CWA #1

Awhile ago, I announced that my mom had given me a book called “642 Things To Write About.” I had intended to start this earlier but nows a better time than never right? As mentioned in that post, you’ll know it’s a creative writing peace based on the title. I plan on just opening up the book and choosing the first topic I see. Some will be fiction some will be non, depending on the topic I suppose. Here we go…

Who people think you are, compared to who you know you are.

Wow. Jumping right in I guess. This is awfully tricky because it really depends on who the person in question is. People judge a book by its cover in all different forms. I could look at the cover of “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” and think it’s going to be a phenomenal book while my 70-something year old grandma could look at it and see a bad illustration of the greatest book series of her granddaughters generation.

A judgement that has stuck with me for a very long time is something my 10th grade best friend said to me. I enrolled in the Newfolden school district mid-9th grade year. I was quiet. I always am when I’m somewhere new, I know that for sure. It took me some time to warm up to the 25 or so people in my grade. Fast forward a good year or so, I became really close with a group in my class. Well, as close as you can be. See, being the new kid gives you some kind of exotic sense of “who is she?” But your face doesn’t pop up when childhood memories are reminisced or last years festivities discussed. They don’t know your deepest darkest secrets or who your first kiss was. They don’t always include you and when it comes down to basic instincts, they never fully trust you.

Regardless of all this, looking back they were some of the best people I had ever known. After a year or so of becoming friends and comfortable sharing my boring 16-year-old life with, my bestest friend at the time told me something I’ll never forget: “When you first came to this school, I thought you were a bitch.”

Nice, huh?

We went on to discuss her statement. It was nothing I said or did. I just looked like I’d probably be a bitch. It wasn’t a look I gave her (not knowing her) or the people I talked to the first day. It was just a “feeling” she had. I’ve always wondered what people thought about me, I think everyone does. But since that moment, I really think that I became more aware of that nagging wonder.

I’ve had about four best friends in my life. In chronological order: Kristi, Sam, Adam, and Chris. Kristi popped back in when we were in college. I moved from Roseau so we were disconnected and now, we’re disconnected because of well…life. But I still consider her one of my dearest friends. Even with our lives so different and going years without talking.

The other three still hold a huge piece of my heart too. Sam was my first and longest friend when I moved. We shared some of the literal best times of my life together. Nothing and no one could ever replace a friendship like we had. It was hard to “stay friends” when she left junior year and I decided to pursue college.

Then there was Adam. Adam pulled me out of my shell. He was wild and open. He would sing like no one was watching and not try to clean up because someone was coming over. He was confident and my confidant. We did everything together.

And same goes for Chris. Chris, my brother, and I were connected at the hip for some time but like every friendship, things change.

I wish I could have been one of those people who have had a best friend since kindergarten. Even as adults, be close. Meet up, go to each others bachelorette parties, travel together. All that jazz. But you know what? If that were the case, I might not have met the four that I did have.

Clearly, I’ve gotten off topic here. What I guess I’m trying to say is I have no idea who people think I am. And I have no idea how people decided they wanted to be my friends along the way. The only insight I’ve ever gotten was that I’m probably a bitch even though I don’t think I am.

I think that people think I’m reserved. That I’m quiet. I think that people think I’m a know it all or stuck up. I think people think that I think I’m better than them. I think people think I’m a fat slob. I think people don’t trust me or feel uneasy around me. I think people think I’m stupid for staying with Channing when I should have left.

I don’t think that anyone envy’s my life as I do theirs.

Who am I really? At 25 years old, I should know who I am, shouldn’t I? I should have lived and made more mistakes than I have. I should have traveled and gotten my bachelors and volunteered at a soup kitchen and partied harder and loved deeper. I should have experimented and dated more guys. I’m sure that’s what the “wondering me” would say. But it’s not about her. It’s about the “actual” me.

Who am I really? I’m a 25-year-old woman trying to figure my life out. I’m a bitch but I’m only a bitch to people who actually deserve bitchiness. I love hard and fall even harder. I’m a thinker. I’m an observer. I stumble over my words because I don’t know what I want to say but I know how to write it. If you mean the world to me, I’ll put your needs ahead of mine. Always. I’m a bad tipper because I expect excellent service. I lack empathy. I wish I had access to that deep socket in my brain to empathize with homeless people or women who regret last nights hook-ups but I don’t. I love children and want to be a mother. I love to write but feel that it’ll never get me anywhere. I’m quiet in settings I’m not comfortable in. I don’t trust very many people but I expect people to trust me. I strive to be someone who my brothers look up to but I don’t think I’ve done a very good job of that. I know I’m a good person and that I care too much. I know that I am smart but I know I’m not the smartest. I believe in third, fourth, and fifth chances. I know that my family and boyfriend are the most important things in my life. I know that I focus to much on wishing my life had been different instead of appreciating the life I have. I know I’m fat and it makes me hate myself. Like really, really hate myself. I know that my size and the way I look deter me from being the person I am inside. It prevents me from being the outgoing girl I once was. It puts a road block directly in front of me. I don’t go out and meet people because I’m bigger than a mini-cooper.

