May You Live In Peace.

I want to post and finally have a few minutes to do so but I just don’t know what to say or to write about. Talk about a bummer.

I’ve recently started doing something brand new in my life. Actually, this kick-started on Saturday and began yesterday but now isn’t the time for me to discuss it. I’ll wait it out a bit to see if all engines are running smoothly.

Oh, we’re going back to the beautiful eastern shoreline of Minnesota. We haven’t decided when yet but an opportunity arose for us to jump on it. I’m thinking late July or sometime in August.

I’ve made a couple personal goals for the summer and so far they are going great. The last two summers haven’t been filled with much fun. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gone out and about but in comparison to summers past; I didn’t get to see the lake or enjoy the summer air much at all. This summer is proving to make up for it. Both sadly and happily, this summer we’ve already done more and have more planned then the last couple so that’s a thrill. Every weekend since mid-May has been something to look forward to. The biggest downfall of a fun weekend? The housework gets put aside. Looks like I’ll have to make more of an effort during the week.

A few more summertime goals include reading, grilling, smiling more and get some of that good ol’ vitamin C. Thankfully this year we have a balcony so all four checks are easily obtainable.

Guess I had something to chit chat about after all. Until next time: Read a book. It’ll do you no harm.

Forget Me Not.

My completely random thought of the day occurred on the way back to work from a relaxing lunch break listening to the best of the best Afilio hits. I’m no scientist, never will be and I actually hope that extensive research has already been done but here it goes:

Alzheimer’s and/or dementia is one of those silly things that I fear. There are so many things in this world to ultimately die from or some disease to get..heart disease, ALS, tumors, cancer, etcetera. But what could be worse than literally losing your mind? Losing the memories. Losing the ability to function day to day. How to dress yourself or know who your children are. It’s absolutely debilitating.

My great grandma had Alzheimer’s. Now, I don’t know if that’s what she actually died from, I was young. But I do remember her before the onset of the disease. I don’t know when it started, I don’t even know how old I was when she died but I remember her remembering me. I remember the buttered saltine crackers she gave us every time we came over. I remember her showing us the secret hiding caves in the upstairs bedroom. I remember her clothes and her cookies.

I didn’t think about it then or even in the years since she died..about why or how she died. Recently, I’ve been thinking about memory loss because it scares me. Is it hereditary? I’m almost afraid to do the research on it but I will. There are moments where I don’t know what I want to say so I say something else instead. It doesn’t happen often, really it seems to only happen when I’m at home. The other day I asked my boyfriend to get me some ice cream and ketchup when really I meant ice cream and a spoon. Why did I say ketchup? There was no ketchup in sight. Does my brain turn it’s dial down when the door to the apartment unlocks at precisely 5:17 each week day? My boyfriend calls me out on it whenever it does happen but what’s the matter with me? Is it concerning or is my brain just not trying hard enough when I’m lounging on the couch? I know what I want to say but my voice doesn’t seem to be connected to my brain.

I kind of got into a rant there. What I’m wondering is if the science world has asked about music in relation to memory loss. I’m sure they have. They had to have, right? As I said, I was listening to “Enjoy” by Afilio on my way back to work this afternoon. As soon as that track came on it immediately brought me to the street you turn by Domino’s Pizza in Bemidji. I flashed back to the lost search for the hilly road where the concert was. It was held in some dudes garage. I remembered the damp grass and the gravel driveway. Where we parked, who we were with. I remember standing two feet away from Rob Matrious. I remember it all.

Listening to “Cleanin’ Out My Closet” by Eminem brings me back to sitting in the front seat of the car with my mom and Nick. It was in Warroad by the beach. And she told us that we better never EVER talk to her or treat her that way. That way that Mr. Mathers talked about his mom. I remember when I first heard “Without Me” at my aunt Angie’s when she had that office/scrapbooking/reading room. There was a door leading out to the backyard and the river.

Hearing the Marilyn Monroe version of “Happy Birthday” brings me back to the earliest memories of my uncle Troy singing it to me in person. For years, he’s called me on the phone. For years!  But before that, when I was in young, it was in person. Maybe it was only once, I don’t know. But I remember it.

Music brings me back. I couldn’t imagine hearing a song from the past and not connecting it to something. Even the most absurd of songs; “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix A Lot,” it brings me back to the Roseau lunch room. Kristi, Alyssa, and I were sitting at a round table in the middle of the room and Kristi would recite the song word for word. She was wearing one of those velour t-shirts when they were cool.

Everything, everything can be brought back by a song, a lyric, or a beat. Can’t it?

My Motivation.

Don’t roll your eyes or anything but I’ve been thinking about joining a gym again. I don’t have any master plan other than a potential regular schedule in compared to my unorganized life that I’ve accepted over the last year and a half or so.

Since my other half will be starting his new job soon and we’ll still be carpooling; we’ll both have the opportunity to have a little more consistency than we are used to. The only “downfall” I foresee is that his starting time is 5:00 AM. Holy shit right? But instead of taking that as a negative; I’d like to pull a 360 and consider it a positive. It’s not like I’ll have the option to sleep in since we share a vehicle. I’ll already have to be up and driven across town before the sun is up. By the time I get home; I can’t really see myself going back to bed for another hour. Once I’m up, I usually stay up so why not take advantage of it? We’ll probably be going to bed earlier considering the job change so it shouldn’t be difficult to make a routine of dropping him off, going to the gym, and starting my day. By the time work starts at 8; I would have gotten the “not so fun” stuff out of the way already and I probably would actually make time for breakfast.

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Camping In Warroad.

All that sounds like a wonderful idea but can I do it? Thanks to the go-getting motivating people that I’ve come across, I know that the answer is yes as long as you make a point to do it. Make a point to be motivated and go to the gym. Make a point of exercising and eating breakfast. I’ll call Anytime Fitness tomorrow and we’ll go from there. I already re-ordered my Shakelogy last week so that should be coming soon. I have a few things in the near future that if I think about them, can give me motivation:

My brothers graduation in May. For the 3rd time in 6 years have some extended family coming up. I’ll also be going to my old high school where I know I’ll see some people that I graduated with. I’m over half way to my 10 year reunion and don’t want to be the person that already went downhill and doesn’t have getting married or having kids to blame. I want to look good, damnit.

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The Brewster Clan.

Family vacation in June. We’ll be going on a camping vacation at the end of June with my family, aunts, uncles, and cousins. We’ll be swimming and walking, canoeing, and sunbathing. I don’t want to let how I feel about myself prevent me from enjoying my time. I want to be a part of the photographic memories and not just the person taking the pictures to avoid the other side of the camera. I want to feel fit so that I don’t get winded walking on trails.

 

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Our anniversary in July. We’ll be coming up on 6 years and even though I know my other half loves me no matter what; I do want him to have some beautiful arm candy on the celebration of 72 months. So often couples fall into a boring ol’ routine after being together for a long time and we never dress up or go out much anymore. One of the hidden reasons that I don’t actively offer fun nights out is because I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin.

School. I’ve been thinking about it as mentioned in a previous post and although I might gear myself more towards the online studies to begin with; I would like to attend night school and not that I have to look good for anyone; I still want to feel good about myself and look nice. I want to feel comfortable sitting next to anyone in class or choosing a partner for a project. I want to know that I can confidently walk up to someone and strike a conversation. This whole “no friends” thing is caused by me feeling like a gross giant next to anyone that I’m around so I pull the shy quiet card rather than the fun, talkative person that I know I’ve lost touch with.

So, it might not seem much but I’m going to use those to give me motivation. To help me drive the extra block to the gym and make my shake in the mornings. I’m going to use that to pack my lunch instead of grabbing McDonalds durning the noon hour. I’m going to do this and I’m going to do this right.

What gets you motivated? I would love to hear from someone that has been overweight and overcome it. How they found motivation or what clicked inside their heads to get them going? Although I appreciate and accept any and all motivating words; I often find it difficult to take advice from someone that had always been thin but wasn’t happy with the lack of muscle they had or something. It’s difficult for me to relate when they haven’t gone through the same pain and disappointment in myself that I have. So, are you out there? I’d love to hear from you!

Smile Kid!

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When I volunteered to take my brothers senior pictures, I didn’t realize how much of a challenge it was going to be. I’ve loved taking photos for as long as I can remember but I’ve never felt comfortable taking pictures of people. I guess I never went and sought out models so I never really had any practice. I have primarily focused any and all picture taking towards landscapes or flowers or buildings, stuff like that. Anything but people. And I’ve loved it. I take pride in my eye for a good picture and spend a lot of time on editing to make each photo just right.

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But when I finally took some time tonight to check out the pictures Logan and I took this summer, boy oh boy was I in for a challenge. The sun was our biggest challenge. Although it was an absolutely beautiful day, that meant hot, rosy cheeks for my brother. I’m taking my time on the pictures though to be sure not to butcher them or wash out his face.

It’s a great learning experience, that’s for sure. Once I finish this bout, I’d like to assess the results and improve my skills. If I’m being honest with myself; I’m a little disappointed because I pride myself in seeing things just right. And out of a hundred or so photos, only a handful are actually going to produce quality work. I hope he likes them or we’re in big trouble!!

I’ll update with more photos once I finish but here’s a sneak peak.

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