The Yearly Cliché.

A couple years ago, I wrote about not making New Years Resolutions but instead making smaller goals each month to try and stay on track. It worked for awhile just like every other variation of a resolution does. But somewhere along the way, it quietly vanished.

This year, I’m going to revert to the more cliché version of a set of resolutions. Some I’ll succeed at and some I won’t. Most of these are very realistic. Some are a stretch but with the proper guidance, I know I can succeed. To make up for a really crappy couple of years (2011-2012) I want to do a little traveling. Of course, I want to travel the world but in order to succeed at fulfilling my New Years Resolutions, I’m going to be a bit more realistic.

  • Create a realistic 5-Year plan. I’m 25. I’m not married, have no children, nor do I own a house. I want to do all of those things in the next 5 years. I’d like Channing and I to sit down sometime soon and prioritize our needs and wants both as a couple and on the professional front – to create a plan and stick to it. I also plan on making a personal 5-year plan that will lay out my personal interests and hobbies which may or may not include writing a book, Pinteresting my way into home shows, and traveling to England, Paris, and Ireland.
  • Lose 50 pounds. Since June, I’ve lost about 33 pounds. It’s been a little rocky and I’ve gotten off track since moving to Bemidji but I’m determined to continue my progress. 50 pounds is very realistic if I use the tools I’ve been given. Ideally, I want to push myself to double that number in the year 20-15. I know 100 pounds does seem unrealistic but given how much I actually need to lose in order to become healthy, it’s a blip on the radar screen.
  • Travel around the area. This is a long one..Because I first need to lose a substantial amount of weight before I feel comfortable purchasing ONE seat in airfare (rather than 2); I decided that I’m going to travel via car this year. Traveling further than I can drive will be one of my many rewards after losing more weight. I want to travel to all the border states/countries of Minnesota. I’ve listed a few specific places. Some I’ve been to, some I haven’t: Duluth, Gooseberry Falls, Grand Marais, Grand Rapids, Minneapolis/St. Paul, Superior, Brainerd, Red Wing, Wisconsin Dells, and Sioux Falls just to name a few. I’d also like to go somewhere in ND other than Fargo or Grand Forks, stop at a few other places in SD, and venture to Iowa. Where in Iowa? I have no idea. Included in the Minnesotan borders is Canada. I don’t know where specifically but I’ll head that way too! I’d also like to visit as many waterfalls, caves, and state parks as possible. I want to be on the water, sail, and visit lighthouses. I love to explore.
  • Don’t Pass Up Good Events. This is something I’ve done a lot. Sadly, I’ve had a handful of oppertunities over the last few years to go and do something but I either used a bad day, Channing’s mood, or money as an excuse not to do something or go somewhere. A few things on my bucket list this year given that they are within driving distance and things aren’t sold out would include: Seeing Taylor Swift in either Fargo or St. Paul, Bo Burhnham if he ever gets his ass to tour around here, and a Vikings football and Twins baseball game. I don’t really like either of those sports to any kind of extreme but I think a professional sports team would be interesting to see live and because my boyfriend likes sports, we both win. I should also probably make a point of going to the MN State Fair this year too since I’ve never been.
  • Buy A Passport. I believe I need one these days in order to even go to Canada so it’s a must-get for this year. If I’m not mistaken, they are good for 10 years too so that should get me set for my European venture in a couple years.

There you go! I have quite a few more resolutions which primarily fall in the first resolution so I won’t bore you with them quite yet. I’d love to hear about your New Years Resolutions! The realistic ones and the far-fetched ideas. What are you going to do to make this year one to remember? Also, if you have any fun or must-see places that you’ve been to in the region, let me know. Word of mouth experiences are the best places to visit.

Cheers to 20-15!!

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Willpower.

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I’ve recently tapped into my willpower energy and let me tell you; it’s damn difficult. Up until I became serious about losing the weight that I’ve accumulated over the last 24 or so years – I didn’t really view willpower as something that anyone could actually obtain. It’s not easy, that’s for sure..but it’s possible.

I’m still learning and I’m only in the beginning stages of making progress on my weight-loss journey but I wanted to summarize a conversation I had today about deprivation. Anyone will tell you not to deprive yourself and you shouldn’t I guess. But in my case, it almost feels like I need to in order to make real progress. So in reply to a gal noting that I should have a piece of cake that she made for a potluck today I said:

“I didn’t deprive myself for the last 24 years. I ate whatever, whenever I wanted. So I think it’s okay to deprive myself for one day with potluck food…”

And it’s true. This weight-loss journey that I’m trying to accomplish isn’t an easy feat and it shouldn’t be treated with food rewards. You wouldn’t tell an alcoholic in the process of sobriety to have “just one drink, it won’t hurt” would you?

That’s another thing I’ve recently accepted. Addiction. Even though I’ve heard it my entire life, I never really associated eating with addiction. And it’s one of the worst kinds too. You have to eat in order to survive. It’s everywhere.

There is no comparison but for a simple example…you can quit smoking. Get a prescription, use the patch, nicotine gum, ect. You don’t need it to survive. It seems much more practical to kick just about any addiction other than food. But maybe I’m just being biased because I’m dealing with my own addiction.

I’ll forever be addicted to food no matter what I’ll do. I know for a fact, that I’ll indulge at times. Hopefully it won’t be as often as my current once a week motto or in other words “free day.” I’m not quite to that step of willpower yet.

I don’t want to sound like a hypocrite but I hope to have a little control over my future children’s lives as far as health goes. Due to my weight I’ve limited myself more and more in so many things that I’d love to do out of fear of embarrassment and I don’t want anyone to have to go through that. I’m not going to deprive them of food but I pray that I can teach them healthy eating habits early on and not expose them to fast food for as long as motherly possible.

If I overcome this lifelong journey, I want to spread awareness. I used to think it was stupid – seeing obesity commercials on TV, the radio, in newspaper ads, but it’s not. I hope I have enough willpower to become a survivor.

The Truth Comes Out.

Obviously not every, but most of the photos in this blog are ones that I’ve taken. However, most of them haven’t yet been edited as I have postponed doing so for years. When choosing pictures to attach in each post; I quickly realized that I haven’t taken many pictures over the last 18 or so months. I think it’s a mix between being down right lazy and having no confidence to be a motivated person.

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I know what you’re thinking..what does motivation and taking a couple of pictures have to do with anything? I could go in circles about this for days but the gist of it is as follows: I’ve always been out of control when it comes to my physical appearance. I take that back; I’ve always cared about what I look like and have tried my best to look my best when going out but to be quite honest, over the last..two years probably; I haven’t put much work into myself and that is so far from wrong it’s ridiculous.

I don’t love myself. I’ve lost all self respect for myself. I don’t “dress up” anymore and when I do, I know that I don’t do it to the standard that I have set myself to in the past. I’ve never been high maintenance or gone to extremes when it comes to my appearance but I did used to give a shit. I used to get dolled up whenever I saw Channing and even before him; I’d always look my best. I’d buy myself new clothes almost every paycheck. I’d splurge on a pair of new shoes or buy gobs of lotion at Bath and Body. But I don’t do stuff like that anymore. I don’t straighten my hair, I never put eye makeup on anymore. I don’t even remember the last time that I actually went shopping for new clothes or shoes or hair products other than when I absolutely had to. It’s because I’ve “let myself go.” It almost makes me cringe to have to admit that at age 24 but it probably needed to be said. I’m not intentionally avoiding the obvious but if you have seen me recently you can see that I’ve gained a substantial amount of weight in a short time. I’m sure it has to do with the stress that I’ve put myself in front of over the last few years and becoming comfortable in my relationship but regardless it is irresponsible and definitely ludicrous.

I’ve always been overweight it’s not something new. Everyone that has eyes can see it. But where I am now is absolutely absurd and I take full blame for it. When I was younger; I’d be able to at least maintain where I was at for long periods of time. I was the same pants size in high school from 10th grade through college but after that it was just a downward (slow) spiral. However, since mid-2012 it’s gotten out of control and quite frankly, I need help.

This has clearly veered off of the subject that I started with but in short my weight and the stress that initiated the gain is why I have sheltered myself. I have ditched my brother in going to concerts because I didn’t want to be that fat sweaty freak in the mosh pit. I’ve bailed on catching up with old friends because I’m not only embarrassed of myself but I’m embarrassed for them to have to be seen in public with me. I don’t go to certain restaurants because they only have booths. I’ve skipped family reunions and weddings because I didn’t want to be the hippopotamus cousin. I even stay quiet and don’t interact with my boyfriends family, niece, and nephew as much as I’d like to because I’m afraid that I’ll look like a fool or get hot and sweaty in front of them.

I don’t go swimming. I don’t go to amusement parks. I don’t hang out with friends. I don’t make new friends. I don’t go on adventures or to concerts. I don’t do spur of the moment. I don’t dance like no one is watching. I don’t do anything and it’s not because I don’t want to; it’s because I’m afraid of what people will think which really is a bunch of bullshit. It shouldn’t matter what people think but it does.

I’ve limited the enjoyment in my life because I’m addicted to food and can’t hold a spirt of motivation or determination for more than 7 minutes. I’ve never actually admitted this to anyone in anyway except to my mom because sadly, we share the same issue. I’m hoping that in being honest with myself and to the public that this will help me to overcome hurdles that I practically refuse to jump over. One day I’ll get the balls to post a before picture, but today is not the day.

I have every tool that I need to become a happy and healthy individual but all I need is a push, a real get the fuck going push. Will you push me?