I know a lot about myself but I don’t always know who I am. I’m not who I think I am because of what I am. I don’t know if I’ll ever really know who I am. Who are you?

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A Working Title II.

Wow! To say “it’s been awhile” is a bit of an understatement. But I come to you with fabulous news! As you know (or you should know) I recently moved to a new city and started a new job.

I also received approval to start a Featured Staff Blog at the local newspaper that I’m working for. This is exciting news for me! I love to write and I would love it if my voice could reach more than the small handful I’ve received with this blog and my previous blog. But please, don’t fret. I won’t be abandoning this one.

This blog is going to remain the same. It will include my random ramblings, critiques on life in general and everything in between. My new blog, creatively dubbed “A Working Title II” will be a little more straight forward and to the point. I won’t be going in deep on the personal front or posting anything borderline offensive. It’ll be clean cut I guess some would say and I’m okay with that. It’s a foot into the right direction for me.

Since I didn’t go to school for journalism or actually anything even close to that; I feel that any opportunity I have to get my voice out there is an opportunity to take. I’ve posted a few times on my new blog and I plan to post the link for those posts periodically on this one so that you always have access to them.

I hope that you continue to see what’s going on in the wonderful (kind of boring) world of Ori as well as start a new trek to my new blog! If you have any questions or would like to you know…publish me – my contact information is updated on the appropriate page.

To visit my new blog; A Working Title II, click here.

As always, enjoy!

She Got Her Wings.

So much can happen in one year. Some enter this world and some exit. Families are formed and families are torn apart. People are forgiven and people are damaged. Some die and some are born. We travel and we get snowed in. We fall and sometimes we get back up. We change jobs, we move to new cities, and sometimes..we sit still. Sometimes life happens so quickly and days turn into weeks that turn into months that turn into years. Before you know it, you can’t even remember the last conversation you had with someone because of life.

And at the very exact same time that “life” is happening, it doesn’t. Life isn’t easy, I don’t think it was designed to be easy. Everyone will hit a rough patch or twenty. Some will suffer throughout their childhood. Some as young adults. Some won’t even suffer until they’ve hit the peak mid-life crisis stage of life. But it happens to the best of us.

Truly..to the best of us.

One year ago today, an old friend passed away. I call her an old friend not because of our age but because of life. Life got in the way from seeing each other often. Life got in the way who’s who and what’s what. Life got in the way of appreciating the goodness, the memories, the time.

And death? Well, sadly, death brought us back together. We don’t often think about everyone that has made an impact on our lives every single day because there’s still time. There will always be time to run into them at Wal-mart or catch up at class reunions. There will be time, especially when you’re 23.

That’s where I was wrong. This last year I’ve really tried to work on finding out who the hell I am. What I stand for. Who and what I love. I’ve tried to humble myself (it isn’t easy) and I’ve tried to be a more empathetic person (definitely not easy). I’ve tried to improve myself because of one person and that person is Aron.

Now, I wasn’t best friends with her. I didn’t keep in touch like I should have. I didn’t know what she was doing in her day to day life but I knew one thing. Time didn’t change her heart. It may have changed her life but it didn’t change her heart. It wouldn’t have mattered if 2 years had gone by or 20, she still would have come right up to you with a hug and a smile and ask what the hell you’ve been up to.

Man, I wish I could be like her. I wish that I could find the best in people and care as much as she did. I wish that she was still here and I could make a valiant effort to reconnect with her. I wish that her family could squeeze her too tight just one more time. I wish that holes weren’t created in hearts the day she died.

One year ago today, an old friend passed away. So much can happen in one year. Some enter this world and some exit. And some..well they are with us every day. We all miss you, Aron. Keep us on our toes will ya? I hope those wings fit you just right.

I’ve mentioned Aron in a couple posts throughout the last year. I’ve posted them below for Elaine, Melissa, and Austin. Sending the biggest hugs I can muster up your way today.

10/17/2013:
We Shouldn’t Have To Say Goodbye Yet
10/22/2013:
I Want To Be A Better Person
1/8/2014:
Heavy Hearts & Open Arms
4/4/2014:
Does Heaven Have DQ Ice Cream Cake?
8/14/2014:
Genie, You’re Free

Another Quiz.

It would be hard to believe that just a few short months ago, the BuzzFeed quizzes that we are all familiar with were barely spoken about in comparison to today. It seems almost overnight our news-feeds went from the usual humdrum of every day life to quiz result after quiz result after quiz result.

The funny thing is, it isn’t even annoying. Well, not to me anyway. It’s always like ‘yes another quiz!’ And if I’d already taken it I’d compare myself to what that person got. Super cool 21st century shit right there. We’ve found out which state we actually belong in (Wisconsin) to which actress would play us in a movie?” (Jennifer Lawrence). I’ve probably taken 15 or more of these over the last month. The great and addicting thing about them is as follows:

1. The Format. They all have the same boxed layout for every question. Simple and easy.

2. Answers Are Relatable. Just about every single question has an answer that will appeal to any single person.

3. The Result. No matter the result you get, you’ll always have a small paragraph explaining who you are and usually it makes sense.

Although there’s a simplicity to the quizzes and we already know the facts about ourselves – it is like we all want a deeper understanding about the one person we know everything about. Ourselves. Take horoscopes for example. We were all born on our designated days. Our sign will never change but so often you see your horoscope blasted everywhere you look. It’s in the newspaper, your favorite magazine, online, it’s everywhere. I’ve known my astrological traits and characteristics before I knew how to add and subtract, yet I yearn to know more. To thrive off of a better understanding.

Why? I don’t know why? Maybe we all just want to have a better understanding of why our lives are working or not working. Why we view the glass as half empty when we live perfectly full lives. Maybe we want to have the reassurance that we are old souls and that our temper is derived from something deeper than the surface.

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I recently took another BuzzFeed quiz. The latest question: “What Grade Are You Getting In Life?” And would you believe that I got a B-?! A “below average” grade? I believe it. I was actually expecting a “C” based off of the answers I gave.

I live a good life, I know that I am blessed. I mean I have an amazing family and support system. I’m in a happy and loving relationship. I have an okay paying job. Any debt that I have is manageable I guess. So why did I doubt myself when scrolling through the quiz? Well, although I’m content with my current situation, I am disappointed in my life path.

As I’ve mentioned on many occasions, I’m not where I had dreamt I’d be at this point in my life and apparently I haven’t accepted that force of nature yet. I also don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I’d love to go back to college not only to soak in knowledge but to better my career but where will it lead me? My deepest passions are photography and writing. Having an excuse and saying “but that won’t get me anywhere” is chalked up to a bunch of bullshit. Will 2-4 years of $20,000 a year schooling realistically pay off? I don’t know. But will it make me feel more fulfilled? Probably.

I don’t want to live a poverty stricken life. I want my future children to live good rounded lives. Be able to do things and go places without having to worry if mom and dad can afford it. I want to own a home. Not a fixer upper, dump of a place but an actual home. A beautifully decorated by me masterpiece.

I want to be successful, be happy, and travel but I’m so far from that it’s ridiculous. I’ve changed my “current situation” so many times since I graduated high school so I know that it can be done but how can it be done if you don’t know where to start or what to do? So if anyone is looking for a blogging, picture taking, good with numbers, multi-tasking, organized, traveling wanna-be, museum loving, hardworking woman…hit me up. I’m all yours!

And it’s not just a career or school path in life that’s preventing me from turning my B- into an A+. I just don’t know where I want to be. I know that I want to go abroad for more than just a 10 day vacation. I know that I want to live in a huge city but I also want to settle down in the country. I know that I want to own an art studio to exhibit mine and other artists work. I know that I want to get healthy and be more social. I know what I want, we all do. How are we supposed to take what we want, balance it with what we have, and somehow be completely and wholeheartedly happy with the result? It’s not possible, is it?

What grade would you give yourself in life? Click here to find out what BuzzFeed gives you! Do you think that we’re harder on ourselves than we should be or does that make us pursue things at a greater level of determination?

Take It Or Leave It.

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I’ve reverted back to “A Working Title.” Very temporarily named “More Than A Freckle-Faced, Four-Eyed, Red-Headed Little Girl,” I realized that wasn’t what I wanted to put forward into the world. At the time, I think I just wanted to be seen and heard at a more real tense in life.

For so long, most of the people in my life have seen me as the ginger girl in high school, the shy co-worker, or the first-born daughter, grandchild, and niece. I know that I’m more than that, but if people can’t get past the clouded memories of a child that never grew up than I suppose it’s their own loss. Right?

I’m a 24-year old woman. I’m a writer. I have opinions and a love for photography. I’m shy and outgoing simultaneously. My thoughts run so deep that sometimes I don’t have words for the things I want to say. I love, I speak, and most of all – I have grown up into an independent thinking person. And I’m finally ready to rid the past opinions of myself. My life is a work in progress, thus the name of the blog. Take it or leave it.