Humdrum.

My name is Orianah but most people call me Ori. Actually, everyone does and if you don’t, than we probably don’t know each other. I remember wanting my name to be Emily for so many years. I knew an Emily and  I envied her. She had the typical Roseau look; blonde hair and blue eyes. She played basketball and was popular. She even had THE last name. For those from a small town, I’m sure you know what I mean by that.

Instead of being named and being born with what I saw as the ideal life of a 3rd grader; I was named Orianah. I was a pudgy ginger with Harry Potter glasses before Harry Potter glasses were deemed cool. I wore Pamida brand clothes and was teased like a son of a bitch. Some kid in second grade called me a fag once. I was one of those kids that were bullied from 1st grade all the way through 9th. And after that, I didn’t let my ears hear the comments but my eyes still saw the looks.

So what. I was bullied and I dealt with it. I have insecurities but I’ve made peace with the assholes of my past. What goes around comes around is the way I see it and to be quite honest, if something shitty happened or happens to them throughout their lives, I have zero remorse or empathy for them. Call me a bad person if you must.

Someone told me in my adult life that they were just kids. That they didn’t know any better so I shouldn’t hold a grudge. I think I’ve overcome the grudge part. But that doesn’t mean that their hurtful childhood remarks didn’t phase me. It doesn’t mean that I’ll be able to conveniently “forget.”

I rambled a bit too much on that topic. I was thinking last night about biographies and how our biographies always seem to change depending on who we’re around. For example – If I were asked to write a short bio about myself for a company newsletter at work, obviously I wouldn’t write what I wrote above. It would begin something like this:

My name is Orianah, but everyone calls me Ori. I was born and raised in Roseau, MN and moved to Viking during my freshman year of high school I have two brothers, a mom, and a dad.

The classic humdrum that we all already know. So, what’s the opening paragraph to your bio? Does it change depending on who you’re presenting it to? Does it change throughout your lifetime? I know mine does.

What Do You Do When Dreams Don’t Come True?

When is everything going to seem real? I’ve dreamt about getting married and starting a family of my own for as long as I can remember but it hasn’t happened to me yet. Everyone around me, old classmates, extended family, ect. – They are making and starting their own personal, self-contained lives. Starting futures with each other, raising babies, graduating with their masters degrees. But not me.

It’s funny because even though I “want” it so bad it seems like there’s a reason that my turn per se, hasn’t come around on the merry go round of life. It’s weird. I want to be a wife but what does a wife do that I don’t already do? I want to be a mom but I can’t picture a baby in my tummy or arms yet. I want to own a beautiful house with a giant yard and a big shaggy dog but I don’t see that dream as a reality financially. It’s like my dream life is just that; a dream. As if there’s no possibility of it being real because I can’t “feel” it happening.

When everyone else around me is planning their weddings, bachelorette parties, baby showers, and Caribbean cruises; I wonder what they are feeling. Do they feel like it isn’t real? Or was it just on their docket of life goals and they are checking them off?

In turn, I’ve also heard my whole life that..as much as you absolutely “want” something, it’ll never happen until you stop focusing on it. A woman wanting a baby, doesn’t get pregnant. It causes martial problems or divorce. She starts a new fresh life in a new city. She focuses on herself. She’s happy with the cards that she was dealt but then gets knocked up after a one night stand. And that once desired life dream is now an “oopsie.”

Obviously, that’s a drastic example but that’s how it feels to me. The people that I used to know or have many memories with lead totally different lives today. And although I have a wonderful job, loving boyfriend, and a semi-decent bank account – it still feels like I’m living the same life I was 10 years ago.

I’m nowhere near owning a house, let alone knowing which area I want to raise my future family in. The marriage wheel has been on a plateau for years and even though I want to go back to school, what the hell would I go for so that it financially pays off? That white-picket fence and children laughing while running through the sprinkler truly does feel like a dream. Just a dream.

So let me ask you, life-livers: When the big life moments do happen, does it feel real? Was your wedding the most special day of your life pre-children? Do you second guess the money it is going to cost you when you vacation out of country? Have you ever felt truly stuck or does life just magically happen to you?

Or am I the ugly duckling here? It’s as if I’m standing still, I’m the core. While the rest of the world is moving and evolving around me a million miles a minute.

Making Dreams Become Reality.

I’ve been day dreaming about lake homes lately. I don’t know if it’s just a built in fantasy coming from the land of 10,000 lakes or if it’s the pure serenity that comes from being at the lake. Regardless, the last few weeks of my life have led me to Google searching in all my free time. I’ve been looking at both the realistic possibilities and the true make believe wishes in my head. They’re all beautiful.

lakehome

I sometimes wonder if I messed up along the way. And if so, was there any way I could have altered my path? I’m not saying that everyone needs to have a 4+ year degree of college to even think about owning some beautiful lake front property but someone like me..would. I didn’t go onto a 4 year school because I had no idea or direction of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had many of the same passions I do today but I just didn’t want to be that girl that switched her major 14 times.

Sure, it probably would have payed off but at the time, I didn’t think it was practical. It still isn’t in my opinion but I might have been further down the road of adulthood than I am now. My mom sent me quote over the weekend: “Don’t let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.” written by Earl Nightingale.

And you know what? She’s right. Earl’s right. Whoever. I’ve been making excuses and contemplating for the last couple of years whether or not I should go back to school. I know that I’m bright and intelligent. I hold many great qualities the people in the work force are bound to admire but I’m not satisfied with myself. It doesn’t matter how many complements I get on my work or how proficient I am Monday through Friday, 8-5 because at the end of the day or the week when I have down time, I beat myself up at the lack of accomplishment in my life.

I have full confidence in myself knowing that if I’d been given the opportunity to land an amazing job at anywhere from a highly noted financial institution, to Twitter, to an accounting firm in New York City, that I’d excel at it. Given the world that we live in today though, you won’t even get a second look without a bachelors degree or higher.

Now, I’m not trying to lay myself out on a silver platter or anything, I just wanted to point out the obvious. And I’m right. There are actually people that I know personally who have graduated with honors from there respected universities, yet they know diddly squat in the place that they are beginning their career. Just because your name has a university degree stamped behind it means that you are right for the job?

Don’t get me wrong; I want to go back to school. I love learning and exploring. I want to flood my brain with endless knowledge. I want to cram for a test the next morning, write a 5 page essay. But in order to do that, I have to work. I have to work a full time job. I’m not privileged enough to work a 12 hour a week part time job nor would I want to be.

I graduated from a 2-year community college working 1 full time job and 2 part timers. It made me a strong, motivated person. But it also made me realize that I couldn’t have both. It’s either work or school. I had to decide if I wanted to see what I could find with my 2 year and if it would get me anywhere. Or I could have continued on, not knowing what to major in all the while keeping up with the dead end full time waitressing gig. Would it have paid off? It might have. If I would have continued on; I’d more than likely have been done by now but what would I be doing? Where would I be going?

My mom has offered the suggestion of night school and/or online classes for a couple years now. Although I’ve brushed it off in the past; I think I might have to take that advice just to get my foot in the door. I have many passions but none of which I can see myself making a career out of. The biggest of which is photography. I would love to learn more about the art. Become formally trained on various editing programs and such but it’s difficult to be truly successful at it seeing that everyone and their sister thinks they are photographers. I also wouldn’t want to put myself through another 3 years of school just to find when I’m done that I’d continue on to live in poverty until I have a portfolio the size of Delaware created just for people to book a session with me.

I know what I’m good at. I’m great with numbers and budgeting. I’m a planner and an organizer. I don’t forget, I’ll get things done no matter how busy or stressed I am. I have great work ethic and perfect any messy situation that I’m thrown into. In all the jobs I’ve ever held, none were like the other. I had all the ingredients and no recipe. I was given the bowl and spatula and made it work. I love the thrill in doing that. The timeline of day one to day 365 where you can still remember the first day of no knowledge to a year later and you could do it with your eyes closed.

But what does that all mean? That isn’t the formula to a career path, it’s just the frosting to the cake. The good stuff, it’s the extra added bonus to the degree behind your name.

penisula

It’s time to stop wishing and hoping and dreaming. I’m beginning to think that it’s time to make a damn change. Even if I take a few classes here or there that simply interest me, I really do think that I’ll feel more accomplished. Hell, at the very least I’ll be learning something new. I’m also bound and determined to make a change in our living situation. We’re tired of the apartment life. I’ve always hated it. White walls and noisy neighbors? The view of a black slab with 50 cars isn’t really what I would call peaceful.

If a mother of 2 can go back to college, work, maintain a happy family life and succeed in doing so than surely I should have the balls to give it a shot. I might not ever be fortunate enough to own a peninsula with 1700 feet of lake shore surrounding it but I will (mark my words, I will) own a beautiful home with a lake view one day.

What are you going to change to make your dreams become a reality? Better yet, what have you done in the past to find success now?