and they don’t seek pity twenty-four Goddamn seven.

zen21If my mom were sitting right next to me, she would tell me something along the lines of: “You are in charge of your own happiness. It’s your choice to be crabby today.” She’s right, like always. But man people sure make it difficult to brush off.

Here’s to the next 7 hours of sanity, positive thinking, and not letting other people’s problems phase me. How’s your day?

Happiness, like unhappiness, is a proactive choice. – Stephen Covey

I Am A Social Hobbit.

Does anyone know what a social hobbit is? I’ve brought it up in random conversation over the last few years and I always get stopped mid-sentence. “Wait, what?” No matter how I explain it, you won’t get it. Some kind of made up, weird way of thinking term I’m sure you’ll conclude. A social hobbit could be someone that internalizes things. Someone that is not being social in a social setting. It could mean the crabby kid in the corner or your dad on the couch at Christmas when he doesn’t want to play a board game. In 10th grade, my best friends name was Sam. I don’t know when exactly or what was going on in our lives but at some point, sometime in that year, the term social hobbit was coined by her. History lesson of the day, folks. Spread the word.

Over the weekend, I was able to cross off one of my bucket list items: A Pub Crawl. Considering that the only time I’ve ever gone “out” since my 21st birthday three years ago had been the creeper infested dive bar in Thief River a few times – this was the Hollywood party of parties in my short lived inexperienced bar life. I guess I had gone to The Hub in Fargo and been to a few concerts but I never did the whole drink until you blackout thing. By the time I turned 21, I was out of college and barely making it paycheck to paycheck so I really didn’t have the opportunity I guess you could say but that’s a whole other story.

Anyways, it was a great time. Our goal was to reach all 10 bars on the list by 6:00 PM so naturally we started at 11:30 in the morning. Believe me, it’s nothing to brag about! I went with some co-workers and a few of them also brought friends along. I won’t bore you with the classic alcohol induced stories but I’ll chalk it up to a good experience. It really was a great time. I met new people, everyone out and about was so warm and welcoming. I’m sure that the green beer helped with the unusual amount of friendliness but nevertheless, I enjoyed it.


I didn’t get sloshed. I started coming down with a cold on Friday so I knew that I didn’t want to go all out. I wasn’t interested in spending $100 on booze and was conscious of the fact that I was downtown on a Saturday so I wanted to be aware of my surroundings. I found myself asking my inner voice if that’s weird. Was I being overly conscious? Am I really becoming an old maid because I don’t want to live like the world is my oyster? Deep down I was worried that I’d lose my keys, wallet, and ID. I was worried that my phone would die and I wouldn’t be able to call a taxi. I was worried that I’d spend more money than I wanted to. I was worried that I’d drink until I passed out cold.

None of those things have ever happened to me so why was I so aware of it? Through reflection from my first and probably only pub crawl experience, I had to remind myself that I’m more of an observer than a participant. Although I had a wonderful time I felt like I was on the outside of this secret invisible sheet of people. It brought me back to feeling like I was the outsider that got invited to the popular kids party.

It was almost like watching the huge party scene in The Great Gatsby. You felt like you were there but you really weren’t. You were just watching it from someone else’s point of view. It’s odd isn’t it? I wonder if this is a thing; if other people think like this. In a screwed up way, this has always prevented me from truly fitting in. I’ve had so many great moments and people in my life but I’ve always overanalyzed and over-thought every single detail of every single thing.

Somewhere inside it’s actually quite amazing. My mini-me hiding deep in my thought center keeps me safe but it also limits how I act and react in a social setting. I should visit with my mom and see if she had ever noticed this when I was a child and/or how I acted when I was in groups with other children.

All in all, I think it’s pretty cool that I crossed off a bucket list item even if some people had done so within hours hitting their big 21. Even though I doubt half of the people will remember the shy girl hanging around on Saturday night; I’ll never forget any of them. Their lives remind me of those having the time of their lives. Living in the moment, loving life, and experiencing everything. Kudos to being memorable!

Are you an observer or a participant? I’d love to hear your thoughts and feedback